Tell a Joke Thread

[spain]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

 

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

 

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[SayItAintSoJoe]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men.

It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who

volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a

straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to

choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the

top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and

walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant

Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to

reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two

officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to

go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical

officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop'em,"

which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on

the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam "

[whomper]

Superman is flying around one day and he is really bored and looking to have a good time.He flies over to batmans house and asks him if he wants to go out for a few beers.Batman says hes tired and hes gonna pass.So superman flies down to Aquamans house and asks him if he wants to hang out and drink a few beers .Aquaman says no hes going to stay home and watch the game..So now superman is really frustrated hes flying around all pissed off and all of a sudden he looks down and sees wonderwoman lying on her back moaning and gyrating.So he flys down there with superman speed and he has sex with her really fast and flies away..Just then Wonderwoman says"What was that"? The invisable man says I dont know but my ass sure hurts.

[isleseeya]

Panther Dave is flying around one day and he is really bored and looking to have a good time. He flies to Whompers s house and asks him if he wants to go out for a few beers.Whomper says no as he has to go to a dance recital for his daughters. Panther dave then goes to unateveks house and asks him if he can go out . Unateve says no as he has having problems with his green egg and has to fix it. PD is really getting upset but he tries grits and shins place and says come on grits let's go out to a bar , grits I am sorry but one of my horses is sick and I have to do everything to save his life .finally frustrated Panther Dave is flying around all pissed off and all of a sudden he looks down and sees a gorgeous lying on her back moaning and gyrating.So he flys down there with PD like speed and he has sex with her really fast and flies away..Just then the woman says"What was that"? PSU says I dont know but my ass sure hurts.

 

 

Fixed ...

[The Holy Roller]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men.

It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who

volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a

straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to

choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the

top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and

walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant

Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to

reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two

officers had received.

But the old Marine insisted and they decided to

go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical

officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop'em,"

which he did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on

the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, " Vietnam "

 

 

Ooo-rah!!

[The Holy Roller]

Two drunks are having drinks in a posh Manhatten bar at the top of a skyscraper. The one says, "I heard with all these tall buildings that the updraft is so powerful between them you could just step outside a window and not even fall." "No way, you moran," says the other. The first drunk says, "Oh yeah?" and goes to the nearest window, pulls it open and steps off the window sill into the air. Amazingly he just floats as if suspended by magic! When he steps back in the second drunk goes to the same window, steps out and immediately plummets to his demise. The bartender looks at the first man and says, "You're a mean drunk Superman."

[McBoog]

A young pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

 

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

 

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

[McBoog]

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. The only time in my adult life I projected coke through my nose and onto the computer screen. I understand that there is a base of truth to the story, though greatly embellished. San Antonio does have a few major chili cook-offs every year.

 

"Frank", on vacation from Wisconsin and visiting friends in the San Antonio area of Texas, recently was "honored" to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment while Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. Frank was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted and became Judge 3."

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

[isleseeya]

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. The only time in my adult life I projected coke through my nose and onto the computer screen. I understand that there is a base of truth to the story, though greatly embellished. San Antonio does have a few major chili cook-offs every year.

 

"Frank", on vacation from Wisconsin and visiting friends in the San Antonio area of Texas, recently was "honored" to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment while Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. Frank was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted and became Judge 3."

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

 

 

I actually posted this a few months back ..I laughed so hard at work people thought I was crazy ....

[SuperBalla]

Three cowboys were around a camp fire tired and beat from moving cattle all day. The first cowboy, liquored up exclaimed, "I am the baddest cowboy that ever lived. Once I was walking a path and a 18' rattler crossed my way and I french kissed that snake and made belt out of him" The second cowboy shouted right back "I is the baddest cowboy that ever walked this Earth and onetime I had a Mean Ol Bull charging me and I grabbed him by the horns and broke his neck" The third cowboy just stood quietly, stirring the coals of the fire with his d!k.

Edited June 14, 2007 by SuperBalla

[Controller]

Three cowboys were around a camp fire tired and beat from moving cattle all day. The first cowboy, liquored up exclaimed, "I am the baddest cowboy that ever lived. Once I was walking a path and a 18' rattler crossed my way and I french kissed that snake and made belt out of him" The second cowboy shouted right back "I is the baddest cowboy that ever walked this Earth and onetime I had a Mean Ol Bull charging me and I grabbed him by the horns and broke his neck" The third cowboy just stood quietly, stirring the coals of the fire with his d!k.

 

 

This belongs in the Brokeback Forum.

[rocknrobn26]

What a weekend!

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful sexy young gal at his side.

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special friendship ring for his new girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $500 ring. The older man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

 

So, the jeweler brought out a special $5000 ring. But again, the older man said, "No, I said that I want to see something that is your most special ring."

