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My life has been very busy this last year. Fifty+ hour work weeks, wife and family, house and yard, same issues as everybody. In that time, I've let friendships fade, including that of my best friend. Two years ago, I was best man at his wedding, but I haven't talked to him in a long time. He only lives forty-five minutes from me but I haven't seen him all summer. I haven't bothered to pick up the phone and neither has he. But in the end these are just excuses.

 

A month ago, we were organizing our local fantasy league that we've been in together for ten years. He sent an email to the commish saying he was dropping out. I sent a flippant email to him saying instead of dropping out he should just send the entry fee to me as I'd be winning the league anyways. He never responded.

 

Last night I was at the computer and thought of him, so I just sent a quick email to him asking whats up? I should have done it much earlier, I know. This was his respnse.

 

My wife left me eight months ago. My life is empty; without direction and meaning. I live in hell. I try my best to shield those I love from what I'm going through. They don't need my problems marring their lives.

 

I feel horrible. My friend has suffered like this while I was in my own world. It's obvious he's angry over alot of things, including his best friend not being there for him. I realize this isn't about me. I need to be there for him. But eight months after the fact? Where do I start? I guess just tell him I failed him before but I'm here for him now?

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We all let life get in the way of life sometimes. Get in the car and go visit your friend. He may say he doesn't need you but that is a lie and you both know it.

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Call him. Then get in the car, get him, and go get a burger. The house and yard can wait.

 

:smash:

 

"Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Call him. Then get in the car, get him, and go get a burger. The house and yard can wait.

 

 

Unless your friend eschews alcohol, I'd bring a bottle of fine tequila (or whatever you/he likes) to kill after you finish your burgers.

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You can't kill yourself over what you didn't know. Telephones and email work both ways.

 

All you can do is go and be a friend now. Don't bring guilt with you as there is no need for you to carry any, just bring some support.

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We all let life get in the way of life sometimes. Get in the car and go visit your friend. He may say he doesn't need you but that is a lie and you both know it.

 

Agree, but I'm the same way to not make my problems other people's problems, and I know that the last thing I would have wanted is for them to be there just because of pity (even if that's not necessarily true, it can feel that way).

 

Since you two are best friends, then I think there's an easy way of letting him know "it's been way too long" to get together and stay in touch. Deep down he'll know that you're there for him in a time when he needs a friend. Just don't make him feel like that's the only reason you're there, IMHO.

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Call him. Then get in the car, get him, and go get a burger. The house and yard can wait.

 

We all let life get in the way of life sometimes. Get in the car and go visit your friend. He may say he doesn't need you but that is a lie and you both know it.

 

Unless your friend eschews alcohol, I'd bring a bottle of fine tequila (or whatever you/he likes) to kill after you finish your burgers.

 

You can't kill yourself over what you didn't know. Telephones and email work both ways.

 

All you can do is go and be a friend now. Don't bring guilt with you as there is no need for you to carry any, just bring some support.

 

 

 

yep

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You can't kill yourself over what you didn't know. Telephones and email work both ways.

 

All you can do is go and be a friend now. Don't bring guilt with you as there is no need for you to carry any, just bring some support.

 

 

This exactly

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We all let life get in the way of life sometimes. Get in the car and go visit your friend. He may say he doesn't need you but that is a lie and you both know it.

 

 

Guys like to suck up and keep it in. I did for years.

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You can't kill yourself over what you didn't know. Telephones and email work both ways.

 

All you can do is go and be a friend now. Don't bring guilt with you as there is no need for you to carry any, just bring some support.

 

 

Agree

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Guys like to suck up and keep it in. I did for years.

 

I did that for years as well. Liking doing it wasn't true for me. I just felt that I was supposed to suck it up and deal with it. I am glad I don't have to live my life that way anymore.

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You can't kill yourself over what you didn't know. Telephones and email work both ways.

 

All you can do is go and be a friend now. Don't bring guilt with you as there is no need for you to carry any, just bring some support.

 

This

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Lots of good advice here. Go do what you can for your friend.

