Im in a tough spot

[whomper]

I have a reoccuring situation that I have to address in a few months and its got me in a tough spot. My dad is 74 years old and just had major 11 hour back surgery. Thank God he is doing great and his recovery is going better than we couldve hoped for. My dad has been retired about 7 years. I dont think 74 is that old. He is as sharp as a tack and aside from the back ailment and Low level diabetes he is as strong and healthy as on ox. Here is the problem.

 

In the past few years he has become a terrible driver. Thank God he hasnt had any accidents but my wife was in the car with him and ive been in the car with him and he just doesnt drive good at all. He used to drive fine. Hes a retired cop so he obeys all the laws of the road but he swerves , his speed is off and he makes risky moves. If there is ever a situation where the 2 of us are in a car now I drive and make it out as im giving him a break. The big issue is that this surgery has made him feel old. He hates the fact that he cant do what he used too. I know when he heals up over time and if he continues his rehab he will be able to do a lot , not all, of the things he used to do. I have to tell him about the driving thing because I would never want to see him get hurt and because when my parents watch my kids and my neice he drives them in the car. Let me emphatically state that my question is not if I should tell him because nothing comes between the safety of my kids and my Mom and dad.

 

I guess im just looking for comments. Has anyone ever had a situation like this ? He is gonna take it hard. I want to go to my mother and tell her she should do the driving from now on and explain why but my mom is old school. If the man and the woman are in the car the man drives. I think she will see it my way when I explain to her that its for their own good..Im not saying he should never drive again. I know he goes local and things like that..Its just these long highway drives with my mom in the car and my kids that scares the hell out of me.

Edited January 20, 2006 by whomper

[Bier Meister]

i think i am going to have that talk with my mom soon...... good luck bro

[Guest Sores]

I have a reoccuring situation tha I have to address in a few months and its got me in a tough spot. My dad is 74 years old and just had major 11 hour back surgery. Thank God he is doind great and his recovery is going better than we couldve hoped for. My dad has been retired about 7 years. I dont think 74 is that old. He is as sharp as a tack and aside from the back ailment and Low level diabetes he is as strong and healthy as on ox. Here is the problem.

 

In the past few years he has become a terrible driver. Thank God he hasnt had any accidents but my wife was in the car with him and ive been in the car with him and he just doesnt drive good at all. He used to drive fine. Hes a retired cop so he obeys all the laws of the road but he swerves , his speed is off and he makes risky moves. If there is ever a situation where the 2 of us are in a car now I drive and make it out as im giving him a break. The big issue is that this surgery has made him feel old. He hates the fact that he cant do what he used too. I know when he heals up over time and if he continues his rehab he will be able to do a lot , not all, of the things he used to do. I have to tell him about the driving thing because I would never want to see him get hurt and because when my parents watch my kids and my neice he drives them in the car. Let me emphatically state that my question is not if I should tell him because nothing comes between the safety of my kids and my Mom and dad.

 

I guess im just looking for comments. Has anyone ever had a situation like this ? He is gonna take it hard. I want to go to my mother and tell her she should do the driving from now on and explain why but my mom is old school. If the man and the woman are in the car the man drives. I think she will see it my way when I explain to her that its for their own good..Im not saying he should never drive again. I know he goes local and things like that..Its just these long highway drives with my mom in the car and my kids that scares the hell out of me.

 

1279146[/snapback]

 

 

 

 

Very few amongst us have probably had to deal with this. I think the best tact to take would be to appeal to the ex-cop in him and couple that with love.

 

Tell him straight up that his driving skills have deteriorated to the point where "My Dad of 35 years ago would have pulled you over. I love you too much to let that happen or to lose you or anyone else in an accident that we have been lucky hasn't happened yet." Depending on the relationship with him, follow that up with a big hug.

 

Just an idea....maybe other people have had to deal with this before and will have better advice.

[TDFFFreak]

Ugh. Tough one Whomper...

 

Independence is the last thing you want to take away from the elderly whenever possible. Problem is that you hit a point when saftey overtakes that sense of independence. Assuming you have a close relationship, you need to have a good heart to heart and make him understand your concern. At the same time let him know that he is so important to you and his grandkids and you are discussing this with him because you want him to be around for a long time to come.

 

A very hard talk to have, but after a little time he should know that you are trying to do what's best and has nothing to do with a lack of respect for him.

Edited January 20, 2006 by TDFFFreak

[yo mama]

We've had that conversation with grandma, but it wasn't well recieved. I'm sorry I have no real advice, but you're absolutely right to confront him on the issue.

[tonorator]

my wife's dad now has problems with falling asleep while driving and he speeds as well. this has led to several minor issues. he's in his 70's and no one is taking him off the road. the most you can do is have the heart to heart discussion with both him and his wife about your concerns, but in the end - you won't stop them if they are dead set on staying behind the wheel. my wife has bought him books on tape and different music to try and keep his focus, and he knows of the concern ... but he ain't stopping.

 

if we are all going somewhere and my kids are coming, i take it upon myself to drive. he's never challenged that, so there's no issue, but i would not have him driving the kids.

