Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) Here's the background: We've been divorced now for 15years and in that time, I never missed a child support payment. Our son just entered Purdue as a freshman and I told my wife back in June that once he starts college, I'm done with child support but I'll pay for half his college and half his expenses even though technically, I'm supposed to pay child support through 21yrs old but I have no legal obligation towards paying for college. The college costs a helluva lot more than any child support. A lot more. She was ok with the arrangement. For spending money in college we agreed to each contribute $100 per month for a total of $200 he has at his disposal. That's on top of the 1/2 for college and an even split so I thought that's fair. Fast forward to today when she sends me a line item spreadsheet showing everything that she's paid and everything that I've paid. In the "spending money" tab, she has the $100 we both contributed to the account we fund for him, but also an extra hundred in cash she slipped him when we dropped him off at college and another $50 in cash she gave him over the weekend. I responded that I I'm sure I'll slide him some cash now and then also, but that I didn't expect to see something like that show up on a spreadsheet. So then she calls and starts in on me for being a cheapskate and very angrily says " just pay me the support again 'cause I'm not going to bicker over everything I spend money on". I said, "that's not happening, but if you're so adamant, take me to court". I'll pay the support 'cause the decree says I'm legally obliagted to (but the courts will not interfere if the two parties have amicably worked everything out). But me paying support will come at the expense of me paying for 1/2 his college. I won't do both. I want to pay for half his college and half his expenses, including a reasonable allowance. That's what I want to do. They're well off and she leads a very nice lifestyle. She's used to spoiling my son terribly. He's never worked. Had a car given to him. He's getting a college education given to him. You get the drift. For my part, I believe one of the things he needs to learn at college is how to make do on less. Get a job for his spending money. I haven't not worked since I was 16 and that includes all during college. She's blows up and calls me cheap, yells at me that I don't respect him, I treat him like sh----t and all this stuff. Sooo not true. I do have a different parenting style. She likes to spoil him. I think he needs to work for things harder than he does. To her, that equates to me being cheap 'cause money is not an issue to her. I say "how dare you say I treat my son like sh----t and that I don't respect him". She just keeps yelling at me. After listening to her just rip me for disagreeing with her on how I should parent my son, I finally I end the call with a loud F U and hung up. The surprising thing is that we actually get (or should I say "got) along really well. I just think it really bugs her that she's not getting a check from me every month anymore and now I finally have some input on money issues where our son is concerned and she hates it. I'm absolutely stunned by what a b-tch she really is when she doesn't get her way and expecially when it involves money. I'm holding my ground on this. I'm disappointed she thinks that me paying for half his college and expenses and my contributing a $100/mo allowance is me being cheap with our son. Most people would say he's getting spolied tremendously already. She's always been about the money and her true colors really showed today. But most imnportantly, I do not want my son to think life is this easy. He needs to grow up and with his mom showering him with everything, he'll never learn that. I can't undo how he was raised (spoiled). He's a good kid. Good grades, never got in any trouble. Good athlete - all that stuff, but very immature and not the best work ethic. It's my hope that being away at college will help him learn these life lessons. I can guarantee you he'd have a much better work ethic and appreciation of money had he been with me the whole time growing up. I needed to vent. Sorry for rambling on and boring you with my life. Edited August 29, 2011 by Cunning Runt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaP'N GRuNGe Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 You should meet face to face and try work through your issues. May I suggest an evening at TGI Fridays? Show you care by ordering for her and go with the burger and fries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 You should meet face to face and try work through your issues. May I suggest an evening at TGI Fridays? Show you care by ordering for her and go with the burger and fries. I'm a dummy, 'cause I have no idea what this means. Even as a joke. I'm not getting it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rajncajn Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'm a dummy, 'cause I have no idea what this means. Even as a joke. I'm not getting it. http://forums.thehuddle.com/index.php?showtopic=358203 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'd start recording them phone calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuke'em ttg Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 ventin is good, best of luck to you dealing with this, talkin ta lawyers sometimes is worth the chips to, hang tough Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'd start recording them phone calls. I would really hope it didn't digress to that point and that she pulls her head outta her ass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaP'N GRuNGe Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'd start recording them phone calls. She probably is. I hope you are keeping your inner Alec Baldwin in check. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 She probably is. I hope you are keeping your inner Alec Baldwin in check. I would hope that she is. She's off-base and anyone listening would, I think, come to that conclusion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billay Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Does she have any other children? It sounds to me like she is not dealing with your son's departure to college well and she's trying to take it out on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 seems easy to fix. pay the child support because its required and that clears up any legal ramifications. you can't choose what you want to pay for, the court chooses, so satisfy this requirement. then calculate how much more it would be to pay for half the college expenses (since you said it was more), and send a separate check for this, designated it to help pay for college. then, when you are with him, slip him whatever you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'd cover your bases by paying the support. The Gubment likes nothing more than to crack down on people that don't pay it. Ask your ex what she expects you to do. Pay support and College? Let her know that the matching benefit arrangement that she's PO'd about is off the table. If the ex wants to hand over funds to the kid, you are not obligated to match it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muck Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I concur with many: 1) Estimate the annual cost (room, board, books, tuition, +$100 extra / month) 2) Divide it by 12 3) Stick this amount of money in a seprate account each month. 4) Out of this account, pay the child support. 5) Deduct the amount paid for child support 6) Contact Purdue to see if you can make occasional payments towards your son's tuition bill as you and your ex-wife are having disagreements as to who pays what and you don't want it to negatively affect your son's ability to stay at Purdue. They will probably say that they're fine with it. 7) Mail the amount you're sticking in the separate account to Purdue. This way its very easy to document should your son or your ex-wife ever start bitching that you're not "doing your fair share". 8) Mail a copy of the check to your ex-wife with a note telling her to figure out the accounting on her end and that you're done f'ing around with her and her nonsense. 9) Tell your son what you're doing and tell him to tell you if the costs are more/less than you've estimated them to be (i.e., if he signs up for a fraternity, is that part of your deal w/ him and your ex-wife ... what about extra lab fees for science classes, studio fees for art and architecture, etc.). Maybe even sit down with him at the end of each semester to run through the financials to make sure he learns a life lesson and that you're not inadvertently paying more than you thought you were agreeing to pay. Good luck to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayItAintSoJoe Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 seems easy to fix. pay the child support because its required and that clears up any legal ramifications. you can't choose what you want to pay for, the court chooses, so satisfy this requirement. then calculate how much more it would be to pay for half the college expenses (since you said it was more), and send a separate check for this, designated it to help pay for college. then, when you are with him, slip him whatever you want. This. Except I would deduct the amount I'm giving as child support from the 1/2 I'm paying on college expenses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowboyGal2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I am surprised she had to ask. As the man and father you have a responsibility to take care of your brood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) Does she have any other children? It sounds to me like she is not dealing with your son's departure to college well and she's trying to take it out on you. I think this is some of it. She definitely cried about her son leaving. Se has two others. So do I. But I think the true crux of it is that she is just obsessed with money and it kills her that she no longer has control. She'll cave. I do not plan on paying child support, but rather for half his college where it's my son that derives the benefit, and not her. She either caves or I go to court. I'm done playing by her rules. I've done that for 15 years and no more. I've basically had it with her after this latest episode. Edited August 29, 2011 by Cunning Runt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I hope you have your current agreement with her in writing somewhere. I'm pretty sure that even after he turns 21, if she can show that you did not pay child support for 3 years, that she could totally screw you out of more money even after you just spent 3 years paying for half of his college expenses. Given the turn this has taken, I would be VERY careful about how you proceed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief Dick Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 She either caves or I go to court. I'm done playing by her rules. I've done that for 15 years and no more. I've basically had it with her after this latest episode. Except for the fact that the original agreement says you pay child support until he's 21. Look, I commend you for paying for his college education. And even if she agreed to the revised arrangement, legally she can hang you by the sack if you don't pay the monthly child support. At