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning one-of-a-kind ring by a well-known designer at only $80,000" the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The older man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check of course. But I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the man. "There's no money in that account."

 

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

[The Holy Roller]

What a weekend!

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful sexy young gal at his side.

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special friendship ring for his new girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $500 ring. The older man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

 

So, the jeweler brought out a special $5000 ring. But again, the older man said, "No, I said that I want to see something that is your most special ring."

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning one-of-a-kind ring by a well-known designer at only $80,000" the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The older man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check of course. But I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the man. "There's no money in that account."

 

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

 

 

 

Tried a similiar scheme with the bride one time but she didn't go for it.

[dabuffbills]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[chester]

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. The only time in my adult life I projected coke through my nose and onto the computer screen. I understand that there is a base of truth to the story, though greatly embellished. San Antonio does have a few major chili cook-offs every year.

 

"Frank", on vacation from Wisconsin and visiting friends in the San Antonio area of Texas, recently was "honored" to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment while Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. Frank was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted and became Judge 3."

 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

 

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

 

 

Totally false.

Nobody from Wisconsin would be caught drinking Coors light.

[Thrash-494]

My favorite joke?

 

Women's rights.

 

If ya'll dont mind I know some pretty good sexist jokes.

[cre8tiff]

Totally false.

Nobody from Wisconsin would be caught drinking Coors light.

 

 

good info here.

[The Holy Roller]

My favorite joke?

 

Women's rights.

 

If ya'll dont mind I know some pretty good sexist jokes.

 

 

What do ya tell yer girlfriend when she has a blackeye? Nuthin'. Ya already told her once.

 

Why don't wimins need wristwatches? There's a clock on the stove.

[jaxfactor]

Now a black guy at work told me this so I don't consider it a racist joke.

 

It's friday and a grade school teacher decides to do something different. She says to her class, " I'm going to name a famous quote, and whoever can tell me who said it, I'll give you Monday off." So the kids are all excited and the teacher starts with "Four score and seven years ago today..". Little Leroy is raising his hand frantically in the back of the class so the teacher calls on him. "That be Abraham Lincoln!", exclaims Leroy. "Very good! You can have Monday off Leroy". He replies, "No maam. He did good for our people so I want to stay in school". Teacher says" very good, I guess we'll do another....'I have a dream..'. Little Tyrone is waving his hand so hard it's about to fall off so the teacher call on him. "That be Martin Luther King Jr.!", exclaims Tyrone. "Very good Tyrone, you can have Monday off." Tyrone explains, "no mam, he did really good for our people. He'd want me to stay in school so that's what I'm gonna do." Just then, little redneck Johnny shouts out, "you stupid n-word!" The teacher in a very pissed off voice asks "who said that?". Little Johnny exclaims, "Mark Furman! See ya Tuesday!"

[jaxfactor]

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, and Clinton are on a ship that hits an iceberg.

 

Ford screams, "what should we do?"

 

Reagan answers, "man the lifeboats!"

 

Carter replies, "women and children first."

 

Nixon says, "screw the women and children"

 

Clinton says, "do you think we have time?"

[cliaz]

Two Cannibals catch a missionary dressed up like a clown to entertain the native kids and drag them back to their village. They decide to not wait for the rest of the village and begin to eat him.

 

The first cannibal starts at the head and the second one starts at his feet. The second one looks up at the first after a few minutes and asks:

 

“How’s he taste?”

“Kind of funny, how are you doing?” the first one replies.

“I’m having a ball!” the second one says.

“Well then you are eating too fast!!!!”

 

-rimshot-

[Thews40]

Woman walks into a tattoo parlor and has a picture of Elvis put on her left inner thigh. Once it’s done, she says, “That doesn’t look anything like Elvis.” The tattoo artist tells her to mellow out and wait for the swelling to subside and come back later. She comes back and after making a scene, the tattoo artists makes a deal where he puts another portrait of Elvis on her inner right thigh. Once he’s done, she says, “That looks less like Elvis than the first one.” Pissed, the tattoo artist walk over to the front door, where a drunk happens to be walking by. He grabs the guy and pulls him in the shop, and asks him, “Who are those guys?” Drunk responds, “I don’t know who the guys are to the left a right, but the one in the center is Willie Nelson.”

[The Holy Roller]

What did one fly say to the other fly? Pssst. Your man's open.

[cre8tiff]

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, Clinton, and GW Bush are on a ship that hits an iceberg.

 

Ford screams, "what should we do?"

 

Reagan answers, "man the lifeboats!"

 

Carter replies, "women and children first."

 

Nixon says, "screw the women and children"

 

Clinton says, "do you think we have time?"

 

W says, "What iceberg?"

 

 

fixed.

Edited June 15, 2007 by cre8tiff

[ChuckB]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

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Because he was dead