spain Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 New Rules: New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout? New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the El Guapo. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge El Guapo. New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 Please free to add to the list. This could be interesting...Or not... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 (edited) New Rule: Messy hair just looks messy. Its not cool. Its not stylish. Its just messy. Go get a brush and come that clumped up mess sticking straight up like an alf alfa sprout. And while your at it, pull your pants up. You aint a convict. You aint ghetto. You dam sure aint tough. Comb your hair and get a belt. Edited August 1, 2007 by spain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 7th time posted of this Carlin list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Love Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 7th time posted of this Carlin list. And we're going on what, the 35th year that George Carlin hasn't been funny? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 New Rule: Pink is the new black. Deal with it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cre8tiff Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Ancient Rule: Leave your anus and colon alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 Ancient Rule: Leave your anus and colon alone. In Chargerz sigline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DemonKnight Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 7th time posted of this Carlin list. And for the 7th time its Lewis Black not George Carlin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isleseeya Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 New rule : All charcoal and charcoal brands should sell matchlight briquettes only ...no need to sell charcoal that requires lighter fluid ...nearly burned my eyebrows off on vacation recently and do not believe gasoline and petrochemicals should be applied to something you will cook raw meat on 4 minutes later Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H8tank Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge El Guapo. I have only been to a starbucks once in my life, and have never had anything sold there. El Guapo must be filtered for ghey momo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexgaddis Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I have only been to a starbucks once in my life, and have never had anything sold there. El Guapo must be filtered for ghey momo. I agree...Caribou Coffee is much better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Swerski Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I agree...Caribou Coffee is much better! Among others. New Rule: Dunkin' Donuts needs to stop ignoring the West Coast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zmanzzzz Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 new rule: women must go nakid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrudge Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.I disagree with this one if you collect baseball cards as an investment. If you collect them because you are a fan and you are a grown man, your a dope. If you collect them (or got some hand me downs from family) and will retire or at least put your kids through college one day, then your smart. I have a friend in that latter category that has a Honus Wagner card. I don't know what it's actually worth, but based off of what others have sold for, my guess is that it will put his kid through college at least a few years...all for a little piece of cardboard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 New Rule: Dunkin' Donuts needs to stop ignoring the West Coast. For once I agree with Bill Swerski. But... now I'm back to thinking he's an idiot. That was fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zmanzzzz Posted August 3, 2007 Share Posted August 3, 2007 For once I agree with Bill Swerski. but not me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McNasty Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 Among others. New Rule: Dunkin' Donuts needs to stop ignoring the West Coast. +2. But, I did have their coffee the last time I was back in Philly, and it wasn't as good as I remembered. I still loves me some Bavarian Creme donuts, though. Oh, and I'll take a WaWa out here, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheikYerbuti Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 +2. But, I did have their coffee the last time I was back in Philly, and it wasn't as good as I remembered. I still loves me some Bavarian Creme donuts, though. Oh, and I'll take a WaWa out here, too. +100 You beat me to it. Once the Yankees move out of their stadium, WaWa may be the final reason I can't move out of the New Jersey area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted August 4, 2007 Share Posted August 4, 2007 but not me? Hell no. I enjoy a little mystery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 New rule :All charcoal and charcoal brands should sell matchlight briquettes only ...no need to sell charcoal that requires lighter fluid ...nearly burned my eyebrows off on vacation recently and do not believe gasoline and petrochemicals should be applied to something you will cook raw meat on 4 minutes later you may wish to try using charcoal that does not require any lighter fluid whatsoever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egret Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 +2. But, I did have their coffee the last time I was back in Philly, and it wasn't as good as I remembered. I still loves me some Bavarian Creme donuts, though. Oh, and I'll take a WaWa out here, too. The Target by us just started selling the Dunkin' Donuts coffee beans in bags. I haven't tried it, but I'm going to guess it tastes just like the stuff in the stores. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJoTheWebToedBoy Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 If your older the 25, buy a real pair of pants and stop wearing your hat sideways is no longer cool, it's just sad..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 you may wish to try using charcoal that does not require any lighter fluid whatsoever. I use one of those Newspaper starter chimney's. Works much better than lighter fluid and no petrochemical taste. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SheikYerbuti Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 I use one of those Newspaper starter chimney's. Works much better than lighter fluid and no petrochemical taste. Totally. America's Test Kitchen got me onto the starter chimney. $12 at Home Depot and you never need lighter fluid again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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