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piratesownninjas

Divorce

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So sorry to hear this PON. Just remember the lawyer works FOR you. Lawyers tend to ratchet up the animosity while trying to get their client the "best deal." If it doesn't have to get that ugly..don't let it!

 

With your son only being so young, you have some unique challenges in all this. I'd encourage you to maybe think outside the box a little if possible. It really doesn't do any good for the child if both parents have to work so much to keep separate residences that your son would be in daycare more than with a parent. So a 50/50, one week on, one week off wouldn't really work very well at this time in his life, IMO. Fight for the 50/50 joint custody...absolutely! But it sounds like in your line of business, Thursdays thru Saturdays are probably very busy. Since he's still a toddler and not in school, think about suggesting maybe Sunday nights through Weds. or something like that.

 

I don't expect your wife will want to live with her parents indefinitely. So take a page from KevinL and plan for further down the road. What if in 3 or 4 years either of you gets a job offer in another state? Or a transfer? None of us know where life will take us in the next 16 years up front, but leave room for negotiations and some absolutes. You want to be a part of your son's life. That can't happen if a judge decrees she can move out of state and take your son with her.

 

As unfair as I think it is, be prepared to get screwed in the courts, PON. Judges still tend to skimp on father's rights, especially with young children. Being the breadwinner, they'll try to make you pay alimony AND child support, even if they grant 50/50 joint custody. And especially because he's the age that he is, needing 24 hour supervision and not in school yet. It sucks. I never understood how 50/50 translates to 50/50+alimony+child support.

 

Take the high ground....yes....just have a little foresight and don't let yourself get screwed either. She's moved into her parents' home for now...it's also important to keep a fairly good relationship with them. They can make your life hell, even if she doesn't. Realistically they are NEVER going to take your side over hers....but maybe there doesn't have to be sides. Always think of the child. Sounds like you do even now.

 

This just sucks...I'm so sorry you are going through it. :wacko:

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sorry to hear this, man. hang in there, and know there are folks here you can lean on. like sarge :wacko:

 

I agree with the advice to get a lawyer on your side asap, but whoever you bring on should be made perfectly aware that he is there so you don't overlook anything and to talk you through the ramifications of each possible step, not necessarily to begin putting the screws to her. maybe he even lurks in the background for a while. if the time to start putting the screws comes, it will be apparent and you will be prepared. I guess the old advice, hope for the best, prepare for the worst is applicable. cliaz' bit about putting the kid's interests above everything else is spot on -- that is the moral imperative that can be your beacon through all of this upheaval and uncertainty.

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Being the breadwinner, they'll try to make you pay alimony AND child support, even if they grant 50/50 joint custody.

 

No alimony in Texas.

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Lawyers tend to ratchet up the animosity while trying to get their client the "best deal."

 

This is bullsh*t Bunz.

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This is bullsh*t Bunz.

That's your opinion, Furd. I lived through my parents' divorce and a few friends' divorces. In hearing both sides, they were sort of on the same page, until the lawyers got involved and started playing dirty.

 

I don't have anything against lawyers hun....so don't think I'm coming at this from that point of view. :wacko:

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In hearing both sides, they were sort of on the same page, until the lawyers got involved and started playing dirty.

 

maybe it wouldn't hurt furd's delicate sensibilities as much if you said "getting lawyers involved tends to ratchet up the animosity". both sides probably tend to get more defensive and adversarial when they know the other has lawyered up.

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I went through this 6 years ago, and brother, you are in for a long road. I'm sorry. We did not use lawyers, so just know that it can be done as long as you and her can set emotions aside and just agree on the best situation for the kid. I got the 50/50 joint custody also, but having to move out into an apartment and cover another set of bills forced me to take a second job during the weeknights, which cut into my time with the kids.

 

Life goes on, and you will learn to adjust. Right now is the hardest part, but it will get easier in time.

 

Best of luck.

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maybe it wouldn't hurt furd's delicate sensibilities as much if you said "getting lawyers involved tends to ratchet up the animosity". both sides probably tend to get more defensive and adversarial when they know the other has lawyered up.

Things only get crazy if the clients let it get crazy. But lawyers can certainly facilitate their client's craziness.

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A big +1 on that one. To say my mom threw my dad under the bus would be an understatement. Now, granted, he didn't pay court-ordered child support and did move 900 miles away when I was in the 4th grade, giving up weekly visitation, but still. All I ever heard was what a loser he was, and that sticks in your head. Might have been better for me to come to that conclusion on my own, which I have.

 

I have a good friend who divorced his wife about 14 years ago, when their son was 2. He was able to get half custody. I will say that he is one of the best fathers I know. All that mattered to him was the well-being of his son, and when his ex did things that pissed him off, it would've been easy to bash her in front of his son, but he took the high road. The son is 16 now, and has come to realize how controlling and manipulative his mom has been. He is much closer to his dad, who always tried to do what was right for his son, even if it wasn't easy. In the long term, it paid off.

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This is bullsh*t Bunz.

No it's not and you know it. Lawyers are one of the biggest problems with divorce and custody cases. There may be a few genuine caring ones that specialize in divorce, but that VAST majority are not helpful to the overall well being of ALL involved. Please don't act like that is not true.

