How do you married folk handle this?

[detlef]

Now, my situation is a bit different than most because I run two businesses. At any rate, especially in times like this, there are moments when I'm scared crapless about things. You hit a tough stretch, of which there have been more than normal given the fact that fewer people have money to spend. That tough stretch gets compounded by some unforeseen expense. Or some other thing looms. Whatever. Plenty of you likely know what I'm talking about.

 

At any rate, you'd love to turn to your life partner and you certainly owe them some insight into what is happening in the business that you both are counting on.

 

Here's the thing. Sometimes it is you that needs someone to tell you that it's all going to be OK. The problem is, basically every time you have these discussions, it is you who has to play that roll. Because they get all freaked out and start worrying more than you are. So, in your weakest moment, when you doubt yourself more than any other time and you honestly can't say whether or not this is going to be the big one. I mean, there's a very real track record for people failing at what you do. You can be good at what you do and maybe you are. But that doesn't mean your immune from failure, even catastrophic failure. At any rate: Here you are at that time when you're as frail as you get and, should you turn to your wife, it more than likely means that, rather than getting a shoulder to lean on, you have to actually suck it up and reassure them it's all going to work out.

[nuke'em ttg]

it's gonna be ok

[tazinib1]

Hang in there buddy. Work through the storm...sunny days are on the horizon. And just to make you smile alittle bit:

 

 

[SayItAintSoJoe]

I had a similar situation. Years ago when I used to work in telecom I worked for a company that started having massive layoffs every few months. The dates that these layoffs would take place were well known so in the weeks leading up to a layoff announcement I was practically sick to my stomach every day. My wife worked but my income provided for about 75% to 80% of the household income. Together we had a nice income but like many people we were living check to check nonetheless. I knew that if my income was lost everything we had would be in jeopardy. Needless to say this situation kept me up many a night.

 

The first time I went through this I told my wife about everything I was going through and sure enough she freaked out. Not only did she not give me that "everything is going to be alright" feeling that I most desperately needed but she too became consumed with worry and now we were both sick to our stomachs and experiencing sleepless nights leading up to the layoff announcement.

 

Well the announcement came and went and I didn't get laid off. But I did decide that I wouldn't share those feelings with my wife anymore. I realized that she wasn't going to be able to fill that role that I was looking for and therefore I shouldn't burden her with it. I chose to instead talk to friends and family members about it whenever these layoffs came around. People that weren't so emotionally (and financially) connected to the situation. Sure enough they gave me that "shoulder to lean on" and I was able to get that "everything will be alright feeling". Now I'm not saying that I painted a rosy picture for my wife about the situation either. I always let her know that being laid off was a possibility.

 

BTW, I could only dodge the bullet so many times and 2 years after the layoffs had started they got me. By then I was debt free (Dave Ramsey style), landed new work almost immediately, and we took the whole thing is stride. In other words everything was alright after all.

Edited January 23, 2011 by SayItAintSoJoe

[The Holy Roller]

I'm thinking you're needing a real good friend who you've spent a lot of time with (possibly someone in the business) that you can share your concerns with. I am with you with the needing someone else to tell you it's going to be alright and it's not the lifepartner (for the reasons you so well explained). While a FF board is a good start it's not the same as having a flesh and blood human to look in the eye and hear their voice. Good luck Det. I am confident that a person of your caliber, while not immune to failure, would take whatever life throws at you and make it a launching pad for life's next great adventure!

 

Everynight when I go to sleep I reach over and hold Mrs HR's hand and thank her for that day's adventure. It helps.

 

Good luck, my friend.

[keggerz]

As a businessman/entrepreneur we always know when things are right and or wrong business wise but the fault of many of us is to look past it when it is "wrong" because we just know we can/have to turn it around...but if and when it ends and we look back in retrospect and if we are honest with ourselves we can easily see when it was the right time to stop the bleeding but alas many just can't stop it at that time...as for the wife part I will be back once I gather my thoughts.

