I have no idea what I'm doing at this point.

[Square]

So where should I start? I never really thought I’d be posting personal stuff of this nature on the web, but I really need to vent and right now I don’t know who to talk to. I’ve known my wife since we were 14 and not many of our friends know anything is going on. So imaginary interweb friends… Here is my story.

 

A little over a month ago life was good. We had just moved into a much bigger and nicer new house at the end of March. We were pregnant with our second child, lots of smiles, lots of sex, happy family. We had just told her parents that we were expecting on that Saturday. We hadn’t told anyone else but my wife is very close to her family and was dying to tell someone. That Tuesday she calls me at work and says that she has been bleeding some and is having a lot of cramps. We made an appointment the next day and the doc pretty much confirmed that she was having a miscarriage. My wife was devastated. I guess these things actually happen more often than people think but after our first pregnancy went flawlessly (we have a 15 month old girl) we didn’t think it would happen to us. The doc told me that just his office averages over one per week. None of this helps my wife who is very emotional. That next week was very hard. I actually did a decent job of taking the news in stride. My wife was so sad that I felt like I had to stay strong. So I was trying to be very supportive and upbeat most the time. My sarcasm doesn’t do well on the internet so despite how boring I may seem here, I’m actually pretty funny in real life (at least my mom says so). Basically, I just tried to be strong and make her laugh whenever I could. Between that and our daughter being pretty awesome I felt like we were going to do ok. We’d just wait a few months and try again to have another child. In the weeks after that my wife started to get mad. Not really with me per se, just upset in general. I think it was just that part of the grieving time. But it’s difficult to work, help with the kid, and have a spouse that is grumpy for weeks at a time. I started to fall behind at this point. I really wasn’t vacant but my wife was tired a lot so I tried to work on projects or just play video games when she fell asleep during the day and early at night. On some level I was just trying to do what I had to so I could get by. This went on for awhile.

 

This last week or so, my wife started being more withdrawn. Usually she is downright needy about being in the same room, sitting next to each other, etc. I didn’t really get worried until she started doing this for a few days in a row. A couple days ago I started to get worried and had bad ideas creep into my mind. I mean I’ve know this woman for half of my life and we’ve been together for over a decade. I know when something is up and this just didn’t feel right. So my cynicism kicked in. She seemed tense at times when we were close. Like she wanted to tell me something but then never did. The dark thought in the back of my mind was that she was messing with some other guy. Now, my wife really is the loyal type. She doesn’t put herself in bad positions and she doesn’t flirt with people. So Wednesday night I stop to bring home pizza for her and the kid since my wife sounded like she was having a bad day and didn’t want to cook. I don’t really remember what started the argument but basically she started asking if I was happy with her. I said that this last week has sucked because she has been so withdrawn but in general I’m fine. It’s just been a hard month with everything that has gone. We kind of go back and forth and eventually I put the question to her. Is there some other guy? She says yes. I’m floored. Immediately she says she just “talked” with him and nothing physical happened. I actually believe her on that part but that doesn’t really help. She said she wasn’t going to talk to him anymore. She wants to “fall back in love with me”. I’m still kind of reeling at this point. I kind of tell her that I don’t understand how that works.

 

