spain Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 As I type this email, I am sitting on a balcony drinking some delicious French wine in the port city of Marseille, France on the French Riviera! Yes, I do suck! But it doesnt suck to be me! We left the 102 degree tempetures of Nashville at 4:00 pm on Thursday afternoon and arrived in beautiful and mild Barcelona Spain on Friday morning at 11:00 am. The weather in the Med is about 80 degrees right now. I cant sleep on an airplane so I decided to do the 2 things that I am best at: drink and talk to people. I think all 280 people onboard that 767 out of Atlanta now know me and my life story. And for just for listening, I gave them all a small momento of our cherished 9 hour plane ride to Europe: an ass hair sample! They all appreciated my southern hospitality. My wife slept the entire trip! I did watch a couple movies: Blades of Glory(funny as hell with Will Ferrell doing his usual schtick) and Shrek the Third(should have stopped at 2). Bought some Euro's at the airport in Barcelona. For those who dont know, the US dollar sucks! $500 will get you $348 Euros. Not good for Uncle Sam right now! Caught a cab over to the Hitlon Diagonal Mar. Our room was on the 22nd floor overlooking the city and the ocean! Very nice hotel if you dont mind blowing $450 per night! All the rooms have hardwood doors and floors and that scandavian mod furniture. Really cool looking hotel actually! Went up to the bar on top of the hotel. Drank with a bunch of other Americans who were also on various cruises out of Spain. I hadnt slept but I wasnt going to sleep until it was night there. Got dressed and went to Las Ramblas. Las Ramblas is the very old city center with the most incredible architecture! And it is essentially 1 enourmous outdoor mall that stretches down every street and alley for miles and miles and miles. Ive traveled all over the world and never seen anything like it. Lots of outdoor restaraunts and bars. Millions of people everywhere but most were Europeans. Not many Americans in Spain this time of year. We ate tapas and drank Sangria until around midnight with 2 couples from Liverpool England. I have no idea what those dam Limey's have done to our language but I could barely understand a word they said. I kept imploring them to speak English, but they just wouldnt listen. The English know ALOT more about American culture than me, thats for sure. Of course, they get all of their information on the United States from watching Jerry Springer and Maury Povich, so at least they are getting the cultureal elite's of our country! I got drunker than cooter brown off that god dam Sangria. I can drink alot of beer and alcohol. Trust me on that one guys. But Sangria always kicks my ass. Finally stumbled back to the room around midnight, drunk, exhausted, and horny. The wife was only drunk and exhausted so we went to sleep. Saturday we went to the beach across the street from the hotel. For those who have never been to the beaches of Europe, the women dont wear tops! Of course, I was offended with alll manner of lucious and delicious melons staring me right in the face. It was a virtual cornocopia of boobaliciousness! You know the old saying, "if you have seen one areola, you want to see them all". It was in a word, AMAZING! I love Spain but havent been to Barcelona before this trip. The beach was fantastic! One small issue: The concept of back waxing, lazer hair removal, or any other sort of dipilatory treatment has yet to reach our European brethern. Most of the men their have more body hair than an Angorra goat. Its gross and disgusting. But I can overlook that with so many naked titties flopping around. The other problem is that European men wear a little marble bag instead of a regulation bathing suit. I really aint trying to see some dude in a banana hammock. Much less big fat hairy gross non-english speaking men in one. My bathing suit on the other hand looks like a dress that a flapper from the roaring 20's might wear. It goes from just under my nipples all the way to my knees. Is it wrong to have deodorant stains on your bathing suit? Perhaps it is pulled up a little high! I hurt may shoulder last winter and havent been able to exercise all year. No weights, no running, no swimming. Mid forties and I am falling apart like a cheap watch. I am a fat disgusting tub of goo with a hairy ass. But I decided to swim in the Med. My shoulder felt better than it has in 8 months. I could swim with no pain. It was incredible. And I can float in the Med. I cant float in any other ocean or swimming pool. I have the buoyancy of a bowling bowl. But the Med must be salty becuase I can float for hours here. I have no idea why. We are on the Oceania Nautica. The ship is incredible. I have cruised many times on several different lines and this one is by far the best. Its upscale without the super outrageous cost. Ive never had a Butler before until now. I have no idea what to do with this guy. But he gets me whatever I want. We are in France now. I went over there this morning and drank some of that coffee that they serve in a thimble size cup that tastes like used motor oil. It sucked and the french suck. I love Spainiards. I love the Italians. I love the English. Heck, I even love the Germans. But I dont like the French, Sam I am. I dont like them here or there. I dont like them anywhere. I dont like their attitude, their language, their culture, nothing about them. Except I do have a fierce lust for their wines. But thats it. Today just confirmed that I dont like the French. Got back on the boat and will be having the butler fetch me some tea and crumpets here in a bit. More later if I can time and can stay sober. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbimm Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 I have been trying to talk my GF into a cruise and she is so opposed to it. She says she doesnt have to ride on a big preppy boat to go overseas. I think she would have too much fun and I would enjoy the sceanery. Have fun Spain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 I am so jealous. I am going to let the bride read this. You are the man!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geeteebee Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Um, note to Spain. The Med is salty cuz the euros use it as a toilet. Hope you had a nice swim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Um, note to Spain. The Med is salty cuz the euros use it as a toilet. Hope you had a nice swim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuke'em ttg Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 So Ahhh........has the wife picked up the Swimsuit culture..........i'm sure you've got room in those trunks for a camera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pope Flick Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 While you're in Spain - drink Rioja, perferably 94-95. Although no wine expert, I am of the opinion that European wineries only ship their Sega! over here. An 'regular' bottle of wine you purchase in Europe always seems to smoke a $40 bottle you have to hunt down here. That's just my .02 Where is the picture of 'Spain in Spain?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted August 12, 2007 Share Posted August 12, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted August 13, 2007 Author Share Posted August 13, 2007 I am not sure where I left off and I lost part 2 to my trip report somehow. Anyway these reports will be short and sweet because internet is $1 per minute. I finally woke my wife up yesterday afternoon because she was hung over all morning. I went into Marseille alone for a walk in the morning. It reminded me why I cannot stand the French. In a word, they suck. They are rude, arrogant, and unfriendly. They wont even give you the courtesy of saying, “I don’t speak English”. They just stand there and look at you and shrug when you speak to them in English. They are all El Guapos. And filthy! I appreciate that the French people love for their dogs. In Marseille, everyone brings their dogs wherever they go. But none of them clean up after FiFi when she drops a deuce. Michael Vick has less dogSega! in his backyard than the average sidewalk in Marseille. The entire city smells of piss, vomit and dogSega!. I saw at least 3 separate pools of last night’s regurgitation on various sidewalks here. And the waves of urine stench will absolutely take your breath away. The French are nasty basturds who think any alley is a urinal. Did I mention I can’t stand French people? Sure there is the off the charts architecture, the 1000’s of outdoor cafes, the incredible food and wine, the history (Marseille is the site of the prison made famous in The Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas), and the magnificient landscape. It is an incredible city to behold, unfortunately it is inhabited by French people. The wife resurrected and we decided to walk the 45 minute trek up to Notre Dame de la Gard. If you come to Marseille, you absolutely must walk up to this site. The streets and alley ways are of such a steep grade that we had to stop often. The roads are crooked and winding, with shops, bars, restaurants at every turn. And since it is Europe, everything is very very old. We finally made it up to the top and went inside this magnificient church/shrine perched high above the city/harbor. The view up there is spectacular. They were conducting mass while we were there, so I took mass. No I am not catholic, but I did try to wipe out virginity at 2 Catholic girls schools when I was in high school. Some hot chick was singing in French during the mass. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind of whether she had ever shaved her armpits or crotch and what wonderfully strange smells would be emanating from her body. No, not typical mass thoughts, but I am not the typical churchgoer either, and if there is a God I can explain that to him at a later date. The Priest spoke totally in French and wore a lovely white dress with a pretty green shawl. I found him to be a handsome man and oddly attractive to me. We came back down the mountain and decided to sit at an outdoor café along the beautiful harbor. The waitress was French, and I hate to be redundant, but she was a complete bitch. We had a few drinks and did my favorite thing to do on vacation: People Watched. Mostly there are Europeans here on holiday. They come here in august every year to enjoy the sea and the great weather. And the weather was absolutely gorgeous. Off the charts gorgeous. It is surreal to be here. Came back to the ship and drank wine and ate. The food on this ship is gourmet and better than I have ever had on a ship. I highly recommend Oceania to those of you who want to enjoy a luxury cruise at a premium cruise price. Did I ever mention that old Jewish ladies from New York are ALWAYS attracted to me. I don’t mean the hot Jewish chicks with the flawless skin and the fake tits. No, I mean the 65 to 85 year old F.O.P’s(SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS !!!in Old People) who like to