[theprofessor]

I have gone through similar situations in my marriage and I used to do the same thing. I was so concerned with my wife's feelings and emotional stability that I avoided these types of conversations. I think us men are wired that way. We want to "fix" things and we care for our spouses so much that we don't want to burden them with what's burdening us. There should be nobody in our lives that we trust or need more than our spouse at times when we are worried or concerned.

 

I can almost guarantee you that she's having the same kind of feelings of fear and insecurity about the future of your businesses and how that would impact your lives if something bad happened. You need to go to her and share your feelings with her. If nothing else, it will give you some relief and will probably give her some too. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you both will feel better and it will draw both of you closer and strengthen your marriage and also provide you with some reassurance that things are going to work out. Let her know that you want to be "together" through this and it's important to you that both of you feel comfortble to go to the other for support. Good luck.

Edited January 23, 2011 by theprofessor

[Ursa Majoris]

Excellent responses in this thread already. Suffice to say you need to be open about everything but strong too. The Professor's comment about men and women being wired differently is true, regardless of female emancipation.

[twiley]

Let her know that you want to be "together" through this and it's important to you that both of you feel comfortble to go to the other for support. Good luck.

 

 

Suffice to say you need to be open about everything but strong too.

 

 

This, can't really add more except I know exactly what you're going through. Been there, done that - it's tough.

 

ETA: People will always tell you to hang in there and just weather the storm. Their intentions are well but most of them have never owned a business and aren't aware of the tremendous amount of work that goes into it, nor do they know the amount of pride we have for our company as well. To say we'd all gladly go down in flames than fail is quite the understatement but it's true. You put everything into it - heart, soul, money, blood, and tears.

 

This isn't a response to anyone that's posted so far, just an observation from someone that has owned, sold, failed, succeeded and persevered as an entrepreneur for almost 15 years now.

Edited January 23, 2011 by twiley

[whomper]

Im the worrier in my house. My wife is almost too lax about things when I tell her of any concerns. Ive said it on here before. My job is rock solid and my bosses are very happy with me. It is my industry that is scary because it has shifted so far offshore that people just look to cut a guy like me out now. So periodically I express my concerns to the Mrs. and she just never sees us in trouble. She always says we will be fine and not to worry and hardly ever shows panic. Its a strange dynamic because sometimes that is frustrating. You just want to shake her and say no, pay attention, things are wierd around here.

 

So one day she flips the script on me. I was going through my concerns and she just went nuts. Oh my God we should see the house..What are we gonna do ? ? etc etc and it put me on the side saying .No No its fine dont worry. Then the next day she said see, wouldnt it suck if I was the panicking type.

[wiegie]

So one day she flips the script on me. I was going through my concerns and she just went nuts. Oh my God we should see the house..What are we gonna do ? ? etc etc and it put me on the side saying .No No its fine dont worry. Then the next day she said see, wouldnt it suck if I was the panicking type.

At that point I would have been tempted to punch her right in the face and then say to her the next day "Aren't you glad I'm not an abusive husband?"

 

(Edit to add: It should be obvious, but I am not being serious about anyone actually punching their spouse in the face.)

Edited January 23, 2011 by wiegie

[twiley]

At that point I would have been tempted to punch her right in the face and then say to her the next day "Aren't you glad I'm not an abusive husband?"

 

(Edit to add: It should be obvious, but I am not being serious about anyone actually punching their spouse in the face.)

Yeah, we all know it's your wife that beats you.

[whomper]

At that point I would have been tempted to punch her right in the face and then say to her the next day "Aren't you glad I'm not an abusive husband?"

 

(Edit to add: It should be obvious, but I am not being serious about anyone actually punching their spouse in the face.)