 

we have not taken this step, but i would guess there are steps to take with the police/legal system to have someone driving privileges removed if they are deemed a threat to others.

[NSab]

Whomp, honestly I have my mothe in law, her mother and my father all living with me in my house. If it was me, I would be straight and up front with him. Explain your concerns man to man, he will most likely understand where you are coming from and is probably not going to be thrilled, but will trust you as his son and understand what he has to do.

[rocknrobn26]

We went thru this w/ my FIL, but he was ~90! He hit the wall of the garage and that was what actually convinced him, by himself, to stop driving, w/o intervention. It was never an issue w/ my dad, and my mom stopped driving at around 65.....hell, she didn't get her liscense until after my dad died @ 53.

 

I only advice is to talk to your Mom first. Explain your concerns. see how she feels, but try to convince her that something has to be done! Once you get her on your side, I'm sure it will go smoother, but probably not smooth.

 

One has to feel compassionate, but realistic. Losing the RIGHT to drive is really an ego buster. As my wife always says, when confronted w/ a negotiation, the word 'I' works better and is swallowed better than 'You'. 'You' seems to make a person's defence mechanism kick in. When you use the 'I' or even 'WE', he'll be more receptive.

 

We went thru a lot of stuff w/ my in-laws. I dread the day we have to go thru it w/ my Mom! It's unavoidable, and it sounds like you have great love/respect for your folks. Bless you for that! If you want to talk, pm me and I'll give you my home phone number and we can at least talk.

 

Good luck my friend!

 

rr26

[whomper]

Thanks all..As usual some great points and solid advice.

[Deacon Bill]

When my mother in law began having seizures as a result of a brain tumor (she was 78 at the time) we had to sit her down and tell her that her driving days were over. She did not like it one bit, but we were always there to take her wherever, and whenever, she needed to go. I still think it hurt her having to be chauffered around, but given her condition, there simply was no alternative.

 

I think with your dad being an ex-cop whomper, that if you list all the pros and cons of him continuing to drive, in a tactful and genuinely concerned manner, he still may not like it; but will come around to what's best for all concerned.

 

Losing your driving priveleges is a loss of freedom, and an acute reminder of your mortality. But when his safety, and the safety of others are at stake, you have to broach that subject. But if your family can be as accomodating as possible with other viable means of transporting him where he needs to go, I think he'll be less apt to oppose it. I would NOT dangle the carrot of "you'll be driving again in no time". Cross that bridge if and when you get to it. JMHO. Good luck!

[darin3]

Very few amongst us have probably had to deal with this.  I think the best tact to take would be to appeal to the ex-cop in him and couple that with love. 

 

 

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I think with your dad being an ex-cop whomper, that if you list all the pros and cons of him continuing to drive, in a tactful and genuinely concerned manner, he still may not like it; but will come around to what's best for all concerned.

 

1279187[/snapback]

 

 

 

 

Great info here.

 

Gotta approach it from a safety concern point of view. Your Dad will appreciate your concern for him. Just one of those things about growing older.

[rocknrobn26]

At the risk of repeating myself, and all due respect to the above posts, talk to your Mom first! You need an ally! if you approach him first, he will put his guard up. W/ your Mom on your side, I guarantee it will be easier, but still not easy. I've been thru a lot w/ my FIL &MIL, not this specific subject, but none the less. You'll have to ease him into it, a direct confrontation will only cause negative results and major arguements. JMHO!

[Chargerz]

Gotta approach it from a safety concern point of view.  Your Dad will appreciate your concern for him.  Just one of those things about growing older.

 

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Yep. This is the approach to take. Your dad will eventually appreciate your concern for his well-being as well as everyone who rides with him.

[Puddy]

My siblings and I have started noticing a deterioration of my dad's driving over the last few years and he's only 65. He flat out doesn't pay close enough attention and talks on his cell phone a lot. Rarely do I have him drive my kids around. I know the talk is coming one day for him also, so I'm paying close attention to the advice given here.

 

 

Or just ask the HOT league how their kids broke it to them :hurriedlyleavestheroom:

Edited January 21, 2006 by Puddy

[wiegie]

I have no idea how to handle it, but the idea came to me that you could secretly "tail" him when he is out driving someday and video-tape his erratic driving and then present him with the actual evidence (appealing to his copness as other people have suggested).

 

Have you googled this topic for advice?

Edited January 21, 2006 by wiegie

[Beaumont]

You HAVE to have the conversation, painful though it will be. Good advice in here on how to do it ...

Edited January 21, 2006 by Beaumont

[spain]

My Granny is 89 years of age and still drives. She had major back surgery last year to fix some degenerated disks. She has a boyfriend and they go all over the place. I casually mentioned that her driving sucked ass, and that she was a little long in the tooth to be operating a car. She told me, "Piss off you little wanker". I havent mentioned it since...

[whomper]

We went thru a lot of stuff w/ my in-laws.  I dread the day we have to go thru it w/ my Mom!   It's unavoidable, and it sounds like you have great love/respect for your folks.  Bless you for that!  If you want to talk, pm me and I'll give you my home phone number and we can at least talk.

