Skippy Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 (edited) Okay here goes. In May I had a pretty major knee surgery. I went on the normal pain meds after the surgery and sure enough that had me suffer from one of the side effects known as constipation. I had the surgery on a Friday and on the following Tuesday I knew that something was out of whack. Called the doctor and he put me on some stool softeners as well as two little bottles of some stuff that you drink. (I forget the name.) Fast forward a little. I did the stool softeners and the drinks on Tuesday as I called the doctor early in the morning. Tuesday night and still nothing. I am in pretty good pain and still popping plenty of pain pills but I have a conference on Wednesday that I really need to go to. It is only going to be a four hour deal on Wednesday morning so I am going to do my best to hobble to the dame conference. Come Wednesday morning and I still have not moved my bowl. I take a few more stool softeners and max does of my pain pills. My wife drives me to the convention center and off I go with my crutches. Now the good…err… the part that matters. About an hour into the conference I start to have some action in the stomach. It is talking loudly and giving me all sorts of pain. I know this feeling and I know it is coming fast and it is not going to be good. Lucky for me I was on crutches so I was sitting near the back right by the doors to the lobby. Off I go as fast as a very wounded fat guy can. I see the restroom sign right outside the doors and while I am sweating and clinching my butt like mad, I am relieved that it is pretty close. Each step is filled with danger as I just feel like it is going to come at any second no matter how hard I squeeze. Fast forward through the intense minute walk and here I am looking at the handicap stall and I have not soiled myself. I get in the door, hobble around a little to get facing the right way, undo my shorts and just as I start to make the approach to the toilet, I EXPLODED! Now I am not telling you this story because I am proud. I mean this is going to lower my rank with people like SteelBunz for sure but I am telling it because I think we all need to share and understand that we are human and chit happens. Go back to the EXPLODED part and understand that I was five days without a movement. When I say that I exploded, I am not exaggerating at all. This bathroom may have been condemned for all I know. I went on the wall during the approach, the back of the toilet and just about everywhere that the high compression sprays of built up crap could make it. I never did land and it was so tore up that I hobbled out of the stall with shorts around recent surgery leg and made my way into the next, (clean), stall. I had to ditch the underwear and went through a sickening clean up process of my own self. It was so bad that I could not even stand the odor and was getting ill. I scrub my hands and arms as well as face and legs. Back to the conference I sneak. About two minutes latter we hit the half-way point and the speaker announces that we will take a 15 minute break so that everyone can go to the bathroom, smoke or whatever. Out into the hall goes everyone and I see a janitor in a freaking hazmat suit and gas mask hanging a closed sign on the mens room. People a complaining about the odor that that they smell out in the lobby. A minute latter the small little janitor comes bursting out of the door gagging with tears coming out of his eyes. His coworker comes to help him out but after seeing the situation tells him that he is on his own. There I stood with no underwear on filled with shame over nearly shutting the convention center down but somehow no matter how disgusting my episode was, I feel the need to share it with the Huddle. Oh and I have really missed you guys while I am on the mend. I have not been around much but I think about you all the time. Edited June 26, 2010 by Skippy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballjoe Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 All I can say is "chit happens" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddy Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 (edited) You made polksalet and cliaz proud Edited June 26, 2010 by Big John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rajncajn Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 That's the hardest I've laughed in a while. I literally had tears coming out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 You made polksalet and cliaz proud this. welcome back and hope your knee is getting better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chargerz Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 (edited) I think we all need to share and understand that we are human and chit happens. Nice pun!!! Glad to see that everything came out okay. Edited June 26, 2010 by Chargerz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riffraff Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Skippy had last logged in 2 weeks ago. That's one long arse conference and dump, err shart. Skippy hates when I post this... but it's so apt. Skippy's team name in USDA is the Skid Marks. Team mascots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Glad to see that everything came out okay. Genius. Sheer genius. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddahj Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Did it look like the bathroom in "Trainspotting"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 (edited) Did it look like the bathroom in "Trainspotting"? Or maybe one. Edited June 27, 2010 by MikesVikes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Neutron Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Sorry you went through that, but thanks for sharing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrobn26 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Skip, I think I chit my pants reading your post! You take care of yourself, brother! Remember what I told you last night though. You've said it and I commented on it...we are like 2 peas in a pod. It's f'kin' scary. My best and if you need anything, you know I am here. Tom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Country Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Now I know why you didn't get a chance to return my text... you probably dropped it in the mad scramble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keggerz Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Thanks for giving me something to look forward to ...spent Thursday from 2am to 8am in the ER...thought it was pain associated with my herniated disc but noooooooo it is a frickin 6mm kidney stone....been poppin the percocets hard so I am now goin 2 days with no movement...not taking anything for it until I pass the damn stone but when I do I might have to dive into some mirolax, which actually worked very well when I was hittin the percocets hard when I first herniated my disc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'canes2004 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Easily one of the top ten funniest Huddle stories ever told. Very nice Skippy. Oh, I hope you feel better. Your knee that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'canes2004 Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 I've had a couple of surgeries over the years as well. The first time I had issues similar to Skippy's with the pain meds and getting the plumbing all backed up. Not nearly as bad but issues just the same. The second time I learned my lesson. About a week before the surgery I altered my diet. I increased my fiber intake and made sure I drank nothing but water. I don't drink soda at all but I avoided Gatorade, beer, liquor etc... Ate a ton of fruits and veggies and had my system primed for the pain meds.I had no issues at all and remained regular after the surgery and with the pain med regiment. If you're eating lots of fatty foods and starches before hand, you could be in trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duchess Jack Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 wow. fantastic. you've got to love life and how it puts you in situations that are horrible as you are going through them - but leave you with stories that'll make you and friends laugh for years to come. thanks for sharing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I did not know if I could put this story into the words that would paint an accurate picture. Scary picture but acurate. Anyway, it seems based on the response of you sick bastages that you understand and can see that while it happened to me I was anything but amused but now that it is just part of my history of life, it is a story that I had to share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rovers Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Skip, I think everyone has been there... well, I have to admit an early exit and some off target chit spraying, but never to the extremes you describe! My last surgery also caused big time constipation, but after a week, when things finally started moving, it was more like child birth based on my understanding of the experience. I was doing the breathing thing, and then ...PUUUUSH! Breathe.... PUUUSH! Turds 1 foot wide and hard as concrete they were. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 Skip, I think everyone has been there... I ain't going there. You can't make me. No sir. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rovers Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 I ain't going there. You can't make me. No sir. You sir, are a liar if you cannot admit to having at least one uncontrolable chit squirt in yer lifetime. I am not suggesting that this thread become some sort of "yes, I squirted once" thread complete with the level of detail Skippy offered... but there is a reason why the saying "chit happens" started in the first place. As far as I know, it is never an uplifting story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrobn26 Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 Skip, I think everyone has been there... well, I have to admit an early exit and some off target chit spraying, but never to the extremes you describe! My last surgery also caused big time constipation, but after a week, when things finally started moving, it was more like child birth based on my understanding of the experience. I was doing the breathing thing, and then ...PUUUUSH! Breathe.... PUUUSH! Turds 1 foot wide and hard as concrete they were. When I blew out my ribs in Jan. and then fractured them in March I was doing the pain pill thing. 3 days nothing, Dulcolax for 3 more days and on the 7th day a massive evacuation that almost pushed me off the toilet seat and I saw stars and my maker at the same time. Rovers my friend... Few if any here will admit to a shart or worse, but we know more people get them than will admit to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 You sir, are a liar if you cannot admit to having at least one uncontrolable chit squirt in yer lifetime. I am not suggesting that this thread become some sort of "yes, I squirted once" thread complete with the level of detail Skippy offered... but there is a reason why the saying "chit happens" started in the first place. As far as I know, it is never an uplifting story. Lol. I meant that you can't make me go into skippy's scene of the crime of a bathroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.