She has really changed over the years (not physically…she is still very hot). She just doesn’t have many of the same interests. We used to…well, party. Now, she barely drinks, doesn’t really have many close friends (complains about mine). Basically, Momnesia has erased a portion of the woman that I did originally fall in love with. Anyway, that night ends with me telling her to let me cool off for awhile. I have a few drinks and eventually sit next to her on the couch and we watch some TV. Thursday was tough for me. All day, there are things going through my head. I mean we have a daughter so it’s not so easy to just split up. Everything is complicated. I try to work that day but it’s just hard to focus. I’m kind of stewing all day. We exchange a few non-affectionate emails at work about people coming into town this weekend. I come home and she has dinner ready. I don’t say a lot but we aren’t being mean to each other at all. The kid goes to bed fairly early and my wife was going to go jogging with her girlfriend. So she stretches and takes off. I have a few stiff drinks and catch up on some DVR in the basement. She comes home and just yells down the stairwell that she is home. I’m a little upset that she doesn’t even make the effort to come down and hang out with me (maybe 9:15 at night). She ends up telling me later that she was just sore and going down the stairs looked like too much work. Either way, I’m just not in a good place mentally and I’m trying to come to bed at a few minutes after 10. We talk a little but I had a pretty short fuse at this point. I basically told her that I feel like she cheated on me and something to the affect that I hope she dies as I walk out of the bedroom and sleep down the hall in the spare room. I fully admit that this is probably one of the dumbest things I’ve said in my life. I was just so mad and it does hurt to think about her flirting with some doc at work all day, so you (on some level) want to get back and the person that hurt you. Anyway, first thing this morning I walk in and say I’m very sorry for what I said. It was over the line and I never should have said that. She says that nobody should ever say something like that to another and that she is planning on staying with her mom this weekend. She follows that up with telling me that she doesn’t even know what she wants anymore and she doesn’t want to talk to me. I tell her that I’m sorry I’m not taking the news that she cheated on me very well (apparently I’m sarcastic even when fighting). She said something to the affect that she didn’t cheat or “that’s not what happened”. She stormed off to work and took the kid to her parents (they normally watch our daughter but I take her there in the mornings). I sent her a text message this morning that said “I’m sorry for what I said. To me it feels like you cheated and its kinda killing me inside. I still love you and I do want to work this out. Maybe counseling?”

 

And that is the state of my life right now. I have no idea if this is going to work out. Most people don’t even know about the miscarriage so it’s hard to break out a bunch of secrets about how this all got started. I do think if the pregnancy would have held that we’d be fine. She’s just been so depressed and angry lately that I think this is messing with her head. I’m far from perfect and my wife and I do get into fights at times but we love each other and have been together for a very long time. So yes, I may not have tried to “date” or woo her enough anymore. I’m sure she has watched too many lame romantic comedies and wants us to learn ballroom dancing but that really isn’t me. So I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sure there are things that I could have done better, but it’s been a hard month. I mean how do I feel that my wife has romantic feelings enough about some guy at work that it has placed our relationship in question? You don't bring me flowers...ANYMORE! do you even do with that? Yes, she didn’t physically mess with some guy, but being drunk and kissing some random dude might have been better than her actually caring about another guy. I don’t know. My head has just been spinning and I haven’t told any of my RL friends about this. Any advice is appreciated. Just remember this is my real life so drive slowly.

[Ursa Majoris]

Maybe counseling?

 

That's the way you (and her) will need to go, I think.

[The Wolf]

Square, good write up bro. There is a lot of info in here that we can all take from it.

 

My suggestion is this: you were strong for her once before. Be strong again. You both went thru something terrible and although I am sure it hurts you, your wife is handling it differently. If you believe it was just talking to another man, then fully believe it; don't doubt her. An awful lot has happened to the two of you lately and if she wants to fall back in love with you, do it. Go to therapy. Spend time together. Take pleasure in the little things.

 

I am no doctor, but after the miscarriage, your wife may not be out of love with you. She may be feeling so terrible and even guilty and inadequate that she thinks she no longer loves you. Give it a shot to repair the marriage. Give it some time. I am hoping and praying for you both that this works!

[muck]

First, we've had two miscarriages. I have walked in those shoes. Not fun.

 

Second, having a kid and then a miscarriage later ... walked in those shoes, too. Not fun.

 

Third, you and your wife need to open up to another older couple who has a marriage you admire and tell them everything -- good and bad. This is very (VERY!) important. You can call it counselling if you'd like, but it's more of a mentorship. Basically, you want to find another couple who has dealt with the junk that life can throw at you and they stuck together through it.

 

Fourth, I can't tell if your wife has turned her heart over to another guy (but not her body), or she simply had an emotional conversation or two with a guy (which may have included some inappropriate topics, including a discussion of your marriage and/or you as a man), but in either case, the miscarriage (and related hormonal changes) are possibly a big cause. It is possible that her estrogen / progesterone levels are all out of whack (her body was expecting to be quite far along in pregnancy by now) -- medication can help re-regulate this (if that is the problem). And, yes, she may be blaming herself (a glass of wine, too much exercise, who knows...) and she feels that you are blaming her (even if that's the farthest thing from the truth). Finding a mentor couple, and talking about this with the, will help.