 

 

I just went a punched her before I saw your edit. Thanks Wiegie

[Brent]

December 2009, I was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, stage III. Surgery, chemo and radiation were all required, along with a temporary colostomy bag to let the area heal where the cancer was cut out, then a colostomy reversal surgery in Dec 2010. A major obstacle to handle for just about anyone, but to add pressure to this situation, I started my own Insurance Agency in 2007. My agency was one of the fastest growing in my area for a 2 year agent, but I still wasnt making the kind of money to handle day to day operations of my business, personal expenses, and now 10K in upcoming medical expenses with deductibles, co-pays, and remaining 10 % until max out of pocket was reached. On top of this my business was obviously commision, and if I was sick from chemo, how was I going to work, How was I going to make money. I was married, but she was recently unemployed, and talking to her about finances wasnt an option, as she felt she had enough on her plate already, with what we were going through medically, and her looking for another job.

 

Lets just say I was scared to death, but hell bent on making it. I turned to my Dad, who I wasnt sure how he would respond to me. He offered to help if I needed it. I didnt want to take his money, but just knowing if I needed him, he was there. Our bond grew from there. I told him everything, as I couldnt afford a financial mistake. My district manager told me, he would help anyway he could, but in so many ways didnt expect me to be able to make it the next year, which motivated the hell out of me. I was determined to never miss a day of work, until surgery. The first 2 months, my days consisted of 8:30 am radiation treatments, I wore a chemo pack 24 hours a day, that made me sicker and sicker as the day went on. After surgery, I wore the chemo pack another 6 months, until the next surgery in dec 2010. Other than 6 weeks needed to heal from both surgeries combined, I never missed work. I went into work everyday, and had a better year in 2010, than I had in either of my 2 previous years. Even with the recovery time of a combined 6 weeks, I almost doubled my income during this trying year. But this wasnt about money for me, it was about proving to myself, my district manager and anyone else who felt sorry for me, I didnt need it. I was going to be fine. Just knowing my dad was there was all the comfort I needed, and I didnt borrow a dime from him. Now heading into 2011, Im somewhat bored some days, because I dont have as much going on, other than just work. Which is a great thing....

 

 

 

I shared this story to let you know, no matter how dire things seem, a will to succeed, is sometimes all you need to have. How did I sell more this year than any other, I got others involved. I found creative ways to generate business for myself. This maybe what you have to do. At my last follow up appointment my surgeon told me my competitive spirit and no quit attitude helped me overcome the challenges in front of me. A wife isnt the only person you can turn to. I went to my Dad. I also had several buddies that were self employed and I gained alot of ideas from them.

 

Good Luck, you will make it through...

Edited January 23, 2011 by Brent

[redrumjuice]

No matter how tough it gets, just remember there are people waking up today that are in a lot worse position. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Be happy for what you have today.

[SheikYerbuti]

My wife is the worrier. I'm naively optimistic at all times. It's worked out great to this point. I'm sticking with it.

[detlef]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses.

 

I should say that I do, though not as often as she'd prefer, share with my wife the gory details. It just came up today because we got into it about one of the restaurants. She tried to sell it to me as something that, "I'd feel better about if I shared the load" and I had to call BS. For all the reasons above. That "sharing the load of the stress" really means adding one more thing to worry about, that being coddling her. That, while I owed it to her to not shut her out, she needed to realize that it wasn't anything that I got anything out of. And that was why I don't always open up all the time. Because sometimes I just don't have what it takes to deal with what seems to happen most of the time when I do open up.

 

"But how do I know these things even bother you if I have to drag this info out of you?"

 

That's where I sort of lost it. That, just because I don't come home crying over how effed up my week was, doesn't mean that I don't give a crap. It's just that I've just gotten dragged through the drama and crap and don't have any more to give. I've done what could be done about it and now have to hope my decisions pan out. But there's nothing more I can do about once I leave it for the day. That I don't want to relive it just so she's in the loop. Because I don't have what it takes to do it.

 

Because, speaking of how women and men are wired differently, that's a big one. Guys look at the weird way women act and say, "Oh well, that's women for you." Women look at the weird ways guys act and say, "Guys are screwed up and we need to fix them."

 

I think Roller nailed it. I need to look somewhere else than her for the support in this regard. Then maybe I can approach my conversations with her from a more empowered stance. I get the fact that, like prof says, we're just wired differently.

