Square Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Not sure I get what you mean? I understand the emotional affair aspect, and it's worth being upset over, but she just went through a major life event. Where one seeks solace and the cincumstances that lead up to it are hard to see unless you were her, and she did admit it. I guess the point is, if he treats her like she is a cheater and cannot be trusted, then it's over. There's way too much on the line and it seems like a lot there, but a counselor will help with all of this. The truth is I don't really know the time frame. If she has been talking to him for awhile then I don't know where that leaves us. I'm guessing he was just a friend before this whole miscarriage thing happened. If we get on the other side of this, I'm not going to become some crazy stalking husband that worries about her being around other men. I've always trusted her. She has actually had more jealousy issues (old boyfriends cheated on her type thing). I figure at some point you just have to trust people. That's kind of the damnable thing about it. I'd have a better idea how to react if it had been physical. I could get details of the situation and how far it went and make up my mind. I don't know what to do with this. The fact that I asked if there was another guy and her saying "yes" spoke volumes to me. Maybe there is no good way to gauge this, but that felt like a punch in the stomach. BTW, I'm 30 so I still drink on the weekends. I mean typically we are in bed by 9 during the week and maybe 11 on the weekends so its not like we have some crazy schedule. I just still like teh booze. She nursed until our child was one year old so very rarely (if ever) could she drink for almost two years. There might be a little tension there but I don't think its really causing anything. More just making me act more ridiculous to a ridiculous situation. I'll pump the brakes if we are going to hang out tonight. Our social life just used to be more about going out and hanging with friends (at a bar or someones house). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 BTW, thanks for all the suggestions fellas. It's driving me a little crazy to have this all cooped up inside and not be able to discuss it with anyone. I feel myself being hopeful. But she is going to have to come around. I'm just going to try to keep my cool next time and see where her head is at. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 BTW, thanks for all the suggestions fellas. It's driving me a little crazy to have this all cooped up inside and not be able to discuss it with anyone. I feel myself being hopeful. But she is going to have to come around. I'm just going to try to keep my cool next time and see where her head is at. One of the best things about the huddle is that it can be an outlet for this type of thing. Good luck ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 gettin mad at her whne youre talking about it will make her clam up. stay cool and you can get more info, if thats what you want. sometimes its good to hear the whole truth, sometimes it isnt. gl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief Dick Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Just want you to know I'm praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Wolf Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 BTW, thanks for all the suggestions fellas. It's driving me a little crazy to have this all cooped up inside and not be able to discuss it with anyone. I feel myself being hopeful. But she is going to have to come around. I'm just going to try to keep my cool next time and see where her head is at. No worries bro. When I saw the length of your post, I realized that this must have all been pent-up inside you and that writing it our was a release (I hope so, anyway). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Marriage takes a weird turn when you have kids. We went through the change 3 years ago and we've got another kiddo due next month. Every parent goes through it. It's very easy to lose focus of the marriage. But the marriage has to come first. The kids will be out of the house in 18 years...you and your wife are together forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rajncajn Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 The truth is I don't really know the time frame. If she has been talking to him for awhile then I don't know where that leaves us. I'm guessing he was just a friend before this whole miscarriage thing happened. If we get on the other side of this, I'm not going to become some crazy stalking husband that worries about her being around other men. I've always trusted her. She has actually had more jealousy issues (old boyfriends cheated on her type thing). I figure at some point you just have to trust people. That's kind of the damnable thing about it. I'd have a better idea how to react if it had been physical. I could get details of the situation and how far it went and make up my mind. I don't know what to do with this. The fact that I asked if there was another guy and her saying "yes" spoke volumes to me. Maybe there is no good way to gauge this, but that felt like a punch in the stomach. BTW, I'm 30 so I still drink on the weekends. I mean typically we are in bed by 9 during the week and maybe 11 on the weekends so its not like we have some crazy schedule. I just still like teh booze. She nursed until our child was one year old so very rarely (if ever) could she drink for almost two years. There might be a little tension there but I don't think its really causing anything. More