Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 After some long and hard conversations recently, it came to light that my parents (both just about to turn 70) are in some pretty dire financial straits. So we all decided this last weekend that before my parents lose their home, they will try to put it up for sale... and in the meantime my wife and I are going to finish our basement to turn into an apartment for them. This has already been decided, so keep in mind I'm not asking if anyone thinks its a good idea, etc. This is going to happen. They will be moving in with us sometime in the next 6 months or so (and we've welcomed them to stay for as long as they want/need to). My question is... for those of you who have also lived with your parents as adults, what kinds of issues should we try to anticipate arising once they move in? I'm one who believes that if you can see the problems coming before they arrive, you can at least be somewhat prepared for how you deal with it. A little background: Currently my parents live about an hour away, and we don't see them very often. However we all get along VERY well. This was actually my wife's idea, so she is definitely on board (no problems there). We've got a boy (3.5 years), two girls 50% of the time (9 and 11 years), a dog, and a cat. My Dad has had health problems in the past, but is doing great now. They both are retired, but work part time (although this obviously wears my Dad out pretty quickly). They have one small pension, but are pretty much relying on social security now. They will take over the daycare duties of my Son once they move in (this will be what frees up the daycare money for us to be able to afford to finish the basement). My Dad will probably quit his job, but my Mom will continue to work part time. We know everyone involved will need to adjust to this, but as far as the adults are concerned anyway, I think we are all looking forward to this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 i think it is great what you are doing savage. how's their health? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 good luck to you guys.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Interesting. This needs a lot more thought than I have time for right now but I do have a minor experience in this area. Will reply later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Interesting. This needs a lot more thought than I have time for right now but I do have a minor experience in this area. Will reply later. wurd...... ill give u a fallow up when i can Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 I did this with my mother. But her health was worse than what you are describing, so the experiences may be different. I needed to juggle my work secedule in order to check up on her and for frequent doctor visits. It sounds like that won't be an issue yet for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 I think it is awesome what you are doing..I dont have experience but I thought about it as if it was me and came up with this question..My parents love my wife but my mom is very strong headed and opinionated..If my parents lived with us I could see a problem with my mom questioning some of my wifes methods . Do you forsee anything of that nature being an issue ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 how's their health? Right now it is good... for both of them. About 7 years ago my Dad had some major problems with his bowels... he has chrohns but is being treated and doign very well now (has been doign well for a number of years). My Mom has had some minor issues come and go (a gall bladder problem last year) but she is usually quite healthy. They are both pretty active in a camping group with a bunch of other couples their age. One of the reasons we wanted them to move in with us was so that they wouldn't have to quit camping with their friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Country Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 In addition to what others have mentioned, I would just be concerned over whether or not your parents would be able to keep up with a 3.5 year old on an every day basis if they are going to be taking over the primary day care duties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 (edited) We took out life insurance (at least enough to bury) the gf's Mom when we found out she didn't have any life insurance of her own. Funerals are expensive. Good luck to ya. I'd do this for my parents in a heartbeat. Edited October 30, 2007 by TimC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 I think it is awesome what you are doing..I dont have experience but I thought about it as if it was me and came up with this question..My parents love my wife but my mom is very strong headed and opinionated..If my parents lived with us I could see a problem with my mom questioning some of my wifes methods . Do you forsee anything of that nature being an issue ? Right now, I don't see any personality conflicts. My wife has OCD so she can be a bit particular about keeping the house clean, but actually I think my parents living with us would help us to keep things more clean and in order for her. Another thing is this... when I moved out of my parents' house to go to college, my Grandmother moved in and lived with my parents for a number of years. My Grandmother and my Mother used to have some personality conflicts, but I think that that experience with my Grandmother will kind of prepare my parents for moving in with us now. They know exactly what it was like on the other end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 In addition to what others have mentioned, I would just be concerned over whether or not your parents would be able to keep up with a 3.5 year old on an every day basis if they are going to be taking over the primary day care duties. Yeah that does concern me a bit actually. We do have a backup daycare system in place if necessary, but we're hoping to keep that daycare money for the home equity loan that we'll be taking out. I think we'll have to talk some more about this though jsut to make sure they realize how NOT easy it is to run after him all day. We took out life insurance (at least enough to bury) the gf's Mom when we found out she didn't have any life insurance of her own. Funerals are expensive. Good luck to ya. I'd do this for my parents in a heartbeat. Great advice! I will for sure look into some policies for both of them right away. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheShiznit Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 I sell tons of Long Term Care insurance. One conversation I would have with your borthers and sisters(if any) is that you and your wife are gonna be the built in care givers for your mom and dad. There should be a conversation around this. I usually have the sibling who are not going to be the caregivers pool money together to help mom and dad buy long term care insurance. That way, when they cannot be cared for at home anymore, they can at least be independent enough to pick a assisted living or nursing facility of their choice versus Medicaid programs. Also, remember, you are your parents son....no their parents. This is one theme I hear all the time in these situations...from the parents mostly. You remember...as a child...your dad.."as long as you are under my roof you will follow my rules!" Sometimes, this is what we tend to do to our parents when they move in with us. Set of a rent type situation so that you have tangible evidence that they are in fact paying you to live under your roof...so this never comes to fruition. My two cents. You seem like a very level headed guy...you will do fine. But make sure you have the long term care conversation with your siblings and mom and dad. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 at first i just read the bolded part and thought YOU were moving into your parents' basement the only thing i'd add is....when you do the remodel, do your best to make sure thier "living space" is as independent from yours as you can. kitchenette, separate entrance, as much of that as is feasible within your space, budget, etc. you all are going to have as much interaction with each other as you could want....the more everyone sorta has their own independent retreat and their own space, the better the likelihood of everyone staying sane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Right now, I don't see any personality conflicts. My wife has OCD so she can be a bit particular about keeping the house clean So does mine . It drives you nuts sometimes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatman Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 No advice, but sounds like a great thing you guys are doing. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Yeah that does concern me a bit actually. We do have a backup daycare system in place if necessary, but we're hoping to keep that daycare money for the home equity loan that we'll be taking out. I think we'll have to talk some more about this though jsut to make sure they realize how NOT easy it is to run after him all day. Might want to consider retaining one external day care, maybe Wednesday, so they get a day off during the week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PSULions Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Rent the first season of Kings of Queens when Arthur moves into their basement... I am sure it will help you prepare yourself with any issues that may arise! Seriously, this is a great thing you are doing for your folks and I am sure that it will be great for your son to build some memories of your parents as he gets older. My in-laws are very young, but moved down from PA to be near our family and the time that they spend with my kids (especially my father-in-law and my son) is priceless. You are getting some good advice from some other folks here so you will have a jump on this issues before they actually move in. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 We went through this with my grandmother when I was a kid. The only advice I can give is simple, but probably among the most important things you will need to remember.... Make sure everyone knows that you are inviting them to make your home into their home. You can't invite your parents in to be 'guests'. They won't be happy and you won't be happy. You don't want your 70+ year old parents feeling like they can't touch things, do things, help with things, move things, etc. Your wife needs to be cool with the concept, and it sounds like she is or at least has time to become so. If they have complete separate living space it will help, but if they have to go through the main house to get in and out, or if you need to go through their area to get to the garage, etc., that makes it more of a shared space. FWIW, I think it's terrific, especially if you have kids at home. Most kids do not get enough grandparent face time. I just know from experience that having an older generation there in 'guest' mode rather than 'at home' mode is bad for all involved Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 Might want to consider retaining one external day care, maybe Wednesday, so they get a day off during the week. Well, my wife does have at least one weekday off of work each week, so they would only have to watch him a maximum of 4 days per week. She also goes into work late one day per week, so really it is more like 3.5 days per week. Then also, if he is ready (and we're just not sure quite yet) its possible that our Son could start pre-school as early as next Fall. So that would also decrease the amount of time they would need to watch him. We haven't gotten him potty trained yet though, and he needs to develop his communication skills a bit more, but it's certainly a possibility. The only thing that really kind of concerns me is that I know at some point it would end up being just my Dad at home alone with my Son. Now its not like he isn't capable of handling it (for now) but I think that after a year or so of doing this over and over, it could really take its toll on my Dad physically. Hell it wears me out when I am alone with the boy on the weekends that my wife works. I think it could be ok, but he's definitely gonna need his vitamins! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Well, my wife does have at least one weekday off of work each week, so they would only have to watch him a maximum of 4 days per week. She also goes into work late one day per week, so really it is more like 3.5 days per week. Then also, if he is ready (and we're just not sure quite yet) its possible that our Son could start pre-school as early as next Fall. So that would also decrease the amount of time they would need to watch him. We haven't gotten him potty trained yet though, and he needs to develop his communication skills a bit more, but it's certainly a possibility. The only thing that really kind of concerns me is that I know at some point it would end up being just my Dad at home alone with my Son. Now its not like he isn't capable of handling it (for now) but I think that after a year or so of doing this over and over, it could really take its toll on my Dad physically. Hell it wears me out when I am alone with the boy on the weekends that my wife works. I think it could be ok, but he's definitely gonna need his vitamins! Honestly, I think it will have more of a positive affect on him than a negative one. He'll probably have a ball, and live longer for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 nothing else to add but this... this is admirable of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 Honestly, I think it will have more of a positive affect on him than a negative one. He'll probably have a ball, and live longer for it. You know what, that's a great response... I can tell you this, having them live with us and watch their Grandson is going to be A LOT less stressful than the prospect of them losing their home, their car, declaring bankruptcy and having to give up all of the things that they love doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 By the way... any Huddlers in Minnesota, we're looking for a good contractor if you can recommend one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 You know what, that's a great response... I can tell you this, having them live with us and watch their Grandson is going to be A LOT less stressful than the prospect of them losing their home, their car, declaring bankruptcy and having to give up all of the things that they love doing. not to mention the joy that they will get out of having such access to their grandson. Generally speaking, the older people are, the more they realize how precious young life is. You should get him a puppy, too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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