 

I try to remind her that, the fact that I don't seem outwardly freaked out about things that warrant being freaked out about is because a lot of people look to me in tough times and it doesn't do anyone any good to see me freaking out or worried. That I just need to roll my sleeves up and take care of what I can take care of and hope for the best.

 

Oh, and I should also say that things aren't particularly bad for us at the restaurants right now, in case you're concerned. I actually feel better about Jujube than I have in at least a year and this January is at least 10-15% ahead of last January. We'd be effing great if I hadn't just dropped $10K on replacing part of the HVAC.

 

ETA: Yes, I know it could be worse. Much worse.

Edited January 23, 2011 by detlef

[polksalet]

My wife is the worrier and rightly so. She runs a large business and has some "not too bright" people working for her. After what we went through with the girl my personal needs are very slim. I know that no matter what happens we will be ok so long as the kids are all right. Wife is under a lot more stress lately as she has had 3-4 bosses fired in the last 2 years and the new boss is obviously under a lot of stress trying to make it work. If everything goes according to plan we will be completely out of debt in 2 years and she will have much less stress. In fact she is thinking about hanging it up in a few years to teach school. But that is 2 years down the road at best.

 

So anyway she came home freaking out about how this employee was wrecking her store and couldn't motivate them blah, blah, blah. It was then she asked my opinion. I told her that if she wanted I would dress in all black, jump the guy in the parking lot, drag him by the heels for 30 seconds and then leave. She of course told me I was a psycho. I am a hands on guy. That character trait (obsessive) has made me really good at what I do, but I could never run a real business. I gues my point is that it takes all kinds to make life, the world, and business work. You and the wife are just different and it will be fine. Likely she just has so much faith in you that she doesn't think it can go wrong. That is pretty much the way I am with the wife as she has done such a good job for so long that I find it unlikely that she will suddenly fail. But if she does I can always go to N. Korea and work for a year or so and pay everything off.

 

It's gonna be ok dude.

[muck]

Some day, I'll tell my story. Today is not that day. The nerve endings are still a bit raw.

 

I will say that you must tell your wife and get her input and be on the same page when making big decisions.

 

why?

 

Because the last thing you want is for your wife to feel blind-sided by bad news. A close second place is that you do not want your wife to be thinking (much less saying) "I told you so" or "it's your fault" ... you need to make big decisions and be on the same page. Period. No matter how difficult it is emotionally to have that conversation, you owe it to your partner, your wife, your best friend.

 

Good luck.

 

PS - Muckette is the bestest wife in the world.

[SEC=UGA]

I'm not really the best person to reply to this... I'd buy the wife a new iron, give it to her wrapped as a gift and then tell her business really sucked and we were too broke right now to go to the dry cleaners, so she better get to work.

 

I think the best route to go is talking to a longterm, dependable, male friend. May not be a bad idea to see a counselor and bounce some things off of him.

[Perchoutofwater]

I rarely tell my wife everything that is going on in the business. I'll tell her about something that pisses me off that really has no bearing on our future. I'll also tell her that she needs to ratchet back spending when business sucks like it does now, but I don't tell her how bad it is. She knows it is bad, just at looking at the number of trailers in the lay-down yard. She doesn't have any idea what are overhead is, or the various things I'm contemplating doing. If she did know these things it would cause the very situation you described. If I need to talk to someone I typically do it with my brother or my father, though they are both in the business with me. If I feel I need to talk to someone outside of the business, I'll talk to my BIL who also owns a couple of businesses, and knows the tough decisions that have to be made at times, and knows what it is to risk not only your income, but you net worth on a business.

[Footballjoe]

I got some bad news the other day from work. A contract for me to do all the Cities demolition was all but signed. This would have been job security for quite a while. On Friday we got a call fromthe City that said they decided to withdraw from the deal. Now, I do not know if I will have a job come July 1, the beginning of our next fiscal year. I worry about this every year but this year seems like it may really happen. I let my wife know the City Contact fell through and not sure what it will mean come July. I figure she can but 1 and 1 together. I don't usually burden her with my concerns unless she asks about it. I have a close friend here at work I talk to. It keeps my wife from worrying to much and helps me to unload. The one thing I have going for me that many of you don't is that I can draw retirement money, even though its only have of what I need to live on right now.