just making me act more ridiculous to a ridiculous situation. I'll pump the brakes if we are going to hang out tonight. Our social life just used to be more about going out and hanging with friends (at a bar or someones house). However tough this may be it sounds like you are approaching it the best way you can aside from letting your emotions get the better of you at that point. It doesn't sound to me that drinking would be the issue. It just seems that as a matter of circumstance she doesn't drink that much anymore. I know with kids in the house it's tough to get back in the habit of having a casual drink now & then. My suggestion there if you want her to start drinking a little with you is to start buying something you know she likes & offer to fix you both a drink after getting home from work. Me & the wife have started doing this & it's been a very pleasant addition that knocks the edge off us both & allows us to talk to each other a little easier. For your social life, I know a few people already suggested dating her, but it's also nice to have friends over as well... and not just your friends, but hers as well. What you said about her coming around is very important as well. She should understand that if she does want to fall in love with you again then it's got to go both ways. She shouldn't expect to be able to say that she's had some kind of interaction with another person & that she's not sure about your relationship and think that it's all your responsibility to make her fall in love with you again. Relationships go both ways, The little things that happen like her coming in & not even coming to see you only make you feel more cheated & fuels your concern. Rebuilding a relationship will be tough on you both, she needs to understand that she has to rebuild your trust & you will need to understand that she will be trying her best to do so. Patience & understanding are key for you both, but the first step should be openness. Without it, it's going to be very hard to build that trust again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Marriage takes a weird turn when you have kids. We went through the change 3 years ago and we've got another kiddo due next month. Every parent goes through it. It's very easy to lose focus of the marriage. But the marriage has to come first. The kids will be out of the house in 18 years...you and your wife are together forever. see i think the other way. not saying you dont have to work on the marriage, cause you do alot more once the rugrats come. but once you decide to have kids, its all about them imo. they didnt ask to come here. and your wife can always leave you, your kids are your blood. jmo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 1) sorry to hear you're going through this, with the miscarriage and the marital woes. there but for the grace of god.... 2) I agree with the person who said that in trying to do the right thing and "be the strong one", the practical effect may have been to make her feel isolated and adrift. this is something you need to think long and hard about. not to cast blame on yourself or anything, but simply to try and put yourself in her shoes (as much as possible, without the hormones and such) and understand how she's been feeling. this, it sounds like, may be where the true underlying fissure in the relationship began. and I should add, the miscarriage may be what brought it to a head, but I am certain the roots must go deeper. 3) she absolutely needs to put all her cards on the table with regard to this "other man". IMO, she has to tell you everything. and, if you truly want to save the relationship, you need to be prepared to absorb some wounds to your pride, and to temper your emotional response. it's going to hurt you to hear it, maybe a little, maybe a lot, even in the absence of the physical act -- and how you respond, inwardly and outwardly, will likely determine the future of your marriage. you need to try, as best you can, to view the whole thing more from the perspective of brokenness in your relationship than betrayal. 4) this situation really does sound like an excellent candidate for constructive marital counseling. and that might be the best environment to explore these areas. 5) good luck to you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Cid Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I just had my 20th Anniversary last Wednesday so I can speak with a little authority on marriage. I have not ever had children nor the trauma of a miscarriage so I can't speak with any authority asa to how that may be affecting things. First of all, by now I'm sure you've begun to see some themes develop in what the good people of the Huddle are saying. A little attention goes a long way but open and honest communication with your partner goes a lot farther. Whether it's over a quiet dinner with just the two of you, with a professional counselor, or with a mentoring couple as muck suggested, you need to spend some time talking with your wife. That means about all the hard things as well as the good things. No accusations, no yelling, no saracsm. You have to actively listen to her and you must also be able to open up about yourself in a serious, objective manner. If that means starting every one fo these conversations with a disclaimer that you need to talk through these things to hellp strengthen your marriage, that's fine, but there should be no ambiguity about your ultimate goal. If only one of you wants to put in teh work to save the marriage, it won't happen. Second, you may want to consider putting the booze aside for a while, a couple of