I have no idea what I'm doing at this point.

[Square]

One thing for sure ... never let your wife see this.

You all were never here.

[whomper]

You all were never here.

 

 

[Duchess Jack]

I might have overlooked this info - but how come you have not asked, when it started? I think you have the right to ask that in a friendly non-hostile manner so you can get a good chronology of things and react based on facts rather than fears. It can be as simple as an email and she'd still have her space. Again - just let her know that you want to react on facts so more damage is not caused by the spector of something that might not be there. She owes you at the super very least - that info and with it being a simple quesiton with a couple word reply from her, I don't think its leaning on her. Why worry about variables that can be easilly cleared up. You've got a lot more going on and being able to invest your energies into reality rather than what ifs could really help you both out.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Duchess Jack

[Square]

I might have overlooked this info - but how come you have not asked, when it started? I think you have the right to ask that in a friendly non-hostile manner so you can get a good chronology of things and react based on facts rather than fears. It can be as simple as an email and she'd still have her space. Again - just let her know that you want to react on facts so more damage is not caused by the spector of something that might not be there. She owes you at the super very least - that info and with it being a simple question with a couple work reply from her, I don't think its leaning on her. Why worry about variable that can be easilly cleared up. You've got a lot more going on and being able to invest you energies into reality rather than what ifs could really help you both out.

You make a good point, but I'm going to leave it be for now. I've come to the conclusion that I have to try to fix this no matter what it is. I'm not (as of right now) dwelling on the other dude. I'm just kind of clinging to the fact that her head isn't right and that is why she all of the sudden doesn't know which way to go. I didn't ask her at the time because I was afraid I'd freak out like the Incredible Hulk and start hurling cars down the block. I just had an info overload so there wasn't really a calm time to ask said question. I'll get more info eventually but it's just not the right time.

[rajncajn]

Not sure space is such a good thing for two people trying to work out a relationship. I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like at this point that you are the only one trying. So far you've initiated everything regardless of how it turned out.

[Thews40]

Take this for what you paid for it, but from the ghost of Christmas past (I was divorced at 30 and she left me to live the single life she was deprived of at marrying at 18), your child is paramount. Kids need a mother and father, and it’s up to the parents to do their best to make it work. The way I see it…

 

So she talked to some guy. If you blow it all out of proportion, or minimize it, it doesn’t negate the fact that it happened and there’ isn’t squat you can do to change it… but ask yourself just how big a deal it is. Are you gonna be 50 and looking at your wife as a cheating be0tch? (I wouldn’t think so).

 

The guy – He’s a do0sh that took advantage of her fragile situation and lent that sympathetic ear knowing she was in great pain. It was prolly a front, or even maybe sincere, but really, how big is this? Conversations where she’s venting aren’t hot and sweaty lust based. She just needed to vent, he listened, and for whatever reason things sorta happened (or didn't)… then she told you. She told you… you didn’t find out and she confessed. That says a lot about her.

 

You guys were just about to have another baby and moved into a new house. One thing about being a mother, is that if she’s home all the time, talking to adults is a treat to some mothers. Ok, so there’s issues that haven’t even been brought up and they’re probably not that big. Again, you have to, and I mean you have to trust her 100% or this is going to implode.

 

Take her out… make her feel special. Tell her you thank her for confessing and being honest and see a shrink. A shrink is a mediator and things are said that may not have been said otherwise if there wasn’t a mediator. You have two people’s best interest in your court right now… you and your kid. This isn’t that bad dude… just remember why you married her in the first place and fix it. Listen more than you talk and know that we, as guys, are cavemen. Cavemen kill food and fix cars. Sometimes we forget to do the little things… trust her, as she’s proven that she can be trusted. If you freak out now and dig too deep, the issue (whatever it was) won’t be addressed, and the blame game goes berzerk. I'm not saying to take in the rear BTW, but just put the focus on her right now and then go to you. Focus on the issue and in time the rest will come out. Again, I don’t think this is that bad.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Thews40

[Chief Dick]

You make a good point, but I'm going to leave it be for now. I've come to the conclusion that I have to try to fix this no matter what it is.

 

My wife and I have this discussion all the time, that when she is having a rough time, that I tend to want to "fix her", or "fix the situation".

 

She tells me alot: " I don't want you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. "

 

Men by nature are fixers: they want to solve every problem. You may just need to sit down with her and say: "Just talk to me. I will just listen."

 

And then listen. Don't interject. Don't try to fix.

[muck]

My wife and I have this discussion all the time, that when she is having a rough time, that I tend to want to "fix her", or "fix the situation".

 

She tells me alot: " I don't want you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. "

 

Men by nature are fixers: they want to solve every problem. You may just need to sit down with her and say: "Just talk to me. I will just listen."

 

And then listen. Don't interject. Don't try to fix.

 

There is a chance that either:

 

* Our wives are related.

* We are related, or

* All men are similar and all women are similar.

[THE SIX KINGS]

My wife and I have this discussion all the time, that when she is having a rough time, that I tend to want to "fix her", or "fix the situation".

 

She tells me alot: " I don't want you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. "

 

Men by nature are fixers: they want to solve every problem. You may just need to sit down with her and say: "Just talk to me. I will just listen."

 

And then listen. Don't interject. Don't try to fix.

