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Neighbor really pissing me off.

Perchoutofwater

By Perchoutofwater,
in The Tailgate

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cliaz Huddler All-Pro

cliaz

Posted
Posted (edited)

Here's what you want to do:

 

Phase I

 

First, get her phone number and then go on line and begin signing her up on every marketing website you can find. Make sure to note hours when it is best to call her (follow the chart below for reference):

 

Site 1: Call between 6AM - 8AM (your time zone)

Site 2: Call between 7AM - 9AM (your time zone)

Site 3: Call between 8Am - 10AM (your time zone)

Site 4: Call between 3PM - 5PM (your time zone)

Site 5: Call between 4PM - 6PM (your time zone)

Site 6: Call between 5PM - 7PM (your time zone)

Site 7: Call between 6PM - 8PM (your time zone)

Site 8: Call between 7PM - 9PM (your time zone)

Site 9: call between 8PM - 10PM (your time zone)

Site 10: call between 9PM - 11PM (your time zone)

Site 11: Call between 10PM - Midnight (your time zone)

 

Then go to the websites below and submit her address for solicitation of donation pickups:

 

Red Cross

Purple Heart

Vietnam Vets Association

Salvation Army

Good Will

Big Brother Big Sister

 

This may sound somewhat wrong given the groups listed above but you have to think of it like this - if she says no, then karma will get her - if she says yes, then they get donations

 

Next, pull about $200 in cash out of the ATM (or withdraw from the bank) and sit on it for a month. Then, the next time you are driving at least an hour away from your house, stop into a 7-11 and get money orders in the amount of $30 to $40 each.

Then, the next time you are at a public IT cafe/library, go on line and download the order forms from various sex toy sites with her name but her other neighbor's address. Go home, fill them out with your non-writing hand, and put the money order in as needed.

Then, drive an hour away (next time you are that far out) and drop them in the mail. Her other neighbor will receive the toys and bring them over to her. She'll be mortified.

 

Okay, now we've established a base line of constant stress and confusion for her. You'll be enjoying this from afar. Now it's time to move to phase II...

 

 

Phase II involves turning up the frustration

 

Google the stinky meat project (safe for work)

 

At night, you'll want to throw 3 hotdogs into her gutters. This has two outcomes:

 

1. Rotting meat stinks to high hell

 

2. It will attract flies and other nasty things

 

Most people never think to check their gutters. It takes a long time for a hot dog to start to stink so it kind of has a grenade effect (pull the pin, wait a few then boom).

 

 

Next (and this is genius if I say so myself) you are going to execute operations Clover Sting.

 

You'll want to find and dig up clovers. Once you have a fair amount, one night plant them in various spots on the side of her that is away from your house (very import - you'll see in a bit).

 

While you are collecting clovers, get as many dandelion that are ready to spread their seeds and while planting the clovers, blow the seeds off of the dandelions and into her yard.

 

While you are waiting on them to take root and spread, you're going to collect baby food jars. Make sure you remove the labeling and keep the lids.

 

Now that the prep work is completed, this is what will happen....

 

1. You'll fill the baby food jars up with sugar water or syrup or plain old sugar - about half way.

 

2. Screw the lids on tight and punch holes (a fork will do just fine - you want the holes as small as possible but not too small)

 

3. Go into the corners of her yard late a night and bury the baby food jars so that the lid is flush with the ground. Cover the lid with clump of grass with roots intact and in soil. Make sure the holes are not covered up but that there is enough grass and dirt to conceal the fact they are there.

 

Now with the clovers, dandelions, and sugar jars in place, she will begin to see bees all over that side of the yard. They are very attracted to clovers and dandelions (honey bees) and once they smell the sugar from the covered jars, they'll go hard core trying to get to it. The thing is, they wont be able to reach the sugar and will get frustrated.

 

This is when you move to the final phase of Clover Sting...

 

Go and buy oil of anise (used in baking) and at night, dot a little on her car door handles, her front and back door handles and any other area you want bees. They are drawn to it like cats to catnip.

 

The bees will be frustrated because of the sugar jars and then become attracted to the oil of anise. Anyone coming near the oil of anise will be attacked.

 

The secondary affect of this is the ant infestation she'll get in her yard.

 

 

Phase III

 

Now she is frustrated that people had been calling her around the clock and even more upset at the bee and ant infestation. We're getting there but we're not done yet....

 

Go to a 3rd party internet terminal (library, take your laptop and drive a ways then jack a wi-fi signal from a person's house) and create a craigslist ad using your neighbor's information (address/phone number/name). The add should read as follows...

