KevinL Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) I pulled this from the marriage thread. That's easy. The person should be a trusted friend; ideally your best friend. You simply need to be able to turn your back on the person in any and all circumstances with complete and total faith that they won't betray you. If you don't have that kind of faith in the person, you've got no business getting married to them. There needs to be mutual sexual attraction and satisfaction. No brainer here. And I'm not talking about marrying the person who "society" deems to be hot. I'm talking about marrying the person that makes YOU hot. Apologies to those who don't believe in premarital hanky-panky, but if one is making the decision to make a life-long, monogamous commitment to another person, both are better off knowing in advance if this fundamentally important aspect of the marital relationship will be a fulfilling one. Everyone - EVERYONE - has imperfections. Foibles, short comings, flaws, what have you. Finding a person whose flaws don't really bother you, and a person who isn't all that bothered by your flaws, is a secret ingredient I don't think gets mention. You shouldn't ever feel that your going to have to "change" someone down the road in order to be happy together. Also, I believe that you need be together long enough to have gone through a couple of knock-down, drag-out fights and have: (1) resolved the issues constructively; and (2) remain steadfast in your commitment to one another. You will get into fights when married, guaranteed. If your premairrage relationship can't handle that, chances are your marital relationship won't, either. And that, my friends, is why courting should be a protracted affair, people should live together first, and enagements should be long; in order to give both people enough time to figure this stuff out. 1278504[/snapback] Do people really do this? In my experience, rarely will people live together for a significant amount of time, and then realize that they're wrong for each other. It seems like living together is just an irreversible step that leads to marriage ... might as well just get married. I'm not asking is it right, is it wrong, is it good, is it bad ... what I'm asking is: Do people live together and actually evaluate the relationship, and sometimes back out? Or Do people live together blindly and then get married as the next step? When you answer, please disregard people who live together for 20 years and will never marry, as well as people who are basically vagrants ... live with someone for 2-3 months and then move on to the next. Edited January 20, 2006 by KevinL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grits and Shins Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I proposed to my brided back in 83 ... we lived together for 2 years and then got married in 85. However, we didn't move in on a "trial basis" but more for reasons of economy (and sex). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) I was engaged several years ago. This girl and I never lived together. It - being living together - could have sealed our fate (breaking up) sooner. For some reason, she thought I was a slob. When, in all seriousness, it was my roommate that rarely did dishes and left crap all over our apartment. And in the funniest of twists, she broke up with me, only to start dating him, and they're now married. I'm currently seriously involved with a girl, and while we don't live together, we spend enough time at one another's places. We've given thought to moving in together. In THIS instance, I think it'll be a good thing. Edited January 20, 2006 by darin3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Married an Irish Catholic girl, living together was NOT an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 We lived together from 84 until 87. Been married since then. We needed stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinL Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 I proposed to my brided back in 83 ... we lived together for 2 years and then got married in 85. However, we didn't move in on a "trial basis" but more for reasons of economy (and sex). 1278566[/snapback] Like I said, I see plenty of examples of living together as a step towards marriage. I just think that rarely is it used as an evaluation period, because (from what I see) rarely does it end in anything EXCEPT marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) It depends on the strength of the individuals involved. Perhaps I don't give enough credit and therefore am contridicting myslef in support of the idea, but most people get comfortable and stay in the relationship even if it's wrong. Moving in together will further tie their lives together and make it harder for them to cut ties if neccessary. That said, if people are going to insist on living together (and the economics of things often makes this the case) they really need to look hard at how the union, pre-marriage, is going and have the strength to get out if that's what is the right thing to do. Edited January 20, 2006 by TDFFFreak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My wife and I lived together for 3 years before we got married. We have some friends that just got married and are living together now for the first time. From what I understand, there are a few instances where they've almost killed each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I've known people who've broken things off after living together. They discovered things about each other they might not have, given the close quarters they were in (like hidden financial troubles and deal-breaker personality traits that hadn't previously surfaced). I've also known people who lived together, got married, and still ended up getting divorced. So I think its fair to say that living together before hand is no guarantee that you'll learn all that you need to know in order to make the plunge. However, it'll certainly give you more information on your perspective spouse than you would have had, absent living together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziachild007 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I think it is better to live together for awhile and a ) either decide that you are perfect for each other and plan a marriage OR b ) decide there is no way you can spend the rest of your life with this person and head for splitsville. One of my best friends dated a girl for 2-1/2 years and never lived with her. After they got married and he moved in with her, he came to realize that she was a full fledged beeyotch, and a whoore to boot. Needless to say it didn't end pretty and IMO could have either been avoided or at least cut off earlier had the lived together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 people live together and break up (before marriage) all the time. it's very common. i don't really get the question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theeohiostate Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 I lived with one women for 2.5 years and we grew apart. I lived with another women for 2 years and we grew apart. I lived with a third women for 5 years and we have been married ever since, an additional 3 years. It took me 3 tries but everything worked out, i highly suggest that people wanting to get married to live together for a bit to see how they work together, i do have an employee getting married here in a few months and they have not lived together i fear the a divorce in on the horizon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinL Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 people live together and break up (before marriage) all the time. it's very common. i don't really get the question. 