Explaining death to a child

[whomper]

As I updated in the thread the situation with my Mother in law is looking very bad unfortunately. We are still aggresively looking into anything we can do to help her but are feeling deep down that we may lose her soon. My daughters are 7 and 4 and have always had a very close relationship with her. They understand right now that their Nani is very sick and realize something is just not right because my wife is at the hospital all the time. I have held out on having the talk with them yet because if they get upset my wife will even be more upset. When the time comes to sit down and talk to them I know everything I want to say to them. They understand as best a kid their age can understand what / Who God is. They have not lost any relatives. Their biggest loss was my Dog over 2 years ago and I tried to use that as an example when it happened but they were 4.5 and 2 so it didnt really sink in. I was just curious to your stories or experiences with talking to your children about this. I hope this doesnt bring back bad memories for you and I am sorry if it does and completely understand if you dont wish to talk about it. I was also curious if you children attended the Viewing/ funeral services for the deceased. At my kids age right now I seriously doubt I want them there because I dont know how they will handle seeing her like that. Then again I am always open to opinions. Thanks for listening and for your support in the other thread.

Edited January 22, 2008 by whomper

[isleseeya]

sorry to hear this Whomp

 

in past when speaking to my children on this i emphasized that people on earth are eventually called to go back home to the Lord in Heaven

 

As a christian, i try to emphasize that while we will miss them on earth , we will see them again in Heaven and there they will be happy , suffering no pain and its the most beautiful place imaginable

 

also emphasize , that while we will miss them we should be happy and thankful for the time we had with them and chereish and remember all the great moments and memories

 

good luck with this my friend

 

EDIT to add : should children want to attend funeral services , i would say yes to let them ...but obviously would not force them should they be uncomfortable doing so as well

Edited January 22, 2008 by isleseeya

[Double Agent]

This is a tough situation. For me, I wouldn't say much to the 4 year old other than Nani is sick or Nani is in Heaven. Usually less is more with the little ones. IMO the 7 year old is your problem. She's old enough to kind of understand what it going on. She's also old enough to be mad if she's outside the loop on the information. I really feel for your family. This is a tough one and you'll make the right decision...whatever that is.

 

As far as the funeral, I probably wouldn't take the 4 year old. And if there's a viewing I would exclude the girls from that. That's just me though. Most of us will have to go through this. It is not fun. Prayers to you and your family.

[Ziachild007]

I havent had to explain that to any of my kids yet, but my two oldest are about the same age yours (7 and 3). I think the fact that you said "They understand as best a kid their age can understand what / Who God is" helps a lot. With that understanding they will realize that going to be with God is a good thing and their Nani will be in a better place. As far as the seeing her in the stae she is in now, thats a tough one. I would probably let my 7 year old see her grandma. Not quite sure how my 3 year old would react, even though she is pretty bright and tough for a 3 year old, if that makes sense. Whatever decision you come to will be a tough one, I am sure. Just pray about it and discuss it with your wife and whatever you two decide will be the right decision.

[Yukon Cornelius]

As I updated in the thread the situation with my Mother in law is looking very bad unfortunately. We are still aggresively looking into anything we can do to help her but are feeling deep down that we may lose her soon. My daughters are 7 and 4 and have always had a very close relationship with her. They understand right now that their Nani is very sick and realize something is just not right because my wife is at the hospital all the time. I have held out on having the talk with them yet because if they get upset my wife will even be more upset. When the time comes to sit down and talk to them I know everything I want to say to them. They understand as best a kid their age can understand what / Who God is. They have not lost any relatives. Their biggest loss was my Dog over 2 years ago and I tried to use that as an example when it happened but they were 4.5 and 2 so it didnt really sink in. I was just curious to your stories or experiences with talking to your children about this. I hope this doesnt bring back bad memories for you and I am sorry if it does and completely understand if you dont wish to talk about it. I was also curious if you children attended the funeral services for the deceased. At my kids age right now I seriously doubt I want them there because I dont know how they will handle seeing her like that. Then again I am always open to opinions. Thanks for listening and for your support in the other thread.

all i can say is, be honest about it...

my father in law died a year ago and i just sat the 3 boys down 6-4-4 at the time and explained death to them... they asked alot of questions and i answered the best i could...

