Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I know I'm opening myself on this one, but dangit, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and am in pretty good shape at 44yrs old. We have a family membership at the YMCA and I'm the only one who ever uses it, 'cept for the kids basketball/football/soccer type stuff. The wife has put on about 20-25 extra pounds and it bothers me. Call me a pig, but it does, and yes, she knows it does. I know she could lose some if not all of it if she'd just bother to work out - with me or on her own schedule. Whaddya do in situation like this? I can't help the way I feel, and I'm sorry, but I do feel like the physical connection is every bit as important the emotional, intellectual, and the other components to a happy, healthy marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duchess Jack Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I can see wanting her to do it for health reasons. Beyond that - I think that there is an obligation to keep the other half of the relationship horney. Now - if you were into her no matter what, she has nothing to worry about, but if this is an issue for you, then she might need to at least try. Some questions though... Did you just spring this upon her? I only ask because if you hadn't said anything as those pounds were being put on than it might have given her the wrong impression and she might have to work harder now needlessly. Does she have as easy an option to do this as yourself (work, kids, chores, etc)? Do you work out for you or her? I ask this, because if this is a 'hobby of yours' or something you like to do, than it is easier for you to fit it in and we're compairing apples to oranges. If she said something about you turned her off - does not have to be physical, could be something about you personally - that would not be an easy change for you - heck it more than likely would be something that you don't understand or agree with 100% - would you do it for her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 I can see wanting her to do it for health reasons. Beyond that - I think that there is an obligation to keep the other half of the relationship horney. Now - if you were into her no matter what, she has nothing to worry about, but if this is an issue for you, then she might need to at least try. Some questions though... Did you just spring this upon her? I only ask because if you hadn't said anything as those pounds were being put on than it might have given her the wrong impression and she might have to work harder now needlessly. It did not just spring up - I've been encouraging to go the Y for a couple years now. Does she have as easy an option to do this as yourself (work, kids, chores, etc)? She has ample opportunity. Probably moreso. She's a teacher. And the Y has a 'kid's watch" program (it's free) where you an drop the kids off for two hours at a time right on site whene you can work out. Do you work out for you or her? I ask this, because if this is a 'hobby of yours' or something you like to do, than it is easier for you to fit it in and we're compairing apples to oranges. I don't work out for her. I work out for me. A factoid I didn't mention is that about 3-4 yrs ago, I decided I was getting a bit beefier than I liked and I dropped about 35lbs and about 15% body fat. The whole time I was encouraging her to join me. If she said something about you turned her off - does not have to be physical, could be something about you personally - that would not be an easy change for you - heck it more than likely would be something that you don't understand or agree with 100% - would you do it for her? A vague answer, but I would guess it depends on what it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackass Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I know I'm opening myself on this one, but dangit, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and am in pretty good shape at 44yrs old. We have a family membership at the YMCA and I'm the only one who ever uses it, 'cept for the kids basketball/football/soccer type stuff. The wife has put on about 20-25 extra pounds and it bothers me. Call me a pig, but it does, and yes, she knows it does. I know she could lose some if not all of it if she'd just bother to work out - with me or on her own schedule. Whaddya do in situation like this? I can't help the way I feel, and I'm sorry, but I do feel like the physical connection is every bit as important the emotional, intellectual, and the other components to a happy, healthy marriage. You should've put something in the pre-nup along the lines of "if you gain xx weight, it is automatic grounds for divorce". Nothing you can do about it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Absolutely not. I agree that the physical connection is every bit as important as the emotional, intellectual, and the other components to a happy, healthy marriage. I think everyone goes through similar emotions when it comes to their wife/husband/S.O in regard to weight and many other issues. I think you also feel more strongly about it because you take the time out and put in the effort to stay in reasonably good shape and seeing that she hasn't done the same, might bother you moreso not only because of her appearance but because you know what you go through to keep the weight off and be in shape and know she isn't working as hard (or at all) to do so. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and things do change and it's like anything else in life, we wish and yearn to have the good ol' days back. No matter how close you are with her, there's no question that discussing this with her is a sore subject, even if driven from a health perspective. Life is very busy for her I'm sure, not that it isn't for you but she, like many out there, probably much rather relax with any free time she has versus go bust her ass working out (especially if she has very little will power). In the end, that's why it's so important to have a powerful connection to the "person" that you decided to spend the rest of your life with, because eventually, regardless of what exercise you've done and still might do, we all get old and lose our looks and ability to be in our best shape and the special person that still resides inside the one you've chosen, is all that will matter. However, at around 44 or so, it's much too early to mail it in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 That sounds like a tough sale. No real easy way to bring it up without making her defensive. Lord knows most women have body issues as is so I'd tread lightly. You could try the health angle. Tell her you want her to be around forever and you worry about her health. Might be worth a shot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 That sounds like a tough sale. No real easy way to bring it up without making her defensive. Lord knows most women have body issues as is so I'd tread lightly. You could try the health angle. Tell her you want her to be around forever and you worry about her health. Might be worth a shot. I hear ya, but I don't have much of a leg to stand on from the health angle. I've been known to smoke pot now and again and cigarettes when I drink. So who am I to play the "health card"? I'd rather tactfully play the "you looked great when we met - what happened?" card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'd rather tactfully play the "you looked great when we met - what happened?" card. Tactfully? Let us know how that one pans out when you try it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 from now on, when she asks if she looks fat in that dress or jeans...........just answer YES Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I'd rather tactfully play the "you looked great when we met - what happened?" card. Not a good way to approach IMO, unless you're looking to eliminate the problem altogether by way of divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I can see wanting her to do it for health reasons. This is your only way to sell her on losing weight. imo. That you're concerned for her well being. "Gee Hon, you've really put on a few extra pounds lately." Don't try this at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 (edited) Tactfully? Let us know how that one pans out when you try it. Ya, I know. That was more or less a joke. But I was going through some old pics a few weeks ago and did come across one that I called her attention to and I said - "now that's what I'm talkin' about." Very hot, at least to me. Edited July 28, 2009 by Cunning Runt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Tactfully? Let us know how that one pans out when you try it. Seriously, there is NO WAY that one will go over well. You said it yourself...you want your wife to lose weight and she knows it. She still does nothing about it. Perhaps you should try asking her what changes she would want you to make and you come off as someone who is willing to make changes also. That may spur her into action. Tell her you'll make the requested changes if she starts going to the gym. Do it together. Aside from that, and not knowing your wife, there may not be any changes coming... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Offer to take her to a salad bar instead of MC and D once in awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 My wife and I have seen each other gain and lose a lot of weight over the 15 years we have been together. When we met my wife was thin. When we got engaged she was heavy. She loves the fact that i asked her to marry me at her heaviest point after knowing her when she was thin. Between the engagement and the wedding she lost all the weight and we got married she was at her fighting weight. In the 11 years we are married we have both gained and lost a bunch of times. In March of 2008 I started a diet. I was 310 lbs. I was 240 when i met her. In the full amount of time we have been together she never ever once complained about my weight. Last year I lost 75 lbs. I have kept it off by changing my eating habits and working out . I have maintained a weight of 235-240 for the past 7 months. My wife is heavy right now. She gets very focused when she does do a diet that sticks and can lose any excess weight she has. She has been trying but seems to fall off the wagon. She lost her mom last year and was devestated and has made great strides to break the depression she was in. I never in our relationship have ever complained about her weight and she has never complained about mine. That is just the way it works for us. She will lose weight when she is ready. We are still very attracted to each other and enjoy an active life in the sack. CR, you cant help the way you feel and you stand by that fact although sometimes it is perceived as an unpopular stance . She will lose it when she is ready. Supporting her will make it happen in the long run. Forcing her may bring resentment (just my opinion) You arent alone in feeling that way. Some couples lay emphasis on that . It is what it is and you cant help the way you feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 This is your only way to sell her on losing weight. imo. That you're concerned for her well being. "Gee Hon, you've really put on a few extra pounds lately." Don't try this at home. It's important to note that she's still not a fat-ass by any means. My friends think she looks great. She's 5' 1" tall and weighed probably 100-105 when we first started going out. She's probably looking at 125-130 lbs now. So not what I'd call fat. If I saw her out and about and didn't know her. She would fall into the "yes, I would" column for sure. Just that she used to be in the "hell yes" column. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted July 28, 2009 Author Share Posted July 28, 2009 My wife and I have seen each other gain and lose a lot of weight over the 15 years we have been together. When we met my wife was thin. When we got engaged she was heavy. She loves the fact that i asked her to marry me at her heaviest point after knowing her when she was thin. Between the engagement and the wedding she lost all the weight and we got married she was at her fighting weight. In the 11 years we are married we have both gained and lost a bunch of times. In March of 2008 I started a diet. I was 310 lbs. I was 240 when i met her. In the full amount of time we have been together she never ever once complained about my weight. Last year I lost 75 lbs. I have kept it off by changing my eating habits and working out . I have maintained a weight of 235-240 for the past 7 months. My wife is heavy right now. She gets very focused when she does do a diet that sticks and can lose any excess weight she has. She has been trying but seems to fall off the wagon. She lost her mom last year and was devestated and has made great strides to break the depression she was in. I never in our relationship have ever complained about her weight and she has never complained about mine. That is just the way it works for us. She will lose weight when she is ready. We are still very attracted to each other and enjoy an active life in the sack. CR, you cant help the way you feel and you stand by that fact although sometimes it is perceived as an unpopular stance . She will lose it when she is ready. Supporting her will make it happen in the long run. Forcing her may bring resentment (just my opinion) You arent alone in feeling that way. Some couples lay emphasis on that . It is what it is and you cant help the way you feel. Good stuff. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 this is the problem........diets do not work. you need a lifestyle change, permanent. diets come and go and so will weight unless the workouts and eating right become permanent in your lifestyle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hat Trick Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 (edited) CR, you cant help the way you feel and you stand by that fact although sometimes it is perceived as an unpopular stance . She will lose it when she is ready. Supporting her will make it happen in the long run. Forcing her may bring resentment (just my opinion) You arent alone in feeling that way. Some couples lay emphasis on that . It is what it is and you cant help the way you feel. This is good advice, make subtle hints how it would improve the relationship if she spent time with you at the gym etc. Edited July 28, 2009 by Hat Trick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 It is well established that there is no known way for a man to speak to a woman about her weight with it becoming messy. Very messy. The answer is to not talk to her about it, but to do something about it yourself. How about getting her interested in a hobby that promotes physical exercise. However, you can't just say, "Hey hon, why don't you go run your ass around the block a coupla times?". Instead, you should make it a hobby that you can both engage in and you should sell it to her as something you can do to spend more time together. Something like bike riding or kayaking, perhaps even just taking evening walks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 more cushion for pushin' ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muck Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 My wife is frustrated about her wardrobe. Why? She's frustrated about losing the final 10lbs or so after having had our 4th kid 4 months ago. And, she knows that I'm not forking out money for a bunch of new stuff that won't fit in 3-6 months. Why do I know that they won't fit in 3-6 months? Because she loses the weight she wants to by 8-10 months after birth and our youngest guy is 4.5 months old now. While I'm not worried about it, I have also had the same thought ... how can I encourage my wife to lose the final 10lbs to get to where she wants to be a little faster than she normally is? I've decided that with breastfeeding our youngest, plus chasing the other three all day, she'll drop it when her body is ready to drop it. ...sorry for the slight hijack...just empathizing with you a little about the whole "how can I get my wife to drop a couple of pounds" thing... NOTE: Another thing to do is to tell her something you'd like to change about yourself, and that you'd like to ask her to keep you accountable for doing it. Maybe its something like, you'd like to learn a foreign language or to read more books, or to learn to cook (wild game? Asian food? etc) ... or whatever. And, ask her if there is anything she'd like you to help her keep accountability for, and the hope she mentions her weight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polksalet Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Same issue here. Let me give some ideas you should not use. Do not go into Wal-Mart and throw a 40 pound bag of deer corn into the buggy and say "here is you some snacks" Do not use the line "for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clubfoothead Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Wrong and stupid aren't the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polksalet Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 On a more serious note I have gotten back into bodybuilding and she is beginning to fall in line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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