bitch about everything from the weather to their bad hips. I don’t know if they feel sorry for me. Or maybe they notice the incongruity between my accent and my vocabulary and think they can mother into having a New York accent. Or maybe they just have good taste in men. But old rich Jewish New Yorker woman always gravitate to me. Well, Mona from the upper east side of Manhattan found me last night and latched onto to me like Angelina Jolie onto an orphaned African kid. She was about 70, obviously very wealthy as she was dripping with Jewelry, and had a very thick accent. She told me that she got pick pocketed for $35K worth of jewelry in the Barcelona airport. I told her if my wife lost $35k in jewelry that she would also lose 2 teeth and her consciousness for about 15 minutes because her jaw would meet my infamous left hook and my equally deadly straight right hand. She looked at me strangely for a second until I winked at her, then she laughed for at least 5 minutes. She then bought us a couple of $750 bottles of wine and gave me her whole history. I tuned her out as that delicious wine was savored by every taste bud on my tongue. I swear that wine is incredible as it tingled her nerve ending in my body. I gave give details if any are interested. Today I spent in Monte Carlo, Monaco. I will give details of this city later as I have to go get some more wine. But let me say this, Monte Carlo is where only the SUPER WEALTHY live. I thought I was doing ok, but let me assure you that I am slumming it compared to these folks. Mercedes are common as Fords. Bentleys, Rolls, Lamberginis, and the like are what everyone drives here. I might as well be a starving tribesman in the Sudan compared to the people of Monte Carlo. More later if I can find a way to post this… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codwagon Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 I swear that wine is incredible as it tingled her nerve ending in my body. I gave give details if any are interested. good read. keep having fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loaf Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeeman Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Very entertaining - spain is doing a great job here. he should be a travel writer..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Like the Eye-talian wimmin, the Catholic schoolgirl will also remove her top for nearly any occassion to anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rajncajn Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Spain's idea of a luxury cruise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nogohawk Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Spain's idea of a luxury cruise Keep up the travel writings spain and enjoy the vino! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evil_gop_liars Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Please wear your pink shirt and wave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Please wear your pink shirt and wave. That may have as many hits as the African Watering Hole thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bier Meister Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egret Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxfactor Posted August 14, 2007 Share Posted August 14, 2007 That may have as many hits as the African Watering Hole thread. We need to get spain in there. Looks like plenty of innernet in nere. Why am I having horrible thoughts of spain coming up to the camera and showing us his ass hairs? Looks like a blast. Have a blast spian. At least you only had one stop in France. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted August 15, 2007 Author Share Posted August 15, 2007 (edited) Monte Carlo, Monaco is everything you can possibly imagine and more. This is NOT where merely the rich live. This place is only for the SUPER Wealthy. You pull into the port and are just amazed how they built this city into the side of a steep mountain. And better yet why? I think the why they built it is because the Onassis and Rockefellers and their ilk needed a place to park their gigantic yachts with their helicopters on the back! In any event, this place is incredible. We climbed up the steep hills and took the tour of the castle. Prince Albert lives here although we didn’t get to see him running around with any of his children, bastards or otherwise. We then went to the Jaques Cousteau museum, and then finally over to the Mecca for gamblers everywhere: The Grand Casino! I stood there in awe as I gazed upon the most famous casino in the world. I kissed the earth at the steps of the front of the visage that is so prominently displayed in Casino Royale and other Bond movies. Well, I didn’t so much kiss the ground as I licked the hot asphalt as there is not 1 single inch of undeveloped land in Monte Carlo. But you get the jest of it. And then the unthinkable happened. As I ascended the stairs to enter the hallowed halls of the shrine to gamblers everywhere, I was stopped by two pompously dressed soldiers who informed me that La Grand was closed! I felt just like Clark Griswold who drove all the way across the country only to discover that WallyWorld was closed! This was not going to end well. I explained that I had flown and sailed halfway around the world to play cards at The Grand and that was exactly what I was going to do, with or without their permission. They assured me that there were wonderful card games inside the prison right down the mountain. But if I wanted to wait a couple