Edited January 22, 2008 by Yukon Cornelius

[The Wolf]

Sorry to hear this update Whomp. Hang in there and let me know if there is anything the missus or I can do; we do not live too far from you.

 

To answer your question, my little one is only 19 months old, so I am curious myself to see what advice others lend.

Edited January 22, 2008 by The Wolf

[KevinL]

I was also curious if you children attended the funeral services for the deceased. At my kids age right now I seriously doubt I want them there because I dont know how they will handle seeing her like that. Then again I am always open to opinions. Thanks for listening and for your support in the other thread.

 

I've taken my kids to calling hours for their grandfather and their aunt, but not to the actual funeral. I think it's good for them to see the body at rest to have some closure, but to have them at the funeral can be an added distraction / stress.

 

We've had an extra hour for just the family before normal calling hours recently.

[T_bone65]

My son Eric was only 1.5 when his grandmother died, so he really didn't have a clue about it. My father died when Eric was 13 so he handled that pretty well. We are getting close with Elise right now, she is 2.5 and my wifes mother is pretty bad off right now as well. I am curious to see what everyones advise will be.

 

Chris, you are a very wise man and what you decide will work for the best. Please give Marilyn a hug for me when you see her.

 

You are all in my prayers bro

[Rebellab]

Children should absolutely attended the funeral and family time at the visitation. When things get busy during the visitation then yes a sitter is in order to allow you and your wife to be with family. Children understand far more than we give them credit. I have seen on numerous occasions children crying because mom and dad are crying, then go out and play. They come in and then go view the body and ask questions. They will then become sad and wonder why etc. Then five minutes later they will be outside playing or coloring in the other room. THey grieve, just in a different way.

 

As far as talking to children, DO NOT tell them they are sleeping. Two weeks after the funeral there is a good chance they will not want to go to sleep because grandma was sleeping and is not around anymore. Be very honest with them. If you are religious, tell them that grandma is with God in heaven. If you are not religious then talk about how grandma lived a long life raising their mom just like you are raising them. It will be a very long time until we die etc. Tell them it does not hurt and grandma was very sick and hurt and she is not now. The funeral home should have a few books you can borrow to read to them, or a pamphlet to help you out.

 

PM with any other questions.

[twiley]

all i can say is, be honest about it...

That's how my parents were when my grandmother died when I was 6. They were very honest and told me leading up to her death that my grandmother was very sick and uncomfortable. They said that eventually she would close her eyes and find peace. I asked them if I would ever get to see her again and they told me every time I close my eyes and thought about her she would be there with me.

[Savage Beatings]

I think that there is a natural reverence and understanding in humans (or maybe most animals) when it comes to death... it's a just a matter of how we nurture that natural reverence that is the key. This last Summer my Grandmother passed away. My 3 year old Son was so profoundly resepectful at the funeral that it was the trigger that got me to really let loose and start crying. We had him (and each of the other Great-Grandchildren) walk up and place a flower at the foot of her casket. Wow! Very moving... and also a great way to get the kids involved in a way that can help them to process that something very important has happened.

 

I think that you should give them a lot of credit in being able to understand what is happening... it might really surprise you just how much they understand it all. I would suggest not using too many metaphors or couched terms. And let them know how sad you and your wife are about the situation, and that your saddness is totally ok.

[whomper]

That's how my parents were when my grandmother died when I was 6. They were very honest and told me leading up to her death that my grandmother was very sick and uncomfortable. They said that eventually she would close her eyes and find peace. I asked them if I would ever get to see her again and they told me every time I close my eyes and thought about her she would be there with me.

 

Thanks for sharing that..That hit home. Thanks so much to everyone for sharing experiences and opinions. It is always helpful to see things from different point of views. You people are great

[Yukon Cornelius]

That's how my parents were when my grandmother died when I was 6. They were very honest and told me leading up to her death that my grandmother was very sick and uncomfortable. They said that eventually she would close her eyes and find peace. I asked them if I would ever get to see her again and they told me every time I close my eyes and thought about her she would be there with me.

excellent

[untateve]

It's also worth getting an understanding of what your children feel death is. Parents, and adults in general, tend to over explain or offer too much info to kids. I'm not saying lie or hide things from them, but don't give them more than they can understand and confuse them.

