Scooby Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 so my best friend, who I think of as a sister, had been thru a difficult marriage for the past 9 yrs, things are looking up, though, because her husband has curtailed the drinking which often resulted in fighting...the violence had, in the past, escalated to him throwing things at her, choking her in the bath tub in front of their 4-yr old, no less, grabbing her by the arms, bruises appeared, pushing, destroying things around the house, calling her terrible names, screaming, etc...she wanted to divorce over this, had divorce papers drawn-up w/ a protective order in place, but she loved him and didn't go thru with it...sigh!! I tried to tell her to go to counseling, even if he wouldn't, maybe she could do it solo, to see why she's accepting this behavior...but she keeps telling me things are wonderful now, like I said, he rarely drinks now, and he seems to be cool w/ her when I'm around.....what say ye? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
detlef Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Drinking doesn't make people violent, it brings out the violence in those prone being that way. All the evidence you need are the countless number of guys who get drunk and don't hit their wives. She needs to ditch this guy. If the story you just told hadn't been played out far too many times and ended horribly too often, there'd be some reason to stick it out. Thing is, this crap stays bad far often than it gets good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 As to my late mother.... She needs to run and not walk away from this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxfactor Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Tell her to run! Run like hell! He doesn't drink as much any more. What happens when he does decide to drink? Someone in her situation has to constantly be thinking of the ramifications of his drinking. This alone is very stressful. I lived with an alcoholic, although she wasn't violent, she did do things to me that hurt me mentally and financially. If this dude hardly drinks anymore, he's still an alcoholic(the way it sounded anyway) and a walking time bomb waiting to explode. Yes, she says she loves the guy. Does she really or is she just insecure at the thought of being alone. I'm not trying to be a prick here, but her life will be a ton less stressful with the timebomb out of the picture. Yes, by all means tell her to seek counseling, preferrably with him if she decides to stay with him. If he declines, that tells me something right there. I wish your friend good luck as living with these people is the worst nightmare one can imagine and then some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 ind counseling! if she can get him in for couples= bonus. i typically am not a fan of ultimatums, but this is one of those rare exceptions.... he stops the abuse, gets help, or she's gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 all very good advice, I'm just scared to even ask her about things, cuz when they are good, she is bragging on him, and they seem to have been going good for about 1/2 yr now, but when things are bad, she withdraws and I know something bad has happened, I don;t want to hound her, or make her feel like she's an imbecile for staying with him. I just want to support her decisions whatever the case may be, but there's a child involved, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheikYerbuti Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I tried to tell her to go to counseling, even if he wouldn't, maybe she could do it solo, to see why she's accepting this behavior... Save her thousands of dollars in therapist's bills, grab her by the lapels and tell her to pack a suitcase, grab the kid and SPLIT. YW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 all very good advice, I'm just scared to even ask her about things, cuz when they are good, she is bragging on him, and they seem to have been going good for about 1/2 yr now, but when things are bad, she withdraws and I know something bad has happened, I don;t want to hound her, or make her feel like she's an imbecile for staying with him. I just want to support her decisions whatever the case may be, but there's a child involved, too. That's the decision maker right there. If a woman wants to play Russian roulette and see if she survives this, then that's her decision. But with a kid involved, she has a duty to protect the child and bail...immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theprofessor Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Drinking doesn't make people violent, it brings out the violence in those prone being that way. All the evidence you need are the countless number of guys who get drunk and don't hit their wives. She needs to ditch this guy. If the story you just told hadn't been played out far too many times and ended horribly too often, there'd be some reason to stick it out. Thing is, this crap stays bad far often than it gets good. 100% correct on all counts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 (edited) Let's see the husband go to AA and stick with it, first and foremost, but even with the husband "rarely drinking" this situation screams for your best friend to leave ASAP. Maybe she can attend an Al-Anon meeting in the meanwhile. It might open her eyes a bit... see link below: http://www.alanon.org.za/ Edited January 20, 2009 by TDFFFreak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooby Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I feel like a bad friend now, just want her to do what she wants, but everything yall say rings so loud and true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 If she isn't ready to help herself, there's not a whole lot you're going to be able to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 (edited) If she isn't ready to help herself, there's not a whole lot you're going to be able to do. That's absolutely true, but maybe it's possible that no one has put anything specific in front of her so she can see that she has options. As opposed to telling her simply that she must leave the situation there are other choices which, as crazy at it may sound, she has never heard of. Edited January 20, 2009 by TDFFFreak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoopazz Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I feel like a bad friend now, just want her to do what she wants, but