 

Fifth, you are the man. It is your responsibility to drive the marriage in the direction you want it to go. It is VERY easy to "check out" for a while (especially if the wife is making it difficult to lead) -- trust me, as I've done it before and will do it again, to the detriment of my marriage and my kids each time I do "check out" -- but, its still our responsibility to lead. So, if you think you haven't dated your wife enough in the last few months (or several months), date her. Invite her out to a dinner ... go bowling ... do something active and fun. Send her a funny card at work. Write her an actual letter -- a short story remembering a fun/funny date you were on early in your HS life, maybe -- just remind her of the great times you've had together. As I tell friends often (and try to remind myself of, too), find little ways to remind your wife that you love her. That is your responsibility.

 

Good luck!

Edited July 24, 2009 by muck

[Duchess Jack]

Man, I am sorry about that. Just keep in mind that hormonally, she's got the be all messed up. And... having had the miscarriage - if this was something that happened since then - on some level she might have been making up for something lost (as crazy as it might seem to somebody whose harmones arn't all screwed up).

 

Councilling sounds like a good option, but keep in mind that pride is the biggest issue in most things. Hopefully - if nothing has happened with the guy and you guys work through this - something good can come of it. Maybe the romance that has drifted away (you said you felt it too... or that she had changed over the years) can be rekindled when you both realize where you are at and how important all of this is.

 

I understand what you said to her and as much as it might be what you want to do right now - you might want to hold off on the drinking so it doesn't fuel your pride and cause you to say something else you might mean.

 

Again, I am sorry you are going through this. That's a lot to happen in a short time. Keep strong, pray and keep loving on your daughter through this.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Duchess Jack

[tbimm]

PM sent.

[The Wolf]

Muck's advice is a lot better than mine...at least he has partially walked in your shoes so he understands some of your mindset now.

[muck]

I understand what you said to her and as much as it might be what you want to do right now - you might want to hold off on the drinking so it doesn't fuel your pride and cause you to say something else you might need.

 

IMO, this is good practical advice.

[Czarina]

What you consider "staying strong" she may experience as being aloof and uncaring about the miscarriage. Hormones could be playing a major part of how she's feeling right now, as they're all out of whack. On the other hand, you'd be a fool to totally chalk this up to "hormones." If things have deteriorated to this point, it's been coming for a while and you haven't been seeing it. That there may be another guy...well, if nothing physical has happened with him, she's apparently getting some emotional need awakened or met there. For my money, it's a tougher situation than if it were a physical attraction.

 

If you want this marriage to survive, you're going to need to court her again.

[smithkt]

Square, while I can't relate to the miscarriage, the rest of the story strikes a familiar cord for me about three years ago. Unfortunately in my case, the physical act had already occurred and there was no turning back. There is still hope for you. Seek counseling and rescue your marriage.

 

Some general comments. I'll try to tread lightly, but I'm not going to sugar coat my response.

 

1) While you did the "manly" thing and stayed strong for her during a difficult time, is it possible that what she really needed was someone to cry with her and let her know she wasn't alone in this? Perhaps your upbeat, joking ways made the wrong impression. Maybe she thought you did not care? Perhaps this lead to the anger and the distancing.

 

2) Perhaps it not so much that she has feeling for some other guy as it is she may be getting sympathetic emotional support from a coworker. Support she may feel lacking from you.

 

3) You mentioned drinking several times in this post. First when you said she no longer drinks much and then several times when you mention having a few drinks. Could this be another source of tension here? You don't mention any other interests or hobbies. Do you do anything together that does not involve sitting in front of a TV or having a few drinks. You mentioned the ballroom dancing. Why the hell not. It may not "be you", but it's not always about you. Maybe it's just her way of trying to find something you can share.

 

Lack of communication is what doomed my marriage. Don't make the same mistake. Swallow your pride a little, talk to your wife. I mean REALLY talk to her, and check the sarcasm at the door. It won't help. You need to remain sincere and honest. Share your feelings openly.

[rajncajn]

Not to put you more on the defensive side, but I think you have the right to know just how far her other relationship has gone. You have every right to feel cheated given she's told you there's another guy & hasn't even told you what happened or her level of feelings for this person. Counseling is a definite must regardless at this point IMO, but I also think it's important to know where her mind lies.

 

Best of wishes Square, I hope everything works out for the best.

