My Sitch....

[jaxfactor]

This could be lengthy, so if you don't have the time, please move on and I'll understand. I'm spilling my guts out here on what has been happening in my life. As many of you know, I had a sitch awhile back that I thought my S.O. had cancer. Turned out it was beginning stages of emphysema. The problems started way before this. I have been living with S.O. for 10 years, been engaged for 5-7(can't remember exactly). She was what I thought was my perfect mate. I knew she drank a little, but thought nothing of it. Turns out she drinks more than a little. She was also hooked on pain killers so she got hooked up with this methadone clinic( I could start another topic on this but will pass for now)and they were supposed to ween her off of the stuff little by little. She was doing a full dose of methadone every day at first. It started at $12 a dose but now is $14. Well, between that, her spending habits, her drinking habit, etc. It was driving me to the poor house. So much so that I had to declare bankruptcy(ch. 13). I just recently fulfilled my plan after 4 years and am out of it. Sorry I should have never posted the other thread about my wonderful plan of getting out of debt. My plan was chapter 13 and my apologies for making some of you think otherwise. I was rather embarrassed by it. I am not a liar and never intended to be.

Well anyway, this gorgeous woman that I fell in love with had let herself go. She drank excessively to the point of losing numerous jobs in her mortgage field. Yet something propelled me to stay with her. I thought I could make her get back to the woman I fell in love with. Wrong. I stopped giving her money to keep her from buying her beloved booze. That was a mistake because then she would take some of my most prized possesions to the local pawn shop to get money. The beautiful $3500 ring I bought her is gone. She claims that a friend of hers is holding it for her. I'm not that stupid. Or maybe I am. How did I let this go on for so long without giving her the boot? I guess Superman thought he could save the day and save her life. I was afraid if I let her go she would certainly die. I guess the main reason was because I still loved her. I weened her down to every other day on the meth but it was the alcohol that was killing her. I lost most, if not all of my friends because they no longer wanted to associate with her. It became embarrassing to take her anywhere. Well, after she tapped me out, it was hard to go anywhere because I was always broke with the bankruptcy payment, supporting her habits, and trying to get my stuff out of hock which by the way charges 304% interest on the year. My $1600 Gibson Les Paul is still at the pawn shop. I have been paying for extensions because it is my most valued possesion other than my motorcycle. Well I finally got out of chapter 13 after 4 long years. Now I have extra cash flow but yet I'm still getting nowhere and living paycheck to paycheck. I have a substantial amount of money in my 401k and can take a loan out from it. From that I will get my possesions out of hock . But what then?

Last Sunday evening, S.O. started complaining of bad stomach aches. She hadn't done her methadone since Wednesday. I had no extra funds to pay for it due to the dreaded bugs eating away my trees, the truck breaking down, etc. Was supposed to go visit her cousin down state and relax on the river, but he just had back surgery and that was out. I started my 2 week vacation Monday. So her mom calls and tells me to take her to the emergency room as those quacks at the meth clinic told her she could die if she didn't get any. I had just signed up for the Huddle Ladder league and then this happens. So I take her to the emergency room first thing in the morning. Sit there all freekin' day and she gets into a room finally. So I make a run home to feed the cats(yes, I have cats if you haven't already heard) and grab a bite to eat. I manage to PM a couple guys from the Huddle Ladder League and tell them that I have a personal prob. and won't be able to join afterall. I haed back to the hospital to hear the good news and bad news. The good news is S.O. has gone long enough without the methadone that she no longer needs it, and no, she won't die from not getting it. The bad news is the stomach aches were caused by her very enlarged liver. I've spent the majority of my first week of vacation at a hospital. Now comes the really bad news. Her liver is 80% fried. But, as long as there is a portion of the liver still working, it can heal. Don't know the whole parameters of this yet, but will learn more soon hopefully.

Now her mom is in town and wants to take her back to Georgia to seek professional help. This is the culmination of 7 of the longest years of my life. I am in tears writing this. I have seen the lowest of lows. So bad sometimes that I wish that mugger down in Orlando would have just freekin' killed me.

