cre8tiff Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Not in a marriage. Just remember one thing. When you get married you vow to stay together through thick and thin. I believe that when I took those vows that they were more than words. First do what you can to rectify the mistake, second do what you can do to make sure you won't make it again, and third make sure she knows you love her. Actually, you might want to do step 3 first...and last. Tell her what you're going to do and why. 1309803[/snapback] The very best of advice here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Gotta pick your shots. The part that needs highlighting is when you feel you went behind her back. If you wanna play the be tough and set precedent route, then play your cards and hope for the best... the big D is one costly road. My only point rides on the going behind her back part. 1310936[/snapback] well to some people, going behind their back on a minor issue is a BIG issue. i guess each couple is different as far as how much slack they give and expect when it comes to honesty, fidelity, etc. what works for some people doesnt work for others. 1310982[/snapback] I recognize what you are saying. Savage Beatings obviously wasn't intending to be malicious. He was just trying to do right by his family and finances. There was no master plan for deception. It sounds to me like he wanted to surprise her with how good their finances worked out. "Going behind someone's back" is so adolescent to me. My wife and I are honest with each other and discuss big issues before they happen. We have our problems just like any other couple. But if she changed the withholdings on her paycheck to try and get to a zero sum game with the gubment and neglected to tell me it wouldn't even register on the issue scale. It's not like someone went out and committed to a hugh, frivolous car lease here. Where does 'going behind someone's back' start to become an issue of this magnitude? Is it when you finish the OJ and don't leave any for your spouse AND forget to tell her? Something bigger like making a purchase in the vicinity of 4 figures without talking about it? Something smaller like taking a #2 and not checking if it was okay? If something like that became an issue in my house I would just need to know it was a real issue. As I have said before this really sounds trivial, and I would communicate that to my wife. And I do not pretend to speak for Savage Beatings and what he should do. This is just about what works for me. He (and everyone really) needs to do things in a way that works for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSab Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 You didn't screw up, you made a decision that made sense to you. I think she is alying a guilt trip on you because she had the money spent aalready. Seem s like you needed it more that n the Gov. did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NSab Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 One point where you screwed up was by not telling her you did it sooner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 You didn't screw up, you made a decision that made sense to you. I think she is alying a guilt trip on you because she had the money spent aalready. Seem s like you needed it more that n the Gov. did. 1311120[/snapback] Well, the decision was a sound one, but again it was the fact that I did not include her in the decision that wasn't right... and I acknowledge that I was wrong about that. Everything else that we have done has really been a mutual decision, so this did not follow the modus operandi of our family to date. That's what really threw her. Her expectations were based upon last year's return. The swing in our refund between this year and last year was substantial... substantial! And yes, she understands that we have been enjoying that money throughout the year instead of getting it back in one lump sum without interest... but besides dealing with some trust issues over this, she also is trying to cope with the idea that we do not have a big sum of money coming in this Spring. Man was she hot! Things have cooled off now, and all will be well, but only once before have I seen her this upset. Those baginas really mess with their minds! :ducks: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiegie Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Question: What happened to the extra take-home pay that you got after you adjusted your W2's? I'm sure your wife would have had absolutely no problem if you had taken the extra take-home pay and put it into a bank-account and earned interest on it over the past year--so that when she asked where the tax refund was you could say "We aren't getting one... but we do have this savings account that has even more money in it than we would have gotten with a tax-refund." If you just frittered the extra income away over the course of the year, then I can understand why she got mad--getting a tax-refund might be a terrible way to save money, but if you aren't going to save money without it, then perhaps it isn't so bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whiskey Pimp Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I'm happy to hear that things worked out SB. But here are my thoughts: You made a decision without discussing with her = wrong She was already spending the money from a return without discussing with you =wrong You're tied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 the biggest thing i can't get over is how this became a marriage threatening issue. i don't know how long you guys have been married, or if you have kids, but when something of this nature comes up, it should go nowhere near wondering if the marriage will survive. i don't know if you were being casual with that comment, but something is wrong or there are other problems if this alone would bring your marriage into question. it is nice that she cooled down, but asking her if she was staying should just not happen. the first assumption is that the marriage will last and you are both committed working out whatever comes up. unless you have a pattern of dishonesty and not telling your wife many other things you do, this isolated incident should just be dealt with by talking it out. my reco is to change your tone from worrying about the marriage ending to working through everything together. you have to have that agreement and security for a relationship to survive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 the biggest thing i can't get over is how this became a marriage threatening issue. i don't know how long you guys have been married, or if you have kids, but when something of this nature comes up, it should go nowhere near wondering if the marriage will survive. i don't know if you were being casual with that comment, but something is wrong or there are other problems if this alone would bring your marriage into question. it is nice that she cooled down, but asking her if she was staying should just not happen. the first assumption is that the marriage will last and you are both committed working out whatever comes up. unless you have a pattern of dishonesty and not telling your wife many other things you do, this isolated incident should just be dealt with by talking it out. my reco is to change your tone from worrying about the marriage ending to working through everything together. you have to have that agreement and security for a relationship to survive. 