[Caveman_Nick]

Many good responses in here. The problem is that this is something that's really dependent on your marriage, your wife, and what your respective roles are in that relationship.

 

Without getting into too much gory detail I'll just say that, for me, discussing issues with my wife never, leads to relief, bonding, a shoulder to lean on, etc.. It leads to stress, my having to prop her up and take care of her needs and worries, more things on my mind, etc.. In my house I am the de facto decision maker and am pretty much solely responsible for resolving any issues with the home or our finances. In addition I deal with supporting all of the emotional issues she might have from different areas of her life (job...health...whatever), and have to chase after he to take care of herself, eat right, take care of her vehicle, and so on.

 

Fortunately for me I have always been an independent person and am very laid back about things that happen to me or around me in life. I have always been fairly smart with my money and as I am approaching 40 there are not too many things I need to worry about in that regard.

 

One day the crap will hit the fan with something and I will have a major issue that I have to deal with. It will probably be something she knows little to nothing about in advance. I will deal with her feelings and the need to support her on that day, but until then I just prefer to keep issues to myself and deal with them as best as I can. I give her the postmortem summary. She seems to be generally okay with that.

[MTSuper7]

That I just need to roll my sleeves up and take care of what I can take care of and hope for the best.

 

This part above reminds me of the The Serenity Prayer. I know everyone has differing religious views, but in the end, no matter what your spirituality is, there's one truth in all of this: worry is arguably the most corrosive emotion in the world. Worry (synonymous with stress) literally causes your body to break down. Hopefully you find some healthy outlets of dealing with your worry.

 

I agree with Muck that you have to keep your wife in the loop. She is your partner in life, and Muck is right that she would feel like you didn't love/trust her if she was blind-sided by bad news because you either didn't talk to her or sugarcoated everything (or kept it very surface level).

 

My advice would be to think about the things you can control in your situation and focus on those. Perhaps with the worrying minimized and/or out of the equation, when you discuss things with your wife, you can tell her everything that is going on but do so with an optimistic, positive view toward what you are doing to put yourselves in the best possible situation. I know it probably sounds easier said than done, but removing worry from your thought process really does help.

 

I attended a presentation by Dr. Alan Zimmerman a couple years ago that did wonders for me in that department. At the very least, I would suggest you check out his downloadable content on managing stress.

Edited January 24, 2011 by MTSuper7

[detlef]

Some day, I'll tell my story. Today is not that day. The nerve endings are still a bit raw.

 

I will say that you must tell your wife and get her input and be on the same page when making big decisions.

 

why?

 

Because the last thing you want is for your wife to feel blind-sided by bad news. A close second place is that you do not want your wife to be thinking (much less saying) "I told you so" or "it's your fault" ... you need to make big decisions and be on the same page. Period. No matter how difficult it is emotionally to have that conversation, you owe it to your partner, your wife, your best friend.

 

Good luck.

 

PS - Muckette is the bestest wife in the world.

Like I said, it's not like I tell her nothing, it's just that she needs to realize that it is rarely anything I get much out of. At least what she seems to think I would. That said, it's not always the case because she's an intelligent person and is often very useful for some perspective. We've been together now 12 years and I have a pretty good idea at what sorts of things she'd be a great resource in coming up with. But the reality is that, many times, there's just little point in getting someone who doesn't do what you do so up to speed on something to be of use in terms of perspective. So this has more to do with sharing the doom and gloom stories, especially because she knows it's going on. There are no illusions that we're just kicking ass and taking names right now. She knows it, I know it, so what's the point?

 

It's also not as if I make all the calls in the house. Not by a long shot. She brings in money as well and we sit down and do our finances together. It's our house, our money, our everything and I would never do anything remotely major with our personal finances or such without consulting her. For the same reason that I'd be furious if she did so without talking to me.