everything yall say rings so loud and true. Spoken like a true victim of alcoholism. This is not your problem and if you try to interfere you will probably be shot down. Thats the nature of the disease. Sorry for you, your friend, and most of all the kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I can only echo what has been said above. Give her as much love and support as you can, whenever she asks for you opinion tell her to run as fast as she can, and always tell her straight up what you're thinking. However, pushing the issue with her will only cause her to withdraw from you. It's a tough spot you're in because you want to be able to be there when she needs you most, something you can't do if she's cut you off. Although, if you could get her to go to counseling that would be a great first step. Sometimes the outsider with no axe to grind can get through better than the closest friends can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Let's see the husband go to AA and stick with it, first and formost, but even with the husband "rarely drinking" this situation screams for your best friend to leave ASAP. Maybe she can attend an Al-Anon meeting in the meanwhile. It might open her eyes a bit... see link below: http://www.alanon.org.za/ This is good advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 i don't care for what the adult decides to do with her life nearly as much as i care for the 4 year old who lives in that house and has no choice. no way anyone should keep a child in such an environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I feel like a bad friend now, just want her to do what she wants a good friend tells their friend what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Neutron Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 If she isn't ready to help herself, there's not a whole lot you're going to be able to do. Yup. She's trapped on a profoundly sad cycle many women all into. I'm not saying it's impossible for him to change, but the odds are not good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 the only caveat I will add is that if things for the last 6 months are going well as you say, there's really no way the timing is going to be right for anything you say to her to get her going in a different direction. it's just not going to resonate with her. how do you prompt people into a decisive change of course when they perceive that things are going well? it simply doesn't happen. and who knows, maybe he had a genuine come-to-jesus type moment 6 months ago? I mean, these things do happen. all you can really do right now as her friend is hope for the best, and be prepared to help her cross any other bridges when she gets there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westvirginia Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Let's see the husband go to AA and stick with it, first and foremost, but even with the husband "rarely drinking" this situation screams for your best friend to leave ASAP. Maybe she can attend an Al-Anon meeting in the meanwhile. It might open her eyes a bit... see link below: http://www.alanon.org.za/ If she isn't ready to help herself, there's not a whole lot you're going to be able to do. The above is good advice. It sounds like a classic addict/codependent relationship. She's probably just as sick as she is, and enables in ways she wouldn't even realize. You also need to quit beating yourself up about anything here. You can't control her actions any more than she can control his. If that child is in danger though there is something you can do about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeeR Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 but she loved him and didn't go thru with it... loving someone doesn't mean you can live with them. Those 2 things aren't automatically linked. she keeps telling me things are wonderful now, Of course she does. And maybe they are, but..... like I said, he rarely drinks now, and he seems to be cool w/ her when I'm around.....Well duh, of course he'll be on his best behavior when others are around. It's often easy for people to hide what's really going on - unfortunately. That said, it should not be assumed this is like some Lifetime movie, ie that he's an alcoholic and still doing all that BS; maybe things are better now......but I would say it's less than 50/50 that that's true, only because more often than not (from what I gather anyway) guys that far gone in terms of can't hold their booze don't just suddenly turn it around. Again an impression, can't say for sure. But most important of all as others said is the kid. If she wants to be a walking doormat that's her business (although also sad) - but above all she has a responsibility to that kid and better damn well keep that in mind vs just fooling herself, if in fact that's what she's doing. a good friend tells their friend what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. bingo. esp w/something like this. I would just try to be as sure as you can that you know what you're talking about......but it does sound like she's in denial and things haven't changed as much as you might think. Again a pure guess based just on what's here and not being around the guy etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polksalet Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 if she stays, she deserves what she gets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 if she stays, she deserves what she gets I will assume it is easier to live in a world that is all black and white. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 The advice here is all good. Rarely does a violent alcoholic change his spots. Rarely. But I have first hand experience with the "rarely". My oldest son has been going to AA for the last year and a half and his life has been saved by the steps. His marriage is strong and he is getting back on his feet financially, even starting his own construction business (has work lined up thru summer). While I wouldn't trust this woman's husband without personal experience with him, I do know that some men do change. Perhaps he has had some kind of eye opening that is helping him change his life. I would be hesitant to tell her to go without more information. On the other hand, she could get a big insurance policy on his azz and then accidently shoot him in self defense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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