But I'm not about that. I've come too far. I am now above sea level and rising. And may I say that it has helped tremendously to get away from it all by coming to the tailgate. To here something funny from Spain, Cliaz, or Whomper makes my day. It helps to have people to talk to. But right now I have nobody. My brothers and sister tell me to cut the chain without even knowing how I feel about this woman. It's easier said than done. I truly believe this is my family away from my family. Talking about what we're all here for in essence...football, or to hear BC's card exploits, it all helps put me at ease as I really have to make a decision in my life now. A very important decision at that. Do I cut the chain completely, or leave the door open for her to return if/when she gets well? I still love her after all she's done,and that is what is so hard to let go. I truly believe she let the alcohol take over her life and she has no sense of what's right and wrong anymore. She leaves for Georgia on Monday and I don't know what to say or what to do. All I ask is that you pray for her. Not for me, but her to get well and become that wonderful woman again. If anyone feels like talking to me one on one, it would be much appreciated. PM me and I'll give my cell #.

I'm now contemplating deleting this whole message. But I'm at a place where I have nowhere to turn but to my Huddle brethren and the man upstairs. I'm going to press the post topic button now as embarrassed as I am, but so be it.

 

Michael Irvin speech over. Carry on.

 

Jax

 

P.S.- I started smoking again Monday. Full fledged smoker again after almost 3 years.

[twiley]

Yeesh, sorry to hear this - my best advice and I'll keep it short and sweet...it's going to be tough but you need to cut ties off completely with this woman and move on.

[Big John]

Ouch

 

Just don't know what to say.

[max]

First of all you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about! Keep your chin up Jax. you are a good man and everyone her knows that! You are obviously a man of great character for sticking by your S.O. through these tough times. As far as what to do relationship wise I really do not know what to say. You are the only one that knows how you feel about her. I will pray for her and hopefully she will get better. I will also pray for you. If you need anything let me know Bro.

[Ursa Majoris]

Yeesh, sorry to hear this - my best advice and I'll keep it short and sweet...it's going to be tough but you need to cut ties off completely with this woman and move on.

I'm really sorry to hear all this but I do have a slightly different angle than Twiley here, assuming you still would ideally want to make a go of it. If her mom is coming to see if she can fix your S.O., then when you say your goodbyes, let her know that if she gets well and wants to come back, she can. I guess it then depends on her. That said, you can't sit around for ever.

 

Best wishes to both of you.

[ChuckB]

Wow, tough situation bro.......The only advice I have is to keep doing what feels right in your heart, but at the same time use your brain. Take her going to Georgia as an oppurtunity to reevalute your situation, and use the time alone do do some soul searching. I would still be there for her when she needs you, but there's a fine line between "being there" for someone and being an enabler which it sounds like has been happening.

 

Hopefully her time away will do her some good and she will turn things around.....if that happens and you two can be together great, but if she can't turn herself around I would be very wary about continuing a relationship with her as sad as that sounds.

 

 

Good luck Jax I will have BOTH of you in my thoughts and prayers, I hope it works out for the best.

[Riffraff]

1. She'll never again be the person you originally met. The hardest part of it all is accepting this and hoping for it. People change: you are not the person you were at age 4, or age 14, or age 24, or even age 34 (and so on). We all change. Some for the better, some for the worse.

 

2. As soon as possible, get yourself some therapy as well. It's not the "manliest" thing to admit you've got problems. But you've taken a big step just posting this topic. There are support groups out there that give you a live shoulder to lean on. They'll be there for you if you stay with your woman or if you decide to move on. Depression can be overcome. Even Alcoholics Anon will accept you as someone who was affected by alcohol in the family.

 

3. Bankruptcy payments can be lowered over time. Your pawned items are more than likely lost. Accept it. Smoking is just another bill to pay (packs are expensive and future medical bills won't help any).

 

4. Nobody here can make you give up the love for the women. That's a personal choice you have to make. Preferably with the assistance of a trained therapist.