[Caveman_Nick]

I have two pieces of advice, Square:

 

1) Be careful what you say in anger. Think twice before you lob a hurtful bomb at someone. What she told you was hurtful, and you are reacting badly to it. How do you think she reacts when you say something like "I hope you die".

 

If you want to really be able to reconcile, take care in how you communicate.

 

2) Never, ever stop dating your wife. I take my wife on a date every week at least once, unless one of us is out of town for a whole week. Find a way to do it and a regular schedule that works. Make sure that there is time in your relationship that's completely and totally about you two as a couple.

 

Someone gave me that advice before I got married, and I can honestly say that after following it for 5 and a half years, my wife and I have one of the happiest marriages of anyone I know.

 

These two things might not pull you out of your current situation, but they will help you in your married life going forward. If you want to save your marriage, you will need to find ways to deal with the mess that's upon you. Item number one should help with that.

[muck]

1) While you did the "manly" thing and stayed strong for her during a difficult time, is it possible that what she really needed was someone to cry with her and let her know she wasn't alone in this? Perhaps your upbeat, joking ways made the wrong impression. Maybe she thought you did not care? Perhaps this lead to the anger and the distancing.

 

Good observation.

 

Strength is one thing, perceived callousness (or flip attitude) is something else completely.

[dmarc117]

trust is a hard thing to regain

[whomper]

Dont let her put you and the defense and flip the script because of that comment that you made. Granted , as you know, the comment was out of line but it pales to her having "an emotional affair" with this other man. What is the timeframe here ? When did that situation with that man start ? was it before the miscarriage ? Those are important factors here. If it happened after the miscarriage then I can buy the hormones/ in a bad state / reasoning. If it happened before there is a deeper problem here. Unless you are leaving something out here as far as what i read you are getting blindsided here. I am sympathetic to her as far as the loss of the baby but you lost a baby too and your feelings count as well. I'm sorry to see you go through this. I hope when cooler heads prevail there is enough love there to keep things together. To go from the good times you described not so long ago to this must be tearing you up. I wsih you nothing but the best bro and hope for a good outcome.

Edited July 24, 2009 by whomper

[Thews40]

Two cents… she didn’t cheat on you. Sometimes women are placed, for whatever reason, in a situation where they interact with a guy. I don’t know who the guy is, or where she met him, but if she felt herself being attracted to him and told you about it, it’s not cheating IMO.

 

The obvious thing would be counseling. Not sure about the dynamic about the miscarriage, but life changing things like that make people question who they are, where they’re going, etc. When she says she wants to fall back in love with you, then it’s painting the picture that she’s sincere.

 

Obviously, you have a child and a lot at stake, so I’d act sooner rather than later. Things I’d do till you figure things out:

 

1) Stop watching TV when you get home. Some people go on autopilot and just zone out of life’s issues by escaping into the TV. Do other things, whatever it is.

2) Drink as much as she does. If she doesn’t drink, then you don’t drink

3) Seek out things to do. Get a babysitter and date her (what I failed to do in marriage #1). Take her dancing once in a while… seriously. It’s not that painful, but you have to initiate it. Find a B&B somewhere close, find a bar with a band and take her out. Buy some candles, find a nice restaurant, and be the romantic. She’ll see through it, but that’s the point.

4) Don’t beat yourself up for what you said. You said it was a mistake and you apologized. Don’t turn the whole thing into about what you said… you were reacting to her talking romantically with another guy and you should be pissed. Conversely, don’t beat her up either for the other guy. She just talked to him, and while it was wrong, she admitted it to you.

5) You find a counselor. You make the appointment and take charge.

 

I think you can easily fix this, but understand what’s at stake. Life just creeps up on all of us at times and we become blind to certain things, but if your wife is hot she gets attention. She wants the attention from you, so give it to her. i wouldn't see her as a cheater if I were you, because if you do it's going to eat away at you. Trust her.

 

Good luck

[Caveman_Nick]

Two cents… she didn’t cheat on you.

 

I would recommend that anyone taking this POV do some reading on 'emotional affairs'. They are often just as damaging if not more damaging than physical affairs.

 

Feeling that your spouse no longer is in love with you and is in love with someone else is a relationship killer. I have friends trying to deal with this right now, as one spouse feels that the other no longer is in love and loves someone else. Amazing how damning a journal entry can be.