1311227[/snapback] what he said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDFFFreak Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 (edited) I can't understand this mentality. I agree that apologizing is a good idea. Once. The transgression is minor. How does making more of it in excessive apology help? Part of getting along is communication and compromise. part of it is also recognizing what are little issues and what are big issues. Whether you look at this as what was done financially or that what was done financially wasn't communicated, it's still minor. I'd treat it like that, and if my wife tried to make it into more I would simply ask what else was bothering her. Because this can't be that bad. 1310909[/snapback] That's where the long, deep talk comes in... Oh yeah, I am happy to hear everything is going to be fine in Beatings land. Edited February 8, 2006 by TDFFFreak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thews40 Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 what he said. 1311319[/snapback] I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I recognize what you are saying. Savage Beatings obviously wasn't intending to be malicious. He was just trying to do right by his family and finances. There was no master plan for deception. It sounds to me like he wanted to surprise her with how good their finances worked out. "Going behind someone's back" is so adolescent to me. My wife and I are honest with each other and discuss big issues before they happen. We have our problems just like any other couple. But if she changed the withholdings on her paycheck to try and get to a zero sum game with the gubment and neglected to tell me it wouldn't even register on the issue scale. It's not like someone went out and committed to a hugh, frivolous car lease here. Where does 'going behind someone's back' start to become an issue of this magnitude? Is it when you finish the OJ and don't leave any for your spouse AND forget to tell her? Something bigger like making a purchase in the vicinity of 4 figures without talking about it? Something smaller like taking a #2 and not checking if it was okay? If something like that became an issue in my house I would just need to know it was a real issue. As I have said before this really sounds trivial, and I would communicate that to my wife. And I do not pretend to speak for Savage Beatings and what he should do. This is just about what works for me. He (and everyone really) needs to do things in a way that works for them. 1311031[/snapback] When someone reacts to a situation all out of proportion than what you would expect...it might lead you to wonder if they have had similar experiences in the past that makes this a hot-button. So maybe SB's wife has a 'thing' about openness having nothing specifically to do with him, but in general. It's good to know these things about your mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 (edited) When someone reacts to a situation all out of proportion than what you would expect...it might lead you to wonder if they have had similar experiences in the past that makes this a hot-button. So maybe SB's wife has a 'thing' about openness having nothing specifically to do with him, but in general. It's good to know these things about your mate. 1311960[/snapback] I don't disagree in the least. Earlier in the thread I posted that there must be some other, underlying issue. Not that he is, but if SB had been a lying scumbag with his wife for the last few years that would change the picture. If he has been a stand up guy, which seems to be pretty clear, then this is a thing that makes you go Hmmmmm.... Edited February 7, 2006 by Caveman_Nick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexgaddis Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 When someone reacts to a situation all out of proportion than what you would expect...it might lead you to wonder if they have had similar experiences in the past that makes this a hot-button. So maybe SB's wife has a 'thing' about openness having nothing specifically to do with him, but in general. It's good to know these things about your mate. 1311960[/snapback] So you are saying she got cheated on by past boyfriends and has a trust issue...go on Dr. Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Czarina Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 So you are saying she got cheated on by past boyfriends and has a trust issue...go on Dr. Phil 1312024[/snapback] Doesn't have to be past boyfriends. Could be family, anyone in close relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Well, I took your advice... when my wife got home from work I smacked her around a little bit, then told her to shut up when she started whining about it... then I told her to get in her kitchen and make me some dinner pronto, but it wasn't very good so I threw it on the floor and told her to clean that chit up! Once she stopped crying, I told her that she owed me some make up sex. Problem solved. 1310682[/snapback] Glad it worked out. She must have thought that not only did you keep something from her, you kept something from her each and every time you got a pay check with lower withholdings. Tell her that actually you only acted one time to change the allowances on your earnings. Not more, not less. Obviously the point that you did the right thing in getting your refund closer to squat is beside the point. Ask her if she remembers the black skirt that she bought in May or the blue shoes that she got in September. Tell her to bring them back since you'd better start waiting until April from now on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunther Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Just to stop the speculation, basically I went behind her back and changed my withholdings on my paycheck so that we would come closer to even on our tax returns. She was expecting, and planning for a big return. I knew that there wouldn't be one, but wasn't honest with her about it. So, it's not as if we are out any money... we've had it all along instead of giving it to the government as a type of savings account... but it's the part where I didn't tell her about it that has her very very upset with me. I wasn't even really intentionally trying to keep it from her. I didn't know that she had plans to spend our return. I was just going to surprise her by showing how efficient we could be by not withholding so much. Yep... not a good surprise as it turns out. I feel horrible about it. And yes, I've told her as much. 1309842[/snapback] The Mrs. and I are going through this right now. After doing the taxes this year and the resulting refund I was shocked (prior two years we have had to pay penalties, unfortunately, for dipping into our 400K due to personal reasons...family related, not related to ourselves). Right now we seem to be in agreement that I would estimate it down to cover 3/4 of the refund we got this year...I am actually looking to apply the extra take home in paying down/off debts and adding more to our monthly savings budget. Hope you get this worked out Savage. I can understand why she is upset because she was planning on the refund (and that you did this w/o letting her know...in her eyes that is probably bothering her as well). I say I understand because my wife is the same way...but we are working through it before I put in the paperwork. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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