months or a year or completely. The reason for this is that regardless of how much you like alcohol, it does lower your inhibitions and can heighten emotions. If your wife's hormones are playing with her, then having two people with less control over their emotions can only make the situation worse. If you want to be strong during this portion of the relationship, this may be the way you have to do it. Only you can answer this question, but would you seriously have said something to the effect of "I hope you die" when sober? Third, see if your wife will go to the doctor and get her hormone levels checked. As muck said, these things can be regulated and her being on an emotional roller coaster will not make the patching process any easier. You're both going to have to talk about some things that upset you, there's no reason to throw fuel on the fire. Finally, there will be a lot of work involved here. It won't be a fifteen minute conversation. There have obviously been deep wounds opened and those take time to heal. The good news is that they can heal and your marriage fixed but like I said, you both have got to want that and you both have got to work for it. This group of guys is a great place to vent and blow off steam, don't take it out on your wife, come here first. We're always here, day or night and there's always someone that has already been through what you're going through or someone ready with a smart ass comment, whichever you need at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelBunz Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 BTW, thanks for all the suggestions fellas. It's driving me a little crazy to have this all cooped up inside and not be able to discuss it with anyone. I feel myself being hopeful. But she is going to have to come around. I'm just going to try to keep my cool next time and see where her head is at. Bingo. Right there in a nutshell is the exact reason she found someone to talk to too. You turned to an "anonymous" message board of FF friends.....she turned to someone she already knew as a friend, but who wasn't a close friend to both of you or someone you'd both ever "hang out with." Neither one of you wanted to talk to mutual friends or relatives...she may have felt YOU didn't want to talk to her about it either....so she found a sympathetic ear. And it happened to be male. And with her emotions in a jumble, she developed "feelings" for him. But if she really thinks about it, they were probably NOT romantic feelings, but a supportive bond. Sometimes it's hard in a case like that to sort out what these "feelings" actually are or mean at the time you are having them. Take her at her word that she won't be talking to him again. That nothing "happened" physically. Doesn't matter when she knew him...when she started talking more indepth with him.......leave it be and go from here. And while she said she wants to fall IN love with you again.....don't read that as she doesn't still love you. Sounds like I'm splitting symantics here but.....loving someone.....and being IN love with someone.....subtly different things. You already LOVE each other......it's the other suggestions (dating your wife, really talking, finding the romance again) that will let you two be IN love again. Some VERY sound advice in this thread! Listen to Muck......her hormones might still be amuck. She may need a another trip to the doc's to see if there's something to get her back on an even keel hormone-wise or emotionally. This is totally salvageable, Square. I wish you the very best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_bone65 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 My thoughts and prayers are with you. While my wife and I have never had a miscarriage, she did have 2 during her last marriage and she never thought she would be able to have kids. A month after we got married she got pregnant and now we have a beautiful 4 year old little girl. She was on 16 weeks of bedrest and our daughter was born 5 weeks early. My wife went through post partum after Elise was born and that was the hardest part of my life, having to deal with a new born and my wifes emotional roller coaster. We got her to a DR and got her on meds and everything changed back to what we had before. I love my wife more then anything and would of done anything to keep our marriage together. Best of luck with everything Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tazinib1 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm the last person to give advice on this subject being a 2 time divorcee. All I can say is I wish you and the Mrs. the best and I hope everything works out between the two of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Take her at her word that she won't be talking to him again. That nothing "happened" physically. Doesn't matter when she knew him...when she started talking more indepth with him.......leave it be and go from here. I respect that opinion, even though I think I disagree. I guess it depends which you fear most, one, the initial impact of hearing at all laid out for you, or two, the possibility that not knowing the details will let it fester and create ongoing doubts. I am more of the "air it out, deal with it, and move forward with the cleanest slate you can" way of thinking, but I fully recognize that "airing it out" can be destructive, and perhaps needlessly so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I respect that opinion, even though I think I disagree. I guess it depends which you fear most, one, the initial impact of hearing at all laid out for you, or two, the possibility