 

"-her age- year old female looking for male masters to spank her and cover her body in moist dog food. Must be a male of at least 280lbs, 45+ years of age, and open to various insertions."

 

Also, while you are doing that, place ads on craigslist with her info stating that "she has a PSIII/Wii/XBOX360 with 50 games and all the accessories she has to give away for free because her 'son' is acting up."

 

The another add stating "Free Blueray player and 36 inch flat screen LCD" and use the same 'son' back-story.

 

 

 

So at this point this is what we have....

 

Phase I

A few weeks of frustration at all the marketing calls, not-for-profit phone calls, and her other neighbor delivering sex toys to her house

 

Phase II

frustration at the foul smell and flies from the hotdogs

frustration at the bees and ants

 

Phase III

frustration at people calling her all the time for weird sex stuff

frustration at the return of people calling her all the time for free gadgets

 

Now we move in for the final two stages....

 

Phase IV

 

Plant pot seeds in her yard (if you have access to them, if not - see plan B )

 

Once the pot plants begin to grow, call the local police from a payphone (if you still have some around you) or from some public phone like in an office, etc.

 

Plan B....

 

Now you'll call whatever local authority you have (city hall, animal control, etc) and report her house has an infestation and that they need to come out right away.

 

Other items for phase IV if planting pot or calling animal control over the bees isn't your thing...

 

Smear strawberry jam in the inside of her spout drains. This attracts wasps really fast and they'll set up shop in her roof overhangs.

 

Give her address to all of the Jehovah witnesses you can find in the area. Just slip a piece of paper under the door of their church at night saying that she needs to be saved.

 

Put bread crumbs on her car at night. In the early morning hours, bird will show up, eat, and poop.

 

 

Phase V

 

When you know she will not be at home, call from a number that isn't traceable to you. Leave a message that you are a representative for whatever car company made her car and that you are calling to inform her that they do not have any records regarding her tire air.

 

Then go on to explain that it is imperative she come to the dealer ship and ask to have the summer air taken out of her tires and the winter air placed in in order to prepare for the fall time (reverse summer/winter depending on what time of year you do this).

She will feel very stupid by the end.

 

 

 

 

fin

Edited by cliaz
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cliaz Huddler All-Pro

cliaz

Posted
Posted
Cliaz, please tell me you copied and pasted that from somewhere... you didn't just spend like an hour typing up those instructions just now did you? That's insane in the membrane my friend! :lol::wacko::tup:

 

No copy+ Paste :tup:

 

You ask, I deliver

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jetsfan Huddler All-Pro

jetsfan

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I would vote ignore her, she isn't worth your time.

 

When hurricane Ike blew threw, we stayed in town and came to our house early the next morning on the back-side of the storm. We live on a lake, so I wanted to see if the house was still there. One of our neighbors did not secure their french doors adequately, on either the first floor or second. They of course blew open and their furniture and floors were covered with water. It was still raining and the winds were blowing straight in from the water, soaking their stuff more. We went in and shut their doors for them and moved a dresser in front of each so they wouldn't blow open again.

When they came home a couple days later, I told them what we had done, since their furniture had been moved from where they left it, and the guy got right up in my face and started yelling about me having no right going in his house.

I gave him a great big F off and haven't spoken to them since. D'bags like that are not worth your effort, move on.

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buddahj Huddler All-Pro

buddahj

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Posted (edited)
I would probably just ignore it for starters and if she persists then go ahead with the "Kiss my ass" approach.

+1

And Cliaz...awesome post. I know who I'm going to for ideas for April Fool's Day.

Edited by buddahj
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Perchoutofwater Huddler All-Pro

Perchoutofwater

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Ask her if there is anything about barking dogs in the Constitution, when she says "no there isn't" tell her it's typical that she is attacking the barking dog messenger because she can't attack the message.

 

You are starting to remind me of a dog, the way you are always following me around underfoot. You yip every now and then but rarely do anything worthwhile. Sometimes your fun to play with, but anyone that tries to have an intelligent conversation with you needs to have their sanity checked, as you are just as likely to get an intelligent response from a dog.

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bushwacked Huddler Hall Of Fame

bushwacked

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You are starting to remind me of a dog, the way you are always following me around underfoot. You yip every now and then but rarely do anything worthwhile. Sometimes your fun to play with, but anyone that tries to have an intelligent conversation with you needs to have their sanity checked, as you are just as likely to get an intelligent response from a dog.

 

You're clearly a victim of dogs, and neighbors who hate dogs, and huddlers who remind you of of a dog.

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