 

Good luck my friend!

rr26

 

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It wouldnt be the first time I called you for advice my friend..Thanks for the offer when its time I may take you up on it

 

 

At the risk of repeating myself, and all due respect to the above posts, talk to your Mom first!  You need an ally!  if you approach him first, he will put his guard up.  W/ your Mom on your side, I guarantee it will be easier, but still not easy.  I've been thru a lot w/ my FIL &MIL, not this specific subject, but none the less.  You'll have to ease him into it, a direct confrontation will only cause negative results and major arguements.  JMHO!

 

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I agree and will definetly talk to my mother first. My relationship with my father is awesome. I have no problem with a good heart to heart with him. Its usually me asking him for his advice though. This is a little different but as NSab and many of you said its gotta be straightforward because of the topic. God forbid I spared his feelings and something bad happened. Thanks again everybody.

Edited January 21, 2006 by whomper

[whomper]

I have no idea how to handle it, but the idea came to me that you could secretly "tail" him when he is out driving someday and video-tape his erratic driving and then present him with the actual evidence (appealing to his copness as other people have suggested).

 

Have you googled this topic for advice?

 

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Not yet..I check in with you momos first

[Azazello1313]

first thing, just have a talk with him man to man, express your concerns and try and get HIM to come around to your point of view of his own free will. don't push, just raise the issue. where it goes from there sorta depends on how the conversation goes. i have to disagree a bit with whoever said get your mom and everyone else in your family lined up with you beforehand. that makes it feel like some sort of "intervention", and he may not take to that too kindly. at least give him a real chance to man-up and make it HIS decision. if he blows you off, then later you can start with the more assertive intervention tactics.

[darin3]

Whomp - is your dad a funny asz like you? If so, perhaps some humor would help the situation?

[Dr. Sacrebleu]

first thing, just have a talk with him man to man, express your concerns and try and get HIM to come around to your point of view of his own free will.  don't push, just raise the issue.  where it goes from there sorta depends on how the conversation goes.  i have to disagree a bit with whoever said get your mom and everyone else in your family lined up with you beforehand.  that makes it feel like some sort of "intervention", and he may not take to that too kindly.  at least give him a real chance to man-up and make it HIS decision.  if he blows you off, then later you can start with the more assertive intervention tactics.

 

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Couldn't agree more.

You know that people as they start to age already have enough of these conversations with themselves, and it can only be upsetting to deep down know these things. It's one thing to have someone confirm these truths that you know, it's quite another to have the shaming intervention group point it's finger while telling you.

 

My father is 72 and it made me sad last summer when he did that typical old man at the wheel move: the turn signal was on for like 10 blocks and he was driving 25 in a 25mph zone (which, let's be realistic, is really really slow). Cars were honking. He lets my mother drive when they are together.

 

Seeing one's parents age is a tough thing.

 

We played our last game of squash together 3 years ago, after about 5 years of me faking to make the final result even remotely respectable, and we have never spoken of it, as it's obviously a very big deal for both of us in terms of how he is in the sunset of his life.

 

Your situation unfortunately has to be addressed,as it is potentially dangerous to your whole family.

My best advice is to shamelesly use your wife and kids for this:

\Tell him that as a husband you need to protect your wife, and that you think that she is better suited to drive than he is. Hopefully this makes him realize over all that he is a danger to himself and those around.

[isleseeya]

Whomp, honestly I have my mothe in law, her mother and my father all living with me in my house. If it was me, I would be straight and up front with him. Explain your concerns man to man, he will most likely understand where you are coming from and is probably not going to be thrilled, but will trust you as his son and understand what he has to do.

1279171[/snapback]

 

 

Of all the replies i would agree with this one the most ...Dad and Son , with a straight honest talk is the way to go ...good luck

[Kid Cid]

This one is hard. I had to have this talk with my Dad several years before he passed. He didn't like it one darn bit. If I had to do it over again, I'd perhaps start getting him used to the idea of one of the other family members driving first. Not say anything direct and then for like 6 months have others drive. Even if it was a pain in the balls to do so. Then have the talk. Taking ones independence and freedom away is always tough. Good luck.

[Duchess Jack]

The hard truth is, that it just takes one mistake...just one simple mistake before somebody gets hurt.

 

That's the thing with stuff like this. People look at their record and pretty much take the attitude that they've not gotten into an accident yet or somesuch.

 

Most people will be hard pressed to accept a situation like this before it is too late. What will need to happen for him to accept it?

 

I've know a couple guys to drive home from bars who have said...'I've never gotten pulled over or into an accident' - my answer to them is that this is the perfect time to stop.

 

Which is worse - the loss of pride in no longer being able to drive or the piece of soul lost in knowing that your pride might have lead to someone else getting hurt.

 

Good luck Whomp. The very fact that you know you need to talk to him mixed with you thinking though how you are going to do it tells me that you'll be just fine. He'll likely be upset first, but he'll come around.