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Also wanted to add that the first couple years of being a parent is very stressful on the marriage. Don't know your circumstances but don't give up hope on the marriage working out.

having twins, my wife joined a multiples group, after 8 years we are the only ones that are still together and we were the only one with a special needs child .

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Sorry to hear it, PON. Lemme know if you need to blow off some steam and head south.

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No it's not and you know it. Lawyers are one of the biggest problems with divorce and custody cases. There may be a few genuine caring ones that specialize in divorce, but that VAST majority are not helpful to the overall well being of ALL involved. Please don't act like that is not true.

 

Nice. Please tell me what you do for a living so I can make a broad, ignorant generality about your profession.

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Nice. Please tell me what you do for a living so I can make a broad, ignorant generality about your profession.

[/quote

 

He is the head football coach for Ole Miss.

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He is the head football coach for Ole Miss.

:wacko: Pitt fan.

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Sorry to hear PON. Divorce can be a messy beast. I hope you both come out of this amicably.

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I met up with the wife to discuss the next few months. We've decided to seperate, and over the next 3-4 months see if we can be friends again and if we want to try and make it work, or if we're all better off with a divorce. During that time I'll have my son every other weekend and Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday evenings with a couple of days here and there added in depending on whats going on with her.

The discussion didn't get emoitional and was Actually pretty civil.

 

 

Sorry to hear it, PON. Lemme know if you need to blow off some steam and head south.

I'll be in the neighborhood the last weekend of July.

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1. No matter how ugly and nasty it may get take the higher road and keep reminder her that a child is involved. I was three when my parents went through it and it scarred me emotionally for life. Make sure the both of you are in sync with this one and never, NEVER speak ill to the child about the other and vice versa. Now that sounds like pretty commonly known advice but you'd be surprised how easily body language and attitude transfer to a child in this type of situation. As horrible as it may be to swallow if the choices are her getting full custody verses a nasty, ugly divorce and both of you getting joint, take the higher road for the child's sake and work on it after the fact. A fathers first duty is to protect his children even at the expense of a father's own comfort.

 

My best for you during this time PON - I grew up with divorced parents (12) and cliaz hits it out of the park with this advice. Easy to lose sight of the fact of how much children absorb. I still vividly remember the he said/she said blame going on. The pettiness was not missed and there is no doubt I am closer to the parent who rose above it.

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<snip> ... and over the next 3-4 months see if we can be friends again and if we want to try and make it work ... <snip>

 

This is the best part of this whole thread.

 

Good luck to you. Do NOT forget, there was a reason you married this woman in the first place. And, there was a reason she married you.

 

Start small, be upbeat, and do some fun stuff together. Speaking as the father of four, its very easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day so much that you (and your wife) forget how to have fun together.

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I met up with the wife to discuss the next few months. We've decided to seperate, and over the next 3-4 months see if we can be friends again and if we want to try and make it work, or if we're all better off with a divorce. During that time I'll have my son every other weekend and Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday evenings with a couple of days here and there added in depending on whats going on with her.

The discussion didn't get emoitional and was Actually pretty civil.

 

 

 

I'll be in the neighborhood the last weekend of July.

First, sorry to hear. Next, FWIW, seems like a good approach you're taking and I sincerely hope it works out for you.

 

My best for you during this time PON - I grew up with divorced parents (12) and cliaz hits it out of the park with this advice. Easy to lose sight of the fact of how much children absorb. I still vividly remember the he said/she said blame going on. The pettiness was not missed and there is no doubt I am closer to the parent who rose above it.

Agreed.

 

I grew up with divorced parents and vivdly rememeber all the fighting and nastiness, too. Cant remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I remember a lot of the hostility all these years later. As Cliaz said and Mossy echoed, try your best to take the high road not let your boy get caught up in any crossfire. Easier said than done, but better in the long run.

 

Still hoping for you that it wont come to that.

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I met up with the wife to discuss the next few months. We've decided to seperate, and over the next 3-4 months see if we can be friends again and if we want to try and make it work, or if we're all better off with a divorce. During that time I'll have my son every other weekend and Tuesday afternoon through Wednesday evenings with a couple of days here and there added in depending on whats going on with her.

The discussion didn't get emoitional and was Actually pretty civil.

 

 

 

I'll be in the neighborhood the last weekend of July.

That's great news, given the circumstances.

 

A buddy of mine is - in perhaps a funny ironic twist of fate - having his bachelor party that weekend here in town and we'll be out seeing bands on Friday the 29th. You'd be more than welcome to join the festivities. I think you have my email. Lemme know what you have going on and perhaps we can meet up for a couple beers or something.

 

Best of luck with everything.

 

E2A: I pinged ya on Facebook.

Edited by darin3

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Ha... Just did a search on divorce and my own thread pops up. As it turns out, we just really don't get along.

We've been separated with my living in an apartment since July. I get my son every other weekend and on Tuesday nights as of right now.

Anyways, she calls a few times a day when I've got my son. I talked to her twice previously today, and she calls at 8:30 to check on our son. I tell her he's great, he's about to take a bath and get ready for bed time. She says she's sick and going to take some medicine and that she's going to bed, but to send me a picture of him. I take a picture on my phone of him playing and I send it. I then leave my phone in the living room to charge.

