wildcat2334 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Pretty much what I was thinking. On my wedding day, a long time ago admittedly, I just wanted everyone to have a great time. I have no idea who gave us what although my wife might know, I suppose - wimmins remember this stuff better, probably because they don't get as drunk. I could care less - We invited you, you spent money to come because you cared enough to do so and we got $hitfaced. I'm a simple man. +1 I remember right after my brother got married he and his wife (mainly) were sitting there telling me who brought what, and who didn't even bring a gift to their wedding- and on and on. All I could think was.........one more reason to not get married if you are so bored you sit around and talk about this chit. Tell her to get over it - although I have let the 1 year rule stretch out to never. Just sayin. edit: I have had a few close friends tell me to NOT get them anything- and if you are traveling siginificant distance, well, in my book, just coming is gift enough............ and I do like the east coast style of cash in the envelope- much easier for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alchico Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Here's my read on this: Boat_hacked and the missus (congrats, by the way!) are probably of ther ilk who never show up at a wedding without a gift. That four guests (three of which were family) did not bring a gift is shocking to them, to say the least. Bottom line is, it is OK for her to be a shocked and maybe even a little bit hurt. However, the wedding is about two lives joining as one, not checking names off on a gift list. I am sure she knows this and is just reacting to what is simply a hurtful situation. Quick story: I got married in October, 2005. There is a friend of ours that has been to several family weddings and not once brought a gift. We knew this going in and invited him anyway. Not only did he not bring a gift, he did not show. Such is life. We had three others who did not bring gifts. Oh well. Our wedding was a blast and our honeymoon rocked and we've never discussed it since. You two will probably come to the same realization. By the way...we got a message from the caterer a few days after the wedding...an envelope for us was found in the ladies' room. It is possible that gifts get lost, you know. I would be very careful judging a person based on your gift tally as any number of things could have happened (see bolded above) I went to a wedding a long time ago and got so drunk i forgot to give the couple the card that was in my inside suit pocket. Since i rarely wore the coat it was several months before i realized that the envelope was still in the pocket. An envelope could fall off the gift table and the person finding it the next day while cleaning up might not be so honest, as in the example above. Tread lightly on this issue as being upset at a family member or friend over a gift at your wedding isn't worth the trouble. It should be about the day not the gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DemonKnight Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Get an annulment...now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) You don't confront them, we had numerous people not give gifts and I shelled out almost $100 a person for the bums to eat and drink for free. i guess what I'm saying is that it shouldn't be that high on your priority list to concern yourself about. Edited January 24, 2008 by twiley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 if someone is expecting to use the up-to-one-year rule, and they get a "thank you" card for showing up, that is going to seem like you are assuming they are a cheapskate. the up-to-one-year rule is, IMO, exactly why you DON'T send a thank you card for no gift. it's calling attention to something they either just haven't done yet, or possibly something they feel guilty about. The one year rule I will assume is probably used by under 10 % of the guests. I am not waiting a year to send the Thank yous for my wedding because of a small %age of people that are going under the 1 year rule. I also am not going to send out thank you cards 2 different times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 The one year rule I will assume is probably used by under 10 % of the guests. I am not waiting a year to send the Thank yous for my wedding because of a small %age of people that are going under the 1 year rule. I also am not going to send out thank you cards 2 different times. right, that's why you send the card in response to a gift. for 90%, that's right after the wedding. for 5%, it's sometime later. for a few people, it's not at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Simmer down, champ. Wedding etiquette says people have up to a year after the wedding to send gifts. This is most certainly true. And to add to this, especially if I am travelling to a wedding, I will always ship the gift if I am not giving cash. So the gift might be en route or backordered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) right, that's why you send the card in response to a gift. for 90%, that's right after the wedding. for 5%, it's sometime later. for a few people, it's not at all. Well I see this as a contradiction to your original thoughts in this thread. If I am sending a Thank you for sharing our special day with us card it shouldnt matter if the person gave a gift or not. You are saying that type of card should only be sent to someone who sent a gift . If a 1 year rule person saw that a gift on the spot person got a thank you and they didnt dont you think that would be a bigger slap in the face ? Staggering Thank you cards is more dangerous then not sending one at all. Everyone said the sharing in the day is what is most important which I agree with so everyone should get a thank you for doing that , no ? A person who feels a gift isnt mandatory shouldnt feel self conscious receiving a thank you card that doesnt address a gift but just addresses their presence was appreciated. Edited January 24, 2008 by whomper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