Edited August 11, 2007 by Riffraff

[whomper]

To here something funny from Spain, Cliaz, or Whomper makes my day

 

The pleasure is all mine bro.. Max nailed it up above..You have absolutely nothing to be embarrased about at all and it does show tons about your charecter how you have hung in when many other people would have run for the hills. Have you ever tried an intervention with her ? God only knows where she would be without you and I think she knows that deep down but she has her obvious Demons. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc when it reaches these proportions ruin not just the life of the abuser but of so many people around them. The old cliche is that they have to reach rock bottom before they can climb back out..Losing you would be rock bottom for her but a big risk on your part because God forbid something happened to her you would never forgive yourself. That being said you also need to take your life and your well being into account and by doing so you wouldnt be acting selfish. I would say some tough love might be in order but do it at a time when she is feeling better from her health issues. Reach out to her family or friends or anyone else she has that still cares about her and set up an intervention..Good luck bro. It takes a big man to wear your heart on your sleeve like you did in this thread and I for one am glad you did so this great community can rally for you..God bless you both.

[Flip_Side]

Sad to hear...I will keep both of you in my prayers.

[wiegie]

Jax, I think you have to let her mom take her back to Georgia.

 

From reading your thread, I don't think you are in love with her anymore. I think you still love what she used to be, but I think you are holding on now out of loyalty. I don't think you need to do this anymore. (In fact, it seems clear that being loyal to her is hurting you and it also seems possible that it is actually hurting her (definitely not intentionally on your part by any stretch of the imagination though).)

 

I think you should tell her that you are letting her go so that she can get well. I then think you need to cut the strings. (This is easier said than done, of course, but I am giving you my objective advice.) If sometime in the future, she does indeed get well and wants to come back, I think you can be open to it, but I think you owe it to yourself to not just wait around to see if that happens.

 

I seriously wish you (and her) all of the best.

[jaxfactor]

Thanks all! Max chimed in and gave me a ring. First time I've ever talked to any of you on the phone before. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers and I'm sure I'll get through this one way or another.

[darin3]

Thanks all! Max chimed in and gave me a ring. First time I've ever talked to any of you on the phone before. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers and I'm sure I'll get through this one way or another.

Hope he had a nice, sexy voice. Wouldn't want your cherry-popping to be a bad experience.

 

Anyways, in all seriousness, you're most certainly in my thoughts tonight man... best of vibes heading due east.

[wiegie]

One thing that sort of jumped out as I reread your initial post was the sentence: "My brothers and sister tell me to cut the chain without even knowing how I feel about this woman." This sounds very similar to the standard response of "but they don't know him/her like I know him/her" that people sometimes give after getting some advice that they deserve someone better than the person they are currently with.

 

Take that for what it is worth (which is likely nothing).

[Ursa Majoris]

Jax, I think you have to let her mom take her back to Georgia.

 

From reading your thread, I don't think you are in love with her anymore. I think you still love what she used to be, but I think you are holding on now out of loyalty. I don't think you need to do this anymore. (In fact, it seems clear that being loyal to her is hurting you and it also seems possible that it is actually hurting her (definitely not intentionally on your part by any stretch of the imagination though).)

 

I think you should tell her that you are letting her go so that she can get well. I then think you need to cut the strings. (This is easier said than done, of course, but I am giving you my objective advice.) If sometime in the future, she does indeed get well and wants to come back, I think you can be open to it, but I think you owe it to yourself to not just wait around to see if that happens.

 

I seriously wish you (and her) all of the best.

Wiegie said what I was trying to say.

[theprofessor]

JF -

 

It's a very tough situation you're in and I feel for you. I have gone through quite a bit of substance abuse issue's with my children (22 and 24) and it tears your heart out. I have sent my son and daughter through rehab 7 times (3 for my son, 4 for my daughter) I have spent approximately $122,000 over the last 6 years on treatment. My daughter is 4 years sober and is a drug and alcohol counselor now. My son has been clean for about 15 months but is struggling with life skills due to his past use. I know enough about this disease to know that they can both relapse tonight. It's easy to blame yourself. I know because I've done it. I raised my children on my own from the time they were 8 and 10 years old. I love them but I've also let them go. You need to do the same thing. Your quality of life is important. Remember that.