He takes a bath, and then I get him ready for bed. He watches Caillou before bed, and then falls asleep. That puts it at 9:40ish... I fall asleep for 30 minutes or so, then I wake up to get some stuff done in the kitchen. As I walk past my phone I see the screen is lit up... Four missed calls, 5 texts, and a voicemail I've yet to listen to, although I'm sure it's 100% class.

 

She texts me saying that I lie about saying I'd send a picture and that I don't answer the phone when she calls. She also reminds me of what time I'm going to drop my son off this Sunday, and that if I'm a minute late that she'll call the cops.

 

I call her, explain to her the situation about not answering the phone as she said she was going to sleep and that I was giving our son a bath and getting him to go to bed. She freaks out about me not sending the picture... I check my phone and all four pictures had message delivery failures. She says I'm lying, so I take a screen picture of the failed messages.

 

At this point I told her that I was no longer willing to take a wait and see approach with the separation, and that I could no longer put my life on hold. I also told her that I couldn't deal with the drama and anger anymore. I then said that we need to start the process of said divorce, which leads me to my question...

 

We'd like to figure as much out as we can without the aid of lawyers or anyone else, if possible. I'm searching and I'm seeing the

Texas uncontested divorce.

It says that Texas permits a no-fault divorce when the marriage has become insupportable because of conflict of personalities that has destroyed the legitimate ends of the marriage relationship and prevents any reasonable expectation of reconciliation.

That sums it up pretty well...

 

Does it make any difference who files/serves the other?

 

Is child support decided by an overseeing judge, worked out through the parents, or is there a state guideline that states you pay a % of your income?

 

Half custody? Joint custody? What's the difference? While my sons mother and I don't get along, she is a great mom to him. It's also me belief that little kids need moms. For the greater purpose I would be ok with my son spending a larger % of the time with his mom, although I'd like it to be as close to 50/50 as possible.

 

I don't know, I think I have so many questions I may need a lawyer so I understand all of this crazyness and any ramifications.

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PON I am very sorry to hear this and wish nothing but the best for you and your family. This brings me back 10 years and is almost identical in everything you have described how my seperation divorce and beginning of the process went. My ex was very much on par with how your wife is responding and reacting to situations. It is very difficult to deal with but always try your hardest to remember it is your sons mom and never talk ill of her in his presents. It will be so important in the long run for his development and overall demeanor to not be a yoyo in a bunch of arguments. My ex and I did not have lawyers involved and figured it all out on our own and still have the same custody to this day with my boys (17 & 13) of I have Wednesday and Thursday she has Monday and Tuesday and we switch off every Friday Saturday and Sunday. It is a 50/50 that worked well for us and we actually used it from a couple we had been friends with that got a divorce and used the same plan. As far as the laws where you live I don't know how they differ from Cali but what I found out the hard way was everytime you made an inquiry into something with social services regardless of it was about Child support or alimony they would make it about that and ask a million questions AGAIN as to if you want to file a complaint or who has custody etc. etc. This caused alot of problems in the beginning for us because she would think the worst when she would receive something from them saying I had inquired about this or that and not believe me when I would say what I had really been inquiring about. Until about the fifth time it happened then we both said here we go again and shrugged it off.

 

As far as the support payments go we worked that out ourselves and did not involve any of the judges or service folks that usually decide it. As I stated before this did cause some issues when we would make inquiries as it seemed like they wanted to know what was going on in our business and we had to repeatedly tell them that is our business and we have it handled. Just remember though to get your agreements in writing from her and yourself if you go this route as I have had people I know had it come back and bite them when the spouse said they never paid me or hit them for back support years later because they didn't cover their tracks.

 

Hope this helps if you have any questions about anything at all feel free to PM me and I would be more than happy to try and help in any way I can. Just remember chin up dude enjoy the time with your son as it flies by believe me I blinked and my babies are 17 and 13 now. And it will get better and become easier in time as believe or not my ex and I are very good friends today. She gets along very well with my wife and I with her husband. Some people can't believe it when my ex and her husband come to my kids(with my current wife) birthday parties or just hang out at times. And believe me it was not like this at the beginning at all but we kept it civil for the kids and always made them feel like mom and dad were always there for them whether it was together or apart and they are great boys today for that very reason. They love the fact that their mom and dad are friends and can hang out in the same situation without any difficulties! Not all will have the same results but if you keep the lines of communication between all always open it will only get better with time! Good Luck my man!

Edited by Sunday Couch Potatoe

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Also wanted to add that the first couple years of being a parent is very stressful on the marriage. Don't know your circumstances but don't give up hope on the marriage working out.

 

Agreed. I have no idea what PON is going through, and sure he must have thought about all of this, but I love what my daughter has done for the Wench's and my marriage over the years. Its easy to pridefully walk away, but when you have something bigger to think about. It keeps the knee jerk reactions to a min and gives time to cool down and work through things. This is not to say that they haven't put the time in until this point, just an observation about my wee one's effect on my own marriage.

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