 

I would find out what the children's understanding of death is. If it seems appropriate (e.g., when you die, you go to heaven), leave it at that. Explain that grandma is very sick and there is a good chance that she will soon die [don't necessarily use the word die. rather, use the words your child did when explaining death].

 

Answer every question your children answers, but do so simply. If she needs more info, she'll ask.

 

Finally, there is no "absolutely" when it comes to a child attending a wake/funeral. What may work for one child, may not for another. You know your children--you determine if they can handle it. However, don't make the decision based on your own fears--if you think your child can handle it, let her go.

[Cameltosis]

I dont have kids and you certainly know how your kids handle/'understand things better than anyone. However, my Grandpa passed when I was roughly 4ish. He had Alzheimers and it was difficult for me to understand. I dont remember all of it but I do remember the funeral. I dont know how much added stress I gave my parents but I am very glad I have that memory.

[BeeR]

I was also curious if you children attended the Viewing/ funeral services for the deceased. At my kids age right now I seriously doubt I want them there because I dont know how they will handle seeing her like that. Then again I am always open to opinions. Thanks for listening and for your support in the other thread.

Personally I think it was a lot easier as a kid, and it's precisely because you don't really "get it."

 

Best of luck and hopes that this will be moot point.

 

I once heard it compared to a caterpillar/butterfly thing. ie when it spins it's cocoon it looks kinda like it's dying, but really it's turning into something way more beautiful - that's kind of how the transition from this life to the afterlife is. FWIW

[Footballjoe]

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

Be sure to tell them the truth but keep it simple. You will probably have to explain the situation to them many times. They may ask questions, if they do answer them again truthfully. Do not go into long explanations. It will take time but they will put the pieces together. Your 2 year old will probably not remember much after a while but your 4 year old may ask questions for quite some time.

[irish]

That's how my parents were when my grandmother died when I was 6. They were very honest and told me leading up to her death that my grandmother was very sick and uncomfortable. They said that eventually she would close her eyes and find peace. I asked them if I would ever get to see her again and they told me every time I close my eyes and thought about her she would be there with me.

 

Absolutely perfect way to put it. This is also how it was explained to me in a round about way. I gotta hand it to you Twiley, you hit this one right on the head. Good luck Whomp. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

[Thews40]

Thoughts and prayers to your family Whomper. You can't shield them from pain, though as parents we try. I'd just tell them the truth.

[Czarina]

Whomp, I'm so sorry. This is difficult for everyone, moreso because you're worried for your kids.

 

When my FIL died, both my boys attended the funeral because I felt they needed to have some part in the process. We didn't take them to the cemetary, however. They were 4 and 8 at the time. My 8 year old cried (quietly) all the way through, which was tough for everyone around him. That church music really does it to you. The little guy was very sad too, but he's more stoic anyway.

 

The had known that Papa was sick for a few weeks and that their dad was away a lot going to the hospital. When he died, IIRC what we told them is that Papa was just too sick to be able to get better.

 

ITA with unta who says that we tend to over explain things to kids. Your 4 year old probably isn't ready to "get" the permanency of this. The 7 year old likely will. Be simple and direct. Don't use flowery euphemisms because they may misunderstand it.

[tonyr0802]

Whomp my sympathy is with you and your family. Just last year I lost my grandmother, my daughter was 9. My grandmother and my daughter were very close. While she was in the hospital she wasn't conscience so I chose not to bring my daughter there to see it, no reason to have that image being the last my daughter remembers of her. When she did pass I was very up front with my daughter about what had happened and explained how she was in a better place now and not in the pain she had lived in any more. I gave her the choice of coming or not coming to the viewing and in the end she chose to come for a short period but did not want to go up to the casket.

[fballfreak]

Sorry to hear of your news Whomper, when my FIL passed on 2yrs ago my kids were 5 and 8 they were really close to him went to visit him twice a week etc... We had to sit them down and explain to them about his illness and that he wasn't going to be around much longer this was about a week before he passed. It was tough for us and them but after a few tears and hugs they understood what was going on including the 5yr old. They both participated in the Wake to say their final goodbyes which was another tough day on both of them we opted to not bring them to the funeral. Just be as straightforward with them as you can they'll understand.