 

My advice to you is don't blame yourself. Get therapy for yourself because the family becomes the "victim", it's important that you talk to someone. One of the best things you could do for your SO is to tell her that you love her, but that you will not be a part of the "abuse" anymore. Tell her that you want her to get well and that you will be open minded about a possible future with her but for now you're moving on. She needs to hear that. Those words might be the difference in her changing her life. With or without you.

 

Stay close to your friends. I don't know if you're a christian or not but believe me, prayer does help. It's honorable that you ask people to pray for her but you too need prayer. You have been through a LOT and you need to ask for God to give you strength, courage and wisdom through this. I will pray for you and your SO. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

[twiley]

I'm really sorry to hear all this but I do have a slightly different angle than Twiley here, assuming you still would ideally want to make a go of it. If her mom is coming to see if she can fix your S.O., then when you say your goodbyes, let her know that if she gets well and wants to come back, she can. I guess it then depends on her. That said, you can't sit around for ever.

 

Best wishes to both of you.

Yeah, I was thinking about this while trying to get the kid to go to sleep and realized that I may have come across as rather abrupt. Jax, it sounds like you've done everything possible on your end to make things work but you need to start thinking about yourself and the quality of life your getting out of this situation. I'm actually working with a close friend right now on a similar situation with his wife and one thing he's doing is seeking counseling - for his own mental health and to cope with what's going on. I

[TDFFFreak]

(takes a breath)

 

First of all, I am very sorry to hear of the troubles you are going through at the moment. It must be very hard to feel as if the girl you are in love with is slipping through your hands with little you can do about it. It sounds as if you have done so much to help this person and situation out and you are at the end of your rope. What I will tell you now may not be what you want to hear, but it's coming from an indepedent source who only knows your side of the story. Take it for what it's worth, but I know a little something about matters such as these...

 

First off, you need to let her go back to Georgia to be with her family and get professional help. I am guessing that part of the tourment you are feeling is the knowledge that you need to let her go, to Georgia AND out of your life. I am not sure how old you are, but you have spent considerable time with this person and no matter how messed up the situation is, she's an important part of your life.

 

Second, with what I currently know, I believe that it's time to cut romantic ties with this person-- very hard considering her current state, but you have stuck by her long enough. You need to take care of yourself. Ask yourself, does she make me a better person? Am I happy with the way things currently are? I know in the past they were real good, but I don't think anyone should hang around in such a long term dire situation hoping that it'll get better.

 

This woman has a lot of issues to deal with. It's not simply about the alcohol and drugs. More often than not there is an underlying problem which forced them to turn to substances in order to dull the inner pain that they feel. This is something that probably dates back well before you came into her life and she really needs to face these demons alone.

 

My thoughts go out to you. Try to stay as strong as possible and keep on using family, these boards, and friends as much as possible. Please reconnect with those important in your life. Assuming you have done nothing to really wrong them outside of sticking with this woman for so long, go back to them asking for their emotional support. You don't need to say you were wrong to stick by her, but you might say you realized that you had to let her work things out and it was time for you to reconnect with those that are important in your life. You'll need this support as I really believe that you need to do your best in making a complete break from this woman and not hold her hand. It sounds harsh, but it's time for her take care of herself and not rely on someone's who's trust she has now violated over and over.

 

Hang in there.

Edited August 11, 2007 by TDFFFreak

[jaxfactor]

JF -

 

It's a very tough situation you're in and I feel for you. I have gone through quite a bit of substance abuse issue's with my children (22 and 24) and it tears your heart out. I have sent my son and daughter through rehab 7 times (3 for my son, 4 for my daughter) I have spent approximately $122,000 over the last 6 years on treatment. My daughter is 4 years sober and is a drug and alcohol counselor now. My son has been clean for about 15 months but is struggling with life skills due to his past use. I know enough about this disease to know that they can both relapse tonight. It's easy to blame yourself. I know because I've done it. I raised my children on my own from the time they were 8 and 10 years old. I love them but I've also let them go. You need to do the same thing. Your quality of life is important. Remember that.