driveby Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Have you seen the movie Wedding Crashers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 At the risk of sounding like a homo...proper etiquette protocal (from people like Ann Landers) says it is in poor taste to bring the gift to the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Well I see this as a contradiction to your original thoughts in this thread. If I am sending a Thank you for sharing our special day with us card it shouldnt matter if the person gave a gift or not. You are saying that type of card should only be sent to someone who sent a gift . If a 1 year rule person saw that a gift on the spot person got a thank you and they didnt dont you think that would be a bigger slap in the face ? Staggering Thank you cards is more dangerous then not sending one at all. Everyone said the sharing in the day is what is most important which I agree with so everyone should get a thank you for doing that , no ? A person who feels a gift isnt mandatory shouldnt feel self conscious receiving a thank you card that doesnt address a gift but just addresses their presence was appreciated. it just strikes me as a potentially disingenuous and off-putting way to remind people that they didn't get you a gift. i would hope you thanked them for attending during the wedding itself. the exception i would make is if they travelled or spent anything more than gas money to be part of the day, then you send a thank you note even if no gift, and maybe a second one if they end up getting you a gift later. i don't think that contradicts anything else i've said in this thread. if a "thank you" note has even the slightest potential to make the recipient feel more guilty or lazy or like you're "on to them" than to make them actually feel thanked, then i just don't think that is a note worth sending, the negative outweighs the positive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H8tank Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 just finished opening wedding gifts from our guests. As we are going through the list, the SIL wrote down, we notice that FOUR guests and their dates who attended did not bestow a gift on us. The missus is a little steamed more than I as we spent considerable amount per person. My question:How would the huddle brethren tactfully confront the non-bearing attendees? Wow, what a selfish ahole... is this a Bill Slerpski alias? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H8tank Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 by any chance does your wife have a very dark tan and Hugh rack that looks good in frosting........ see iseelya, now this is Comedy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Country Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 True Wedding tales form my life: One of my best friends waited the year. It was a running joke with us as he told us what he was going to get, just never did until almost a year to the day. He was one of my groomsmen and I really didn't care. He was the one that mentioned it and made it a running joke. My wife and I sent him the thank you card, one year after he gave us the gift. I was then best man in his wedding. One of my other groomsmen did not get me a gift. I did not really expect him to, again, nor did I care. He provided plenty of entertainment at the wedding. He still swears he had a shot at nailing the DJ, which was far from true, it was the 25 shots of jack he had that made him think that. Anyway, fast forward 5-6 years later, and I am in his wedding. His gift to his groomsmen was Omaha Steaks. Umm, okay.. only problem is he never ordered them. So, now a bit of a running joke amongst us groomsmen. He is no less of a friend, I was there to support him in his wedding, not for a gift. Anyway, just some tales. Besides, who really needs 3 blenders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Have any of the people saying it is OK not to bring a gift ever gone to a wedding without bringing a gift ? Although a wedding gift isnt required I have always seen it as something nice you may do for a couple that they can use in or towards their new home or something like that. I didnt scrutinize my wedding guests on if or what they gave but speaking for myself I couldnt imagine going to a wedding empty handed. I am one that said it is okay and to answer your question the answer is no. I have never gone to a wedding without a gift. The gift from me is normally money but at the very least I am going to cover the cost of us being there. That being said, I am actually a pretty good gift giver for a first wedding but not a second or third. My wife has a friend that we have been to three complete blowout weddings that were all hers. First wedding was about 23 years ago and I hooked them up pretty good. 2nd wedding was 8 years after the first and I didn't learn my lesson and still hooked them up pretty decent. Third wedding was was about 6 years ago and I had my wife ask the bride how much each plate was costing them. I rounded it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 it just strikes me as a potentially disingenuous and off-putting way to remind people that they didn't get you a gift. i would hope you thanked them for attending during the wedding itself. the exception i would make is if they travelled or spent anything more than gas money to be part of the day, then you send a thank you note even if no gift, and maybe a second one if they end up getting you a gift later. i don't think that contradicts anything else i've said in this thread. if a "thank you" note has even the slightest potential to make the recipient feel more guilty or lazy or like you're "on to them" than to make them actually feel thanked, then i just don't think that is a note worth sending, the negative outweighs the positive. Person A: doesnt give a gift Person B: Gives a gift The Az wedding goes off . 4 months later the Az family is sending out thank you notes. Person B gets a thank you note from the Az family. Person A doesnt. person A is at Person Bs house one day and sees Az and his wifes picture on the guys fridge . Looks something like this . person A says to himself I wonder why I didnt get a thank you card for attending The Az wedding . It cant be because I didnt give a gift because I wouldnt recognize this concept as it is foreign to me. What gives ???? Person A says to Az during their next bridge game. Hey great picture of you and the Mrs I saw at Blaines house . When am I getting mine ?? What does Az say ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 truly, it is better to give than to receive. Surely Az isn't developing a Christ complex? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Menudo Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Creed Bratton will demonstrate in this video the proper way to handle gift-giving at a wedding (It's right in the beginning): Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Person A: doesnt give a gift Person B: Gives a gift The Az wedding goes off . 