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You two were obviously pretty close in the not so distant past. Pick it up where you left off. No guilt, just Bros in this case.

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friends are special, doesn't matter the time or distance away they show up at the right time and make things better :)

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From his e-mail I got nothing indicating his was mad at you.

 

As others have said, just go visit him.

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One piece of advice that hasn't already been said is that your friend seems like he does not want to talk about what is going on in his life right now. He may not actually mean that but you should respect that until he opens to you.

 

You can be a good buddy and offer some support from that angle while saying generalized statements like "Hey man, you know I'm always down for a brew to shoot the breeze about whatever." Let him open about what is going on. If you are heavy-handed about it and my read on your friend is correct, he won't be happy.

 

I had a friend like this once and my misplay on how to breach the subject pushed him further away. Just be a buddy and let things happen naturally. He may not actually decide to talk to you about it for a little while yet but the companionship you are offering means the world to him.

 

Best of luck.

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"My life is empty".

 

Well - how much of a friend are you to him? Really? Ask yourself that question, and then decide how much you'd like to help him fill that up.

 

"I live in hell".

 

Assess yourself what that means by spending some time with him. Go to see him of course, but I find it much more important to eventually get him to come and see you and integrate him into YOUR life, not take actions where you might force him to integrate YOU into HIS life.

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Just got back. Went over last night and we didn't do much except drink and grill. Ended up crashing there. Watched football today. Didn't talk a ton about the situation. We've never been the talk about feelings friends.

 

I'm a little worried. He did talk about the pain he's in and how he wants it to end. I figure if he wanted it to "end", that would have happened awhile ago. I just said you can't change the past, you can only change your future. You have to re-engage life and do what's best for you.

 

They aren't even divorced yet. Neither one has the motivation to file it seems. But he said it was over and no chance of reconciling. I told him I'd get together with him whenever he wanted.

 

Thanks, all.

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I'm a little worried. He did talk about the pain he's in and how he wants it to end. I figure if he wanted it to "end", that would have happened awhile ago.

 

 

 

This is the part where you need to pay attention to your radar. Him not ending it "yet" may be his cry for help for whoever will listen to him. Call him every day. Heck, tell him: "Dude, I'm worried about you. When you say you want it to end, I have to ask if you are really ok. Or do you need some help. I've never heard you like this, and I don't want you to do something to hurt yourself."

 

I have been on the other end where me and my family never paid attention to the signs of a good family friend who killed himself. So if I have any advice, don't ignore the signs. It may turn out to be nothing, but you need to ask.

Edited by Chief Dick

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yep

 

 

This helped me through. Go buy him a beer and listen. That is worth more than anything, especially if the guy is internalizing it instead of talking it out.

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Just got back. Went over last night and we didn't do much except drink and grill. Ended up crashing there. Watched football today. Didn't talk a ton about the situation. We've never been the talk about feelings friends.

 

I'm a little worried. He did talk about the pain he's in and how he wants it to end. I figure if he wanted it to "end", that would have happened awhile ago. I just said you can't change the past, you can only change your future. You have to re-engage life and do what's best for you.

 

They aren't even divorced yet. Neither one has the motivation to file it seems. But he said it was over and no chance of reconciling. I told him I'd get together with him whenever he wanted.

 

Thanks, all.

 

 

In my separation, I felt really low. But then I looked at it as an opportunity to do all of the dating I wanted. HOO BOY, did my low feeling hit the stratosphere. I am rocking it now. ;-)

 

Also, just because you and he didn't talk about how he was feeling, don't think you didn't help.

 

And, BTW, OKCupid.com. Great site, even for seperated folks. ;-)

Edited by cre8tiff

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All of this is great advice and you are doing what a best friend would do. See, it doesn't matter how many months or years pass between male best friends - when your best friend is in need you jump in to help. Plain and simple.

 

And if none of this helps out and he is still feeling down the next time you go over to see him - simply set up a camera at your house and video tape you painting your toenails to ABBA Dancing queen and send me the video.

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