 

My advice to you is don't blame yourself. Get therapy for yourself because the family becomes the "victim", it's important that you talk to someone. One of the best things you could do for your SO is to tell her that you love her, but that you will not be a part of the "abuse" anymore. Tell her that you want her to get well and that you will be open minded about a possible future with her but for now you're moving on. She needs to hear that. Those words might be the difference in her changing her life. With or without you.

 

Stay close to your friends. I don't know if you're a christian or not but believe me, prayer does help. It's honorable that you ask people to pray for her but you too need prayer. You have been through a LOT and you need to ask for God to give you strength, courage and wisdom through this. I will pray for you and your SO. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

 

Thanks Prof and all. Your thoughts on this mean more to me than you can imagine. Probably the only true friend I have left is a 65 year old retired ex-preacher who has told me countless times, "we can pray for her till we're blue in the face. She has to ask God for his help herself. It is then that God will hear her." I have begged her in the past to start talking and praying to God. He will help you.

She has told me countless times that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. Perhaps I am her crutch more than anything. It's time she learns to walk on her own. Her mom will take her up to Georgia to get help. I have absolutely no beef with that part of it as her mom is retired and can be there for her more than a working man like myself. I will probably leave it open for her to return if she's sober. But relapses are a concern to me which is why I should probably move on with my life. If/when she sobers up she will probably then realize what she had and threw away and will feel ashamed for it.

You all are wonderful and I appreciate all your responses. No, Twiley, you didn't come off too harsh at all. Sometimes it's just what one needs to hear. Goodnight all.

[H8tank]

What TDD said... then cover her in baby powder and put her in your pants.

[Ursa Majoris]

Not germane to JF specifically, just a side note.......these boards never cease to amaze me. If this isn't the best community on the Internet, I'd like to know what is.

 

to you all.

[whoopazz]

Not much to add to whats already been said, but I'd second the notion of seeing a therapist or something. Someone to talk to and get your feelings out. Keep your chin up and best wishes Jax.

[untateve]

A person can't be in a real (and successful) relationship until they have their person schit together. I've said that rather crassly but if your SO has all the problems you've detailed, she is in no position to be in a relationship. She has to deal with her own issues first. I would strongly consider letting her go to Georgia with her mother to get better. You can leave the door open but I believe with passing time and increased distance, you'll make the break permanent.

[Czarina]

Jax, you're getting some good advice here...except maybe for that baby powder thing

 

Letting go is very hard, but it's time. Be glad for her (and yourself) that there's someone there to take her in. You've learned a lot about how easy it is to hold onto the perfect image of a person who no longer exists in reality. Seek out counseling for yourself, or at the very least consider hooking up with Al Anon support for families. You'll find lots of folks and families who've been on the same road you are who WILL understand what you've been going through.

 

And keep talking here.

[tbimm]

A few on these boards know about my personal life and with that said if you want to talk shoot me a PM. Your issues are not at all different than mine! I think I can help you know that you arent alone in what your dealing with! I have reached out to others here with great results and so can you.

[I Like Soup]

Well, many good posts/advice and I love the Huddle for this very reason, among others.

 

I'll be honest, JF...I'm in the camp with letting go. I had a close chick friend and she was dating a guy who was an alcoholic and she was just being dragged along in his wake and quickly becoming a barfly herself (not gonna get in to the oter pleasantries of their "relationship", fights, etc.). She told me one day that she was strong and could take it. My response was something to the effect of, "being strong isn't a measure of how much crap you'll put up with and still stick around at your own expense, it is a measure of how much you respect yourself and pull the plug because you shouldn't have to put up with those things that truly hurt you." It takes strength of character to leave a situation like what you are in, as I see it. The easy way, as odd as it sounds, is to stick with it, to a degree. It is easier than the pain you go through letting go. I'd say you are many years in to not having enough respect for yourself. Your fiance has chosen substances over you for years, time for you to make yourself your first choice. Please note: I type this with the best of intentions.

 

Now, go get yourself a ticket to Vegas for WCOFF, go on a H8Tank love boat cruise, break coffee tables, hump lamps, drink with fellow Huddlers, walk in traffic sideways, hook up with 6 foot tall he-shes in the Hooters elevator, ogle chicks, etc. and start life anew!