junebugz Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Heard this one last night from my 3rd grader. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. 1278689[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Uranus Not a joke, but still funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What's blue and gooey? Smurf cum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Q: Why was Rock Hudson buried with his butt sticking out of the ground? A: His buddies might want to stop by for a cold one... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BiggieFries Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What's blue and gooey?Smurf cum. 1278705[/snapback] A penguin had to take his car for engine repair. The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong. The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream. When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car. When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replied, "No, it's ice-cream!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 A penguin had to take his car for engine repair. The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong. The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream. When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car. When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replied, "No, it's ice-cream!" 1278717[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldenGopher Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk? Disney spells. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 For Puddy: What does an accountant do for birth control? He talks about his business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckB Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Why did Mickey break up with Minnie? Because she was f'n Goofy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 An Irishman walks into a bar. He walked up to the bartender. The bartender asks "Whadda want, ya' curs-ed Irish lush?" The Irishman blinked twice, then pulled out a notepad and wrote something in it. The bartender asked "Whaddya writing, ya darned green foot?" The Irishman, with a tear in his eye, held up the notepad revealing the words "I may be Irish, but I still have feelings." The bartender looked down, then exclaimed, "You're right, this world would be a better place if we all just love a little more." The two became best friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins? " The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins? " The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!" 1279225[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BYoder Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 A chicken and an egg are in the bedroom laying on the bed. The chicken is smiling and smoking a cigarette when the egg looks over with a dirty look on its face. After a minute the egg exclaims in a very irritated voice "Well I guess we know the answer to that question!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 An Electrical, Mechanical, and Civil Engineer are discussing what kind of engineer God was. "Electrical." insists the Electrical engineer. "Look the the human nervous system!" "No," said the Mechanical engineer, "he was a Mechanical engineer. Look at the way all the muscles work together!" "No, you're both wrong." said the Civil engineer. "Only a Civil engineer would have thought of running the waste system through the recreation department." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 A man discovers he has only 4 weeks to live. "Is there anything you can do?" he asks the doctor. "Well, maybe one thing," the doctor says. "I want you to go to this special spa and soak in the mud baths for three weeks." "Will that help?" asked the man. "Well, no," said the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 See what ya started ,darin! MY HEAD!! MY HEAD!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!! AAHHH!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 There's a group of dead nuns waiting in line to see St. Peter, so they can enter into heaven. St. Peter says to the first nun, "Before you can go into heaven, you must answer one question for me. Have you ever touched a thingie?" The first nun replies, "Well, yes. But I only did it once. I just kinda stroked it with my pinky a little." St. Peter says, "You must wash your pinky in the fountain of holy water before you may enter heaven." "Okay," says the nun, and she proceeds to wash off her pinky. St. Peter asks the second nun the same question. "I just squeezed it with my right hand, it was no big deal," says nun #2. St. Peter tells the nun she must wash her hand in the holy water, and she does so. Suddenly, a nun comes running up from the back of the line. "Why are you cutting?" asks St. Peter. The nun answers, "If I have to gargle that Athena, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deacon Bill Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 (edited) There was a man named Bill Wilson whose claim to fame was that he knew everyone in the world personally. One of his buddies told him, "it's just not possible that you know everyone." Bill Wilson replied, "name anyone, and I can prove I know them". His pal says, "Angelina Jolie. You can't possibly know her". Bill Wilson says, "c'mon, I'll prove it. Me & Angie are tight". They hop on Bill Wilson's private jet, fly to Hollywood, go to the set where AJ's working, knock on her dressing room door, and AJ answers. She says, "Bill Wilson you old dog! Where ya' been hidin' yourself?" Well now Bill Wilson's friend is flabbergasted. He couldn't believe he knew AJ. Bill Wilson says, "so, you convinced now that I know everybody?" His friend says, "No way. But if you are pals with George Bush, then I'll really believe you." Bill Wilson says, "I'm tellin' ya', George has me over for cookouts whenever he's back in Texas; but okay, lets go." They hop on Bill Wilson's private jet, fly to DC, walk up the White House steps, and all the secret service agents say, "good evening Mr. Wilson. Are you here to see George Bush?" They escort him to the oval office, knock on the door, and George Bush answers it and is shocked to see his old pal Bill Wilson. "Hey Bill Wilson, how ya' been! Long time no see!" Bill Wilson's friend is stunned. He thinks, "maybe he does know everyone on the planet." But then he gets an idea. He tells Bill Wilson, "If you were to tell me that you know the pope, and prove it, then I would absolutely believe that you really do know everyone." Bill Wilson tells him, "Me & Benny are best buds. But okay, seeing is believing." So they hop on Bill Wilson's private jet and fly to Rome. As they walk up the Vatican steps, the guards welcome Bill Wilson saying, "Hey Bill Wilson, good to see you. You here to see his holiness?" Bill Wilson says, "yea, is he in?" The guards say yes, but that it would be impossible for Bill Wilson's friend to accompany him to see the pope; for security reasons. His friend says, "how am I gonna' know if you really know the pope, if I can't go in with ya'?" Bill Wilson says, "I'll tell ya' what. The pope always comes out on his balcony at 3 in the afternoon to give his papal blessing." "I'll go with him, and point you out in the crowd so that he can wave to you, okay?" His friend says "that'll be just fine, and that will prove to me once and for all, that you really do know everone." 3 o'clock rolls around, Bill Wilson's friend is outside in the plaza with thousands of people waiting to get a blessing from the pope. Sure enough, the pope walks out, Bill Wilson point to where his pal is standing, the pope waves at him, and Bill Wilson's pal passes out cold. Bill Wilson rushes through the crowd to get to his pal.He finally gets there as his friend is gaining consciousness, and asks him, "why did you pass out? I told you I knew the pope!" His friend tells him, "That's not why I passed out. Some guy in the crowd says to me, HEY!, who's that standing with Bill Wilson?!" Edited January 21, 2006 by Deacon Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 A man discovers he has only 4 weeks to live. "Is there anything you can do?" he asks the doctor. "Well, maybe one thing," the doctor says. "I want you to go to this special spa and soak in the mud baths for three weeks." "Will that help?" asked the man. "Well, no," said the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt." 1279254[/snapback] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isleseeya Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 enjoy Sven staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Ole. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Judy. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Sven sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Sven woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Judy staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Sven?" Sven said, " Why you say such a mean ting?" "Well," Judy said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboysDiehard Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 egad.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigmike4969 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 So I called my butcher today... Me: " Sir, do you have pig's feet?" Butcher: "Why, yes I do." Me: " Well, where do you buy your shoes?" :crickets: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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