hours, La Grand opened at 2:00. So, instead of finding out if European jails are really as bad as they say, I walked over to the Hotel de Paris to drink really bad expensive coffee and people watch. This $750 per night hotel is beyond words and the people there were just stunning. I could have just stayed at their al fresco café and watched the beautiful people coming into the lobby all day. But again, the police may have taken an interest in my leering. I did wind up going into the Grand and a couple of other casinos. They have better blackjack rules than Vegas. Everything is clean and beautiful and I really enjoyed making an ass out of myself. Princess Grace (the former American movie star Grace Kelly) died in a car crash here some 25 years ago. But they are still completely obcessed with her. Her pictures and stories about her are on monuments EVERYWHERE. I understand she was a very beautiful woman. I understand that she brought a fresh new identity to Monaco. I understand her children still miss their mother. But for God sakes let her go! She is dead and aint ever coming back. I actually went into the Grace Kelly museum but didn’t pay the 15 Euro’s for the tour because I had learned more than I ever cared to know about her just reading the signs prominently displayed throughout the city. Unless they had a couple pics of her banging the entire football team a few barnyard animals, then there wasnt anything else I needed to see. Their national identity seems to be completely tied to her and the collective town seems to have never accepted her tragic death. So, I decided to go buy a couple of bottles of wine and drowned my sorrows too. The people of Monaco speak French. But unlike people in France, these folks are very nice and are happy to have you there. Instead of an incredibly misplaced superiority complex that you notice in France, these people are friendly and eager to please. The difference between Monaco and her neighboring country is incalculable. I love Monte Carlo and her citizens. And the French wine I bought there was off the charts. I highly recommend you visit this port city when you are in the Med. Next we went to Rome. This is my 3rd trip to Italy and I must say it is my favorite country in Europe. I would love to live in Italy and probably will some day. The people are always great to me here. The food, the culture, the people, the history is all simply amazing. I can’t get enough of Italy actually. I have never been inside the Vatican though so we decided to brave the 1 and ½ hour line to go inside. We saw the Sistene Chapel and at least 50 other rooms that were just as beautiful. Whether you are Catholic or not (I am not) you must do a tour of the Vatican at least once in your lifetime. If for nothing else, to see about 10,000 statutes with their penis’s cut off. What up with the dickless statutes anyway? Somebody in there was a weiner hater. I am thinking it had to be some lesbian nuns back in the day but that’s my own personal theory. But the artwork and architecture were so much more than I expected. It was amazing. Somebody asked me if I wasnt somewhat disappointed in the Vatican. Let me say that I was completely blown away by it. Not the spritual aspects as if this church ever had a spiritual element, it has long sense disappeared. But the historical, artistic, archetectural, and astetic aspects were beyond belief and far surpassed my expectations. Then we went over to the The Spanish Steps and then the Trevi Fountains where I always like to hang out and eat when I am in Rome. Did I mention that I dig Italian chicks? Speaking of which, our guide on the bus, Patricia, had a mustache like a 1970’s porn star. Seriously, the woman had more hair than Ron Jeremy and weighed in at some 250 pounds. But she was funny as hell and we all fell in love with her right away. We then went over to the Coliseum. It is more incredible each time I see it. I can imagine some dude 2000 years ago from the countryside who had never even seen a building other than a mud hut, coming to Rome for the first time and seeing that monstrous structure. I wonder what he would have thought? Probably something along the lines of, “So that’s where I am going to be fed to the Lions”. Anyway, if you see nothing else in Rome, you must go down to this area. That’s if for now. I am going to Florence and Pisa today. Tomorrow is the Amalfi coast! Ciao baby! Edited August 15, 2007 by spain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuke'em ttg Posted August 15, 2007 Share Posted August 15, 2007 ........great as usual.........I like the word........ " Leering" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Holy Roller Posted August 15, 2007 Share Posted August 15, 2007 Thanks Spain, for the updates. You are a Renaissance man. Oh, while you're in Pisa make sure you take a picture that makes it look like you're holding up the Tower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isleseeya Posted August 15, 2007 Share Posted August 15, 2007 Awesome spain ...coliseum is breath taking and simply astounding when you stand in there imagining the history of it Its my understanding that the Pope left town as soon as you hit the vatican ...something about running away from "el Diablo " Keep the updates coming as it is great reading and have fun Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted August 15, 2007 Share Posted August 15, 2007 You didn't see the teethmarks on the statues? Great report. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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