4 months later the Az family is sending out thank you notes. Person B gets a thank you note from the Az family. Person A doesnt. person A is at Person Bs house one day and sees Az and his wifes picture on the guys fridge . Looks something like this . person A says to himself I wonder why I didnt get a thank you card for attending The Az wedding . It cant be because I didnt give a gift because I wouldnt recognize this concept as it is foreign to me. What gives ???? Person A says to Az during their next bridge game. Hey great picture of you and the Mrs I saw at Blaines house . When am I getting mine ?? What does Az say ?? az sez, "only people who refrain from the annoying double-question mark thing get pictures" ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 az sez, "only people who refrain from the annoying double-question mark thing get pictures" ?? No further questions Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 My questions are regarding my recent wedding (10 days ago) which was an incredible learning experience. We had a destination wedding in Vegas and were shocked when 7 groups out of 17 attending did not give a card - never mind a gift. To date, we have received 2 gifts from the 15 or so who declined attendance. We did not register anywhere because we didn't really need anything and figured people would either give cash or send something to our home. My questions are as follows: 1. I thought it was proper to give a gift even if you didn't attend - but most certainly if you attend the wedding - is this accurate? I know I have been to many weddings and wouldn't think of ever coming empty handed! Even when not attending - I make sure to send a gift. Am I right? 2. Is there a different set of rules for destination weddings? 3. Should we send thank you cards to all who attended - even if they couldn't but a $3 card?? My initial thought was yes, but the more I think about it - they couldn't even buy a card??? 4. One person said that they had a full year to buy a gift. I thought that this rule applied to people who could not afford a gift at the time of the wedding (which is certainly not the case here!). This sounds very dumb to me - a full year? Please help! Thanks very much, Tom Dear Tom, Gifts should never be expected especially when it comes to a destination wedding or for the encore wedding. After all, you asked people to spend money to watch you get married. This is your day, not theirs. So, it is not viewed as 'special' to others as it does to you. 1. Some etiquette experts still believe that an invitation to a wedding is an obligation to give a gift. This is not something I and many like me believe. A gift should be from the heart. However, I believe that if someone attends a wedding, he should send a gift. We shouldn't expect it though. 2. An invitation to a destination wedding should never obligate someone to give a gift. This is an expense for the guests. We should be sensitive to this fact. 3. No. You would only send thank you cards to those who gave you a gift. Hopefully you did something special for those who did attend though. It is generous of them to travel to spend this time with you. 4. There is no such thing as a time limit on sending a gift. I don't know where these silly rules come from, but it is not true. It is also incorrect for some to think that they have a year to send thank you notes. These should be written and mailed as soon as the gifts arrive. Please focus on what is important. You married the person with whom you want to spend your days. This is the most important element. Best wishes, Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now http://www.etiquettenow.com seems right to me. if your cheap friend is over at your other friend's house when your other friend gets his thank you note for the gift he gave you, then the worst thing that happens is cheap friend gets reminded that he didn't get you a gift. i don't see how that remote possibility necessitates you preemptively reminding the cheap friend that he didn't get you a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlanta Cracker Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I don't remember who we didn't get gifts from but I do remember 1 serving bowl that six (count them 6) of my wife's grandmother's friends "chipped in on." So the six thank you notes for 1 gift kinda made me appreciate the folks who just didn't bother. I couldn't talk my wife into thanking each of them for the 1/6th of a bowl they gave us or sending a note to one of them addressed to all 6.... More than not getting gifts, I notice and remember people who don't send thank you notes at all for gifts we give. Even worse was my wife's boss' daughter who sent a phtocopied thank you insert that said "thank you for the gift" which was more of an insult than the outdoor August wedding in Atlanta they had. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) i agree with that. if it's some sort of quid pro quo to you (their dinner cost us a lot of money, so we expect a good gift) then i have to say you are being selfish and shallow. hopefully you experienced a great day with the people you care about, hopefully you enjoyed the gifts you got, and hopefully most of all you're happy to be embarking on your married life together. to be angry about not getting gifts amidst all of that just seems petty. sorry seems right to me. if your cheap friend is over at your other friend's house when your other friend gets his thank you note for the gift he gave you, then the worst thing that happens is cheap friend gets reminded that he didn't get you a gift. Seems that as the thread goes on you are now referring to the person that didnt give a gift as the cheap friend . Seems hypocritical to make that referance yet judge Boat Hacked's wife for insinuating that no gift was a little bit of a slight. Edited January 24, 2008 by whomper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Irish Doggy Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Aw, hell, just shot 'em and be done with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Seems that as the thread goes on you are now referring to the person that didnt give a gift as the cheap friend . Seems hypocritical to make that referance yet judge Boat Hacked's wife for insinuating that no gift was a little bit of a slight. there is no doubt it is a little cheap not to give a gift (i think i said it was 'tacky' in my very first post, so nothing has changed 'as the thread goes on'). the question is whether you should repay that with tackiness of your own, or just shrug it off. i think the etiquette chick i quoted said it well, "I believe that if someone attends a wedding, he should send a gift. We shouldn't expect it though." i do not think it is complicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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