1278703[/snapback] In my personal experience, it isn't common at all, in fact I can't think of a single example. Perhaps my experience is skewed. That's why I'm asking. It depends on the strength of the individuals involved. Perhaps I don't give enough credit and therefore am contridicting myslef in support of the idea, but most people get comfortable and stay in the relationship even if it's wrong. Moving in together will further tie their lives together and make it harder for them to cut ties if neccessary. 1278581[/snapback] This is what I have observed also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 it's a documented fact that the divorce rate is higher among the most strict religious groups (i.e., people who think "living in sin" is absolutely scandalous and would not do it), than it is among atheists/agnostics and the like. so that might lend a little bit of credence to the idea that living together first is smart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dutch Oven Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My wife and I lived together for a year before we got married. I am totally for people doing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My wife and I lived together for a year before we got married. I am totally for people doing that. 1278759[/snapback] Have you ever given your wife a dutch oven? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaumont Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Married an Irish Catholic girl, living together was NOT an option. 1278568[/snapback] Same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DO Jaded Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 It was actually my future mother-in-law that suggested we move in together first, before making wedding plans. Worked out wonderfully, as we've been together for 21 years, 19 living together and 17 married. It really depends on you though. I suggest living together first, but only if you have the will power and self awareness to walk away if the relationship is not what you need it to be. If you don't have that then you run the risk of letting "living together" coerce you into marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gopher Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 A lot of people live together and find out they're not right for each other, so yes, I think people do it all the time. However, I don't agree that you should have to live with someone to be able to tell if you're going to be compatible. Also, premarital sex is not required to determine if you will be sexually compatible. If you love each other, you will BECOME sexually compatible.... It might take a while, but if it's important enough to both people, it will happen. That said, I lived with my wife for about 2 years before getting married last year. And, I had lots of premarital sex, with my wife and others. A lot of it I actually regret because, for me, getting married wasn't as special as it should have been because nothing really changed. We had a huge celebration, went on a honeymoon, and returned home. Living together before marriage these days has more to do with the financial benefits than it does with finding out if you can live with the person. 90% of that you should be able to figure out by spending time at each other's places, or just spending time together in general. Like I said, I am as guilty as the next person..... We moved in together because I was at her apartment all of the time anyway, and it didn't make sense for me to pay hundreds of dollars a month for my place, which had pretty much become an expensive storage facility. I just think the whole thing about having to live with someone to determine if it will work is BS. And, by the way, I never would have lived with her prior to marriage if we were both not 100% sure that we were going to get married eventually. Not saying other people shouldn't do it, but I don't think it should be looked at as a requirement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Have you ever given your wife a dutch oven? 1278785[/snapback] Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
montster Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 my wife and i were engaged before ever living together, but we moved in together more than a year before we got married. while we were engaged, my wife was living at home with her mom, who was sick. after her mom died, we moved in together because my wife didn't want to live alone. even though i already knew i wanted to marry her, i'm still glad we lived together first. also, we had friends who had dated for years before deciding to buy a house together. a year later, they broke up. that was a mess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 (edited) it's a documented fact that the divorce rate is higher among the most strict religious groups (i.e., people who think "living in sin" is absolutely scandalous and would not do it), than it is among atheists/agnostics and the like. so that might lend a little bit of credence to the idea that living together first is smart. 1278726[/snapback] Really? Can you produce some documentation that compares the divorce rate of people that lived together before they got married versus the divorce rate of people that did not live together first? The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. In other words, those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Santow, Morgan & Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990). The latest of that is 10 years ago. I wonder if it has changed significantly...? Nothing statistical, but this suggests the divorce rate is still higher among those that cohabitate first. More going the other way, but again no statistics. Stats seem to be hard to find, but there are tons of links that suggest the opposite of your claim, and while some of them are 'religios groups', most of them aren't. Dr. Dave and Dee say no... This site suggests that violent incidents are also more prevailant among people that cohabitate before marriage Funny thing, too...I read on several sites (perhaps ones I have linked here) that the reason that the divorce rate is higher in red states than in blue states is that people in blue states are significantly more likely to continue to cohabitate and not get married, whereas in red states people tend not to do that but to move on to marriage. Edited January 20, 2006 by Caveman_Nick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Have you ever given your wife a dutch oven? 1278785[/snapback] Do you like movies about Gladiators? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Really? Can you produce some documentation that compares the divorce rate of people that lived together before they got married versus the divorce rate of people that did not live together first? 1279040[/snapback] here's something with the religious data... this is also correlated by the fact that divorce rates are highest in the bible belt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yo mama Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Do you like movies about Gladiators? 1279043[/snapback] Have you ever been in a Turkish prison? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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