Don't know how to make sense of this

[rajncajn]

Don't know how to start this and at a loss for words, so I'll just... talk.

 

Right at the end of December last year I got news that a friend/cousin passed away. We weren't incredibly close,  but he was a great guy and we'd run the same lanes most of our lives. Kyle was also an extremely giving guy and would regularly cook and box meals for the local homeless. Unfortunately he never could get hold of his demons and it finally caught up with him. I attended his funeral with a couple of close friends and while it was sad to see him gone,  there was an understanding that the way he lived his life,  sooner or later it would catch up. 

 

In July,  my cousin Chris passed away. Chris, his sister and I were fairly close in a unique sort of way. My dad remarried when I was very young. As only a stepchild can quite understand,  you always have this sense of being an outsider within your own family,  even if the relationship is not a bad one. Chris had a similar situation where his father passed at a very young age and his mother remarried my stepmother's brother. So,  while we weren't what I'd call really close,  we always had a common connection being the same age and similar backgrounds. Chris also fought demons,  but of a different kind and the stress and weight finally bore down on him more than he could bare. I also attended his funeral and it was just so surreal. It was strange because I felt like I should be really upset,  and I was sad,  but it more reserved than I expected. I was really more sad for his younger brother who'd lost his dad two years prior and who's been caring for their mother who has dementia.

 

My aunt also passed away in July. She was only 65, but she'd been in very poor health for quite a while. She was having blood clots in her legs and suffered a stroke. In order to stop the clotting they had to give her blood thinners,  but that started internal bleeding from ulcers. There was nothing they could do. I also attended that funeral

 

In August I found out my first high school girlfriend, who's also a good family friend, lost her very short battle with cancer. Angie started dating another good friend of mine after we dated and they were sweethearts all through high school and had been together ever since. Angie was always a joy to be around,  always had a smile and touched a lot of lives. I would always see her and Mark at the high school games since both our kids went to the same school and Mark is a sports medicine therapist for the football team. Every time we bumped into each other we'd chat about just how life and our families were. I didn't attend Angie's funeral,  though maybe I should have. Life,  though lately has been hectic. I've been back and forth with travel for a few months now, the whole covid thing with having to start working from home again and having just attended my cousin and my aunt's funeral,  I just couldn't bring myself to go to another.

 

Tonight I logged in Facebook while I'm traveling for work and see the news that a good friend from my old neighborhood died abruptly from aneurysm. Jason and I weren't really close. We went to different schools and mostly different circles of friends,  but he was a great guy. Always just one of those down to earth people who everyone liked being around and everyone he met was a friend. I broke down a little in my hotel room. Maybe from the shock of it,  how unexpected it was,  maybe this has just been building under the surface or maybe because all of this doesn't make sense to me. You hear old folks talk about losing friends,  but when you're not even 50 yet it just doesn't... 

[irish]

Jesus Rajn, you've been through quite a stretch!  That's a bunch of loss to go through in a rather short period of time and it pulls on the heart/memory strings of your life pretty hard. It also makes you start thinking of death more and truly how short life can be. Personal question that you don't have to answer - Do you go to therapy?  Living through a brutally abusive childhood and then going through the upheaval over the past 10 years of my life caused incredible stress, sadness and trauma for me. Therapy was crucial toward me getting and staying level and I went through a couple different types of therapy to get there. I'm sorry that you had to go through the emotional breakdown alone, while traveling. Sucks. 

 

I hope you feel better today. 

[stevegrab]

Sorry to hear about all those loses, that really sucks. I lost both parents in a 3 year span, then my oldest brother about 5 years later. Had trouble dealing with each one, not grieving properly as I tried to help other family members (who traveled to the Midwest for funerals) stay strong for them (odd that I felt the need since I'm the youngest). My heart really broke for my niece and nephews who were all just teens or younger at the time. 

 

Being separated from your own family when you get some horrible news like that can be very difficult. I know after my parents past, and all the family returned home and I was back to my solo lifestyle, I was very sad for a while. 

 

I hope you feel better soon. 

[Chief Dick]

Sorry to hear all the bad news rajn.

 

It seems like since I turned 50 more and more of this is happening to people around me. And I do think it's a function of getting older myself. That means all my aunts and uncles and remaining parents are getting that much older. 

 

Unfortunately this will keep happening - I talk to older relatives once in awhile and it's heartbreaking to hear how many funerals they go to. 

 

But it sucks. 

[League_Champion]

I'm sorry to hear that, my deepest condolences. I can't even imagine. 

[loaf]

So sorry man, best out to you and your family. I too have seen friends/relatives my age passing on lately and it sucks.

[rajncajn]

Thanks everyone,  really means a lot. When I found out about Jason I'd been having a few beers after work with a few of my coworkers in the hotel lounge and was walking back to my room. I just happened to be thumbing through Facebook and saw the post that he'd passed. It was one of those things that you hear someone say it,  but surely you misheard. It really struck me and honestly I was really surprised how emotional I felt and I knew it wasn't just the beers I had.

 

I've thought a lot about it today even though my day has been absolutely chaotic as these trips typically are. But I realized that two of the main reasons why it affected me so much is because the guy was just so relatable and accepting of everyone that you saw yourself in him but also,  because of that,  he'd had so many people who's lives he'd been a part of that still felt that same connection to him no matter how far or how long they'd been apart and that really hit home in seeing the outpouring of responses today from other friends and family.

 

Anyway,  I've had a couple of good talks with some great people I work with today. Nothing deep, but put me in a much better place and reading your replies today,  even though I didn't have time to respond,  was good therapy as well. This is what the Tailgate used to be for a lot of us and I'm glad to see there's still a glimmer of it still here, so thanks again for being a place that I can pour out a bit of baggage and have someone help lift my spirits. 

Edited August 24, 2021 by rajncajn

[darin3]

Sorry to hear all of that, rajn.

 

I lost a good friend to cancer back at the end of 2020.  It was - and continues to be - completely surreal.  He was a successful, vibrant and awesome guy/dad, and I feel so bad for his two boys.  

 

It's definitely a function of getting "older".  

[Jaxfactor904]

Sorry to hear about your losses rajn. All I can say is just remember the good things about them. If you start thinking about how they’re not around anymore, it just brings you down and they wouldn’t want that. Remember the good times.