that not knowing the details will let it fester and create ongoing doubts. I am more of the "air it out, deal with it, and move forward with the cleanest slate you can" way of thinking, but I fully recognize that "airing it out" can be destructive, and perhaps needlessly so. And while I see Bunz clean slate approach and understand I still feel as I mentioned above the timing of that situation is important . If it was after the misscarriage It could possibly be explained by the hormones and emotions generated from the miscarriage . If it was before it is a deeper rooted problem IMO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 (edited) Bingo. Right there in a nutshell is the exact reason she found someone to talk to too. You turned to an "anonymous" message board of FF friends.....she turned to someone she already knew as a friend, but who wasn't a close friend to both of you or someone you'd both ever "hang out with." Neither one of you wanted to talk to mutual friends or relatives...she may have felt YOU didn't want to talk to her about it either....so she found a sympathetic ear. And it happened to be male. And with her emotions in a jumble, she developed "feelings" for him. But if she really thinks about it, they were probably NOT romantic feelings, but a supportive bond. Sometimes it's hard in a case like that to sort out what these "feelings" actually are or mean at the time you are having them. Take her at her word that she won't be talking to him again. That nothing "happened" physically. Doesn't matter when she knew him...when she started talking more indepth with him.......leave it be and go from here. Bunz is wise. If your wife couldn't talk to you, or felt she couldn't, she talked to someone who would listen, exactly the same as you are doing, Square. FWIW, I have actually been that third party - it wasn't physical, just the ability to listen. Edited July 24, 2009 by Ursa Majoris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackshi17 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I sure hope things work out for you and sorry but anything I might add has already been suggested. One thing for sure ... never let your wife see this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrTed46 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I sure hope things work out for you and sorry but anything I might add has already been suggested. One thing for sure ... never let your wife see this. +1 Sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I really think that's what it's all about. If it was a girl instead of a guy, we'd all just be asking you to post pics instead of giving advice well because she said yes when he asked if there was someone else. thats incriminating. if your just lending an ear, youre usually not the 'other person'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrTed46 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 (edited) If it was a girl instead of a guy, we'd all just be asking you to post pics instead of giving advice http://www.fhmonline.com/images/media/100s...6_Megan-Fox.jpg (trying to lift spirits) Edited July 24, 2009 by MrTed46 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 well because she said yes when he asked if there was someone else. thats incriminating. if your just lending an ear, youre usually not the 'other person'. Depends on the context it was asked in. As others have said, an emotional reliance on another person can be as damaging as a physical relationship and just as intense, hence the term "other person" may have been quite valid absent a physical dimension. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Depends on the context it was asked in. As others have said, an emotional reliance on another person can be as damaging as a physical relationship and just as intense, hence the term "other person" may have been quite valid absent a physical dimension. totally agree. but when you ask someone if there is someone else and they say yes, i think that there was a relationship. (emotional or physical.) not just someone listening to your problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Physical would have been far more damaging IMO. While emotional is no easy pill to swallow this could have just been a little infactuation with someone who lent an ear during a tough time. Time will tell as the story progresses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 http://www.fhmonline.com/images/media/100s...6_Megan-Fox.jpg (trying to lift spirits) Whoa, easy with that. I haven't gotten any in awhile. I exchanged an email with her and she is just basically asking for space. By her own admission her head is not right. I don't think this is the time to be pushy so I'll just see when she is ready to talk. I'm going to try and I've told her as much so she has some idea of where I am coming from. This isn't easy and I fo sho didn't think I'd end up here. Part of me is positive, part of me fears the wost, and a third part wants to find the doc and smash him to itty bitty pieces . You guys are being nice with the "sympathetic ear" argument. I hope for that as well but it could be much worse. I don't know if it is and I'm not trying to dwell on it (trying to move forward so i don't know how many questions I'll ask about this other dude) but if this has been going on for awhile and losing the baby had nothing to do with it, than it might hit the fan. My thesis is that this has more to do with the loss/grieving/hormones than anything. Hope I'm right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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