matt770 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hilarious My favorite: Original ad: I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!! From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org Hey, I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses. My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm. I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one. You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment. The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them. I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start? Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!! From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie, I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity. Mike From Stephanie ******* to Me No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested From Mike Anderson to Stephanie ********* Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loaf Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 some good stuff on there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Great find! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I wound up reading that for an hour yesterday, printed off a few of my favorites and took them to work. Most of the guys asked me for the website. Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 My boss would like to speak to you for ruining my otherwise productive afternoon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpwallace49 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 That Was Awesome. My staff is wondering why I keep laughing out loud in my office. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 (edited) overall, not that funny (IMO), kind of a weak schtick. but this gave me a good chuckle: Original ad: I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks! From Me to ************@comcast.net Good afternoon. My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day. If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back. Sincerely, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?), I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3. Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable? - Kate From Me to Kate ******** Kate, You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities. A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed. I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you. My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver. Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice. Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you. Let me know, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA... Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops. From Me to Kate ******** Kate, Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball. My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field. Edited September 11, 2009 by Azazello1313 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missoula Griz Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thats some addicting stuff. Wish there were more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 overall, not that funny (IMO), kind of a weak schtick. but this gave me a good chuckle: seriously? how many have you read? this guy may be a frickin genius! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpwallace49 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 my favorite High-rise Fridge Delivery Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 Original ad: I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee. From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org Hello, I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city? Mike From marty ******* to Me Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located? From Mike Partlow to marty ******* I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem. When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however. Mike From marty ******* to Me that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator? From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option. From marty ******* to Me absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way? Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge. How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day. Mike From marty ******* to Me mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that? I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it." From marty ******* to Me Hey listen El Guapo. You are a when I wore my first dressin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a when I wore my first dressing fridge up there is with an elevator. when I wore my first dress off. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this. Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade. So see you Tuesday? Mike From marty ******* to Me shut the when I wore my first dress up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_am_the_swammi Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 High-rise Fridge Delivery Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49 Original ad: I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee. From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org Hello, I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city? Mike From marty ******* to Me Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located? From Mike Partlow to marty ******* I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem. When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however. Mike From marty ******* to Me that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator? From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option. From marty ******* to Me absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way? Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge. How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day. Mike From marty ******* to Me mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that? I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it." From marty ******* to Me Hey listen El Guapo. You are a when I wore my first dressin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a when I wore my first dressing fridge up there is with an elevator. when I wore my first dress off. From Mike Partlow to marty ******* Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this. Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade. So see you Tuesday? Mike From marty ******* to Me shut the when I wore my first dress up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Some funny stuff in there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matt770 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Share Posted February 16, 2010 Some hilarious updates, if anyone could use a laugh. Possibly NSFW. The one with the hidden weapons got me going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loaf Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 I read this yesterday. got it forwarded to me. had forgotten all about it. still LOL'ing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddy Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 LOL'ing L'ingOL Laughing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheikYerbuti Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 "Still thirsty for justice?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cre8tiff Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 Reminds me of the dude that would go chat on AOL and troll for sexters, then shut them down. I wonder if they are the same guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RWWB75 Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 That Was Awesome. My staff is wondering why I keep laughing out loud in my office. Likewise. Thanks for sharing! My afternoon is booked Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RWWB75 Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=68 IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND poopy ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!! DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE F*CK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A F*CKING GRILL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matt770 Posted February 16, 2010 Author Share Posted February 16, 2010 http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=68 IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND poopy ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!! DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE F*CK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A F*CKING GRILL This one still gets me. Written to a nice 18-year old girl looking to earn some extra money for college: You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment. The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them. I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 L'ingOL Laughing No it's laughing out louding. And where's Jackson? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 Is that Neidermeyer's Horse from Animal House? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 I just wasted most of the afternoon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 Thanks for posting this. After a sh*tty day at work, this was just what I needed! "How about you take your shotgun and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger? Go f*ck yourself." Crap, I busted a gut but couldn't show my kid what I was laughing at! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpwallace49 Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 (edited) What a great site . . . the fridge one gets me every time. Although the soccer equipment one was also hilarious . . . All we need is one about wolf shirts for complete nirvana Edited February 16, 2010 by bpwallace49 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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