[rajncajn]

Dont let her put you and the defense and flip the script because of that comment that you made. Granted , as you know, the comment was out of line but it pales to her having "an emotional affair" with this other man. What is the time frame here? When did that situation with that man start ? was it before the miscarriage ? Those are important factors here. If it happened after the miscarriage then I can buy the hormones/ in a bad state / reasoning. If it happened before there is a deeper problem here. Unless you are leaving something out here as far as what i read you are getting blindsided here. I am sympathetic to her as far as the loss of the baby but you lost a baby too and your feelings count as well. I'm sorry to see you go through this. I hope when cooler heads prevail there is enough love there to keep things together. To go from the good times you described not so long ago to this must be tearing you up. I wsih you nothing but the best bro and hope for a good outcome.

My exact thinking as well.

[Thews40]

I would recommend that anyone taking this POV do some reading on 'emotional affairs'. They are often just as damaging if not more damaging than physical affairs.

 

Feeling that your spouse no longer is in love with you and is in love with someone else is a relationship killer. I have friends trying to deal with this right now, as one spouse feels that the other no longer is in love and loves someone else. Amazing how damning a journal entry can be.

Not sure I get what you mean? I understand the emotional affair aspect, and it's worth being upset over, but she just went through a major life event. Where one seeks solace and the cincumstances that lead up to it are hard to see unless you were her, and she did admit it. I guess the point is, if he treats her like she is a cheater and cannot be trusted, then it's over. There's way too much on the line and it seems like a lot there, but a counselor will help with all of this.

[whomper]

My exact thinking as well.

 

 

I always say what you are thinking

[Double Agent]

Lots of good advice here. We've been down the miscarriage road too. It's tough. Much tougher on the woman obviously. The pain for us continued until we got pregnant again. Then my questions were answered. Had we not miscarried, I wouldn't have my son.

 

Muck gave great advice about "steering" your relationship. You have a young child. Your wife had an emotional affair...not a real one. I don't think she cheated. Your marriage can be saved. But both of you will need to be very active in the repair process.

[rajncajn]

Not sure I get what you mean? I understand the emotional affair aspect, and it's worth being upset over, but she just went through a major life event. Where one seeks solace and the cincumstances that lead up to it are hard to see unless you were her, and she did admit it. I guess the point is, if he treats her like she is a cheater and cannot be trusted, then it's over. There's way too much on the line and it seems like a lot there, but a counselor will help with all of this.

The problem there is he doesn't know when the relationship started, as Whomper stated, if it was before the miscarriage there may be other issues at work. Even if it was after it's possible that is not the cause. He also doesn't know what the level of the relationship was/is and what her feelings for this guy are.

[rajncajn]

I always say what you are thinking

True.

I said it, it's just you said it better.

 

Whomper always delivers.

 

 

Lots of good advice here. We've been down the miscarriage road too. It's tough. Much tougher on the woman obviously. The pain for us continued until we got pregnant again. Then my questions were answered. Had we not miscarried, I wouldn't have my son.

 

Muck gave great advice about "steering" your relationship. You have a young child. Your wife had an emotional affair...not a real one. I don't think she cheated. Your marriage can be saved. But both of you will need to be very active in the repair process.

Good advice as well.

[Caveman_Nick]

Not sure I get what you mean? I understand the emotional affair aspect, and it's worth being upset over, but she just went through a major life event. Where one seeks solace and the cincumstances that lead up to it are hard to see unless you were her, and she did admit it. I guess the point is, if he treats her like she is a cheater and cannot be trusted, then it's over. There's way too much on the line and it seems like a lot there, but a counselor will help with all of this.

 

When your significant other says to you "I want to fall back in love with you", they are telling you that they are not in love with you.

 

You don't need to follow what I am saying, in any case. I'm not the expert on the topic. As I suggested before, do a little digging on the topic "Emotional Affairs". There's a lot that goes on with these things.

[Dutch Oven]

I can empathize with you more than I would like to admit, brother. This is just my opinion, but I feel that once you go to counseling, you are bascially admitting it is over. You all should be able to talk with each other without paying soemone to make you to do it. Again, just my opinion. I know it works for many people. I am happy to say that things are A LOT better for me right now. Shoot me a PM if you want to talk. We have a little girl as well and I could not imagine not waking up in the same home as her every day. That gives you motivation but obviously there is a lot more to it as well. Good luck, bro.