the end of the day, don't fight her. Pay the child support. Pay the balance of what you committed for his education to him and his school. And don't talk to her about it again to save your sanity. This just isn't worth the fight. (Been through this as a son of divorced parents, so I've seen this battle loud and clear) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Except for the fact that the original agreement says you pay child support until he's 21. Look, I commend you for paying for his college education. And even if she agreed to the revised arrangement, legally she can hang you by the sack if you don't pay the monthly child support. At the end of the day, don't fight her. Pay the child support. Pay the balance of what you committed for his education to him and his school. And don't talk to her about it again to save your sanity. This just isn't worth the fight. (Been through this as a son of divorced parents, so I've seen this battle loud and clear) This is a fight I'm williing to have. I've actually wanted this fight for 15 years. I've stepped up to the plate time and time again and feel I've stepped up to the plate yet again by agreeing to pay for half his college - in addition to the $100k plus tax free I've given her over the years - in addition to him having everything he could want at my house (his own room which I spent thousands to build in the basement, TV, video game system/games, clothes, shoes, all of it). I always wanted him to feel at home here and not at "dad's house for the weekend". I am just plain fed up by her f'ng greed and I welcome the fight. I don't think it'll get there once she realizes I'm serious.But if it does, there are many things I would look forward to saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 i grabbed the wife's backup a week ago in case she goes down. she'll be playing from behind and will be highly utilized in the second half of the fight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 i grabbed the wife's backup a week ago in case she goes down. she'll be playing from behind and will be highly utilized in the second half of the fight. Great - now my mistress is part of this. Thanks for nothing Bier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) on a more sincere note. i think muck offered some very good advice on how to handle it and i wish you luck with how this turns out. Edited August 29, 2011 by Bier Meister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donutrun Jellies Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 HOw about telling your son that the law requires him to pay support; that you're happy and honored to pay the support; that you have no choice but to send the money to his mom, per the law; and that you'll pay for half of his college; but that it's really an accounting issue. If his mom fails to pay half plus your support, your son will know that it ain't your fault. He's old enough to understand the logistics. This sounds reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
millerx Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Damn, Cunning Runt, sounds like she is a Cucking Funt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunning Runt Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) HOw about telling your son that the law requires him to pay support; that you're happy and honored to pay the support; that you have no choice but to send the money to his mom, per the law; and that you'll pay for half of his college; but that it's really an accounting issue. If his mom fails to pay half plus your support, your son will know that it ain't your fault. He's old enough to understand the logistics. Him understanding why his college isn't getting paid for is pointless. I don't care if he understands the logisitics of why not. I want him to get his college education and I want to pay half of it. What set her off is that I questioned why she would tack on the extra money she gave him above and beyond what we agreed would be his "spending money" allowance and that I didn't think that extra money should be part of the "halfsies" understanding we have for the whole college and expenses thing. If she wants to give him extra money, that's on her in my book. I happen to think it's a mistake to just keep giving him money just because you can afford it. I disagreed with her giving him money and most certainly disagreed with her expecting me to pay half of that. I know there will be times I slide him some money and I wouldn't have even thought to expect her to pay for half of something we never discussed. I called my son pretty much right after the call and asked him if $50/week was an amount he could live with. If it legitimately was a stretch (his meal ticket is only 12 meals/week 'cause he doesn't ever eat breakfast) I wanted to know. I realize a college kid wants a few bucks in his wallet, so if $50/week was light, then let's figure out what a good number is. Anyway, he says to me exactly what I thought and why I thought it was a mistake to give him more money. He said "I can get by on $30 a week, but if you give me $200 a week, I'm gonna spend $200 a week. If you give me $50, I'll get by on $50". And why not? If mom and dad are just going to give him money, why not spend it. He told me he took the $100 my ex gave him when we dropped him off at school on a pair of sweats and a couple t-shirts. My intention for "spending money" was for maybe a couple pizzas, a movie, go bowling, stuff like that. Not clothes that he buys 'cause he's flush with cash burning a hole in his pocket. I'm still pissed 8 hours later. Edited August 30, 2011 by Cunning Runt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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