 

Good Advice

[Square]

 

Fellas, you've been a big help. I really needed to read some of this stuff and it was cathartic to write out what happened. We'll see how it goes. Not to make my life the new Lifetime story, but I'll give some kind of update on how it goes. Thanks again.

[tazinib1]

Not to make my life the new Lifetime story

 

Oh god please don't. My mother is a Lifetime channel addict. Its probably some of the worst, I take that back, it is THE worst programming on television.

 

[Kid Cid]

Fellas, you've been a big help. I really needed to read some of this stuff and it was cathartic to write out what happened. We'll see how it goes. Not to make my life the new Lifetime story, but I'll give some kind of update on how it goes. Thanks again.

Whether you know it or not, your part of us now. It's kinda like the Borg. You have been assimilated. WE will know what happened even if we have to kill you to find out.

[untateve]

I didn't read all the replies. I don't know if this advice has been given--you and your wife need to see a marriage counselor. If you are both committed and you find the right marriage counselor, it can feel like a miracle.

 

I speak from what I know--without going into detail, my wife and I had some serious problems about 18 months ago. Now, after marital counseling, our marriage has never been better nor has it been stronger.

[nuke'em ttg]

Don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Just want you to know I'm praying for you and your family.

+1

[Wolverines Fan]

Square, I don't have any advice to give you, but I want to wish you and your family all the best.

[whomper]

There is a chance that either:

 

* Our wives are related.

* We are related, or

* I crave your bulging pecs

 

 

[TimC]

You guys need to have a long talk and a cry together. Clear the air big time and start fresh. The past is the past. Get it out in the open and forget the bad stuff and remember the good times.

 

Do it for the kid. She deserves this to be worked out one way or another quickly. It's got to be tearing her up. From what you've written, I don't think you're too far gone...unless she really cares for the other guy . Good luck.

 

Of course, I don't pretend to understand the emotional trainwreck that is the female species...and neither should the other men here .

[Bier Meister]

seek some counseling. might help each of you open up about what is going on by having a "neutral" other in the room. he/she will ask the hard questions neither of you want to put on the table right now. beyond comunication, he/she can help with conflict resolution and teach you guys how to support each other in ways you each need. going in for therapy does not indicate the end of the relationship, it's way to learn new or different tools to make it better. certain things might need to change and sometimes it takes someone else to help with the process. the big things is if you guys are both willing to make changes "for the good of the relationship" almost as if it were a different entity... and that entity is greater than each of you individually.

 

 

my best to you guys

[Rovers]

First, I think the fact that she was honest means she is still worthy of trust. She could have lied, but instead put it out there. At least you know where things stand. I do think you over reacted, but I understand why. Emotions aren't wrong or right, they are what they are... it's how we each deal with them that is important. About the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone say is "You shouldn't feel like that." You feel the way you feel. No amount of intelectualizing will change that, but DO think about how you react to your emotions... that is something you do have control over.

 

When my marriage failed, she was having an affair, but I still dealt with it and remianed committed to saving the relationship... very hard to do for a jealous type like me. She continued to lie about the affair, but I knew the truth. There were no kids involved, but still, I was not about to give up very easilly. I think any marriage is worth fighting for, after all, it was based on love and committment at least at some point.

 

You have something that I did not... at least she is being honest with you, and you can trust her at least n that level. Also... remember what I said... she may feel something for this guy, but did not act on it. Feelings are what they are... it's how one deals with them that is important, and she dealt with hers in a rational reponsible, non destructive way. While I was married there were women I felt something for as well, especially when the marriage hit the rocks, but I didn't act upon those feelings.

 

Counseling now is a must... and there is your daughter to think about as well. Understand your emotions, but be slow to react upon them, and yes, I love my brews too, but when I'm in an emotional upheaval, it's time to seriously back off any booze. Alchohol puts brain cells to sleep, and all to often it's the brain cells that give us restraint and control over our emotions that are the ones that get put to bed when we need them the most. If you value this marriage.... stay away from the booze for a while. It should be worth that much to you... if not, there is another problem that needs to be resolved.

 

I wish you and your family the best. Be resolute, do your best, and if it fails, you will carry no guilt knowing you did all you could.

[Sugar Magnolia]

My wife and I have this discussion all the time, that when she is having a rough time, that I tend to want to "fix her", or "fix the situation".

 

She tells me alot: " I don't want you to fix it, I just need you to listen to me. "

 

Men by nature are fixers: they want to solve every problem. You may just need to sit down with her and say: "Just talk to me. I will just listen."

 

And then listen. Don't interject. Don't try to fix.

 

Best advice I've read, and If that can't be done without one or both of you getting angry, or if you are unable to open up on your own, seek counseling.

 

I wish you and your wife all the best and hope it works out and makes you even stronger and closer after the dust settles.

[bpwallace49]

Square, I have been married for almost 10 years, and we have gone through 2 miscarriages and have 3 kids. The emotional rollercoaster that comes after a miscarriage is nuts, for all parties involved. My wife went into a similar withdrawal and became very introverted and sad following the miscarriages. A doctor frirnd of mine said it can be as damaging as a abortion combined with post-partum depression.

 

Our way of coping with it and getting past it was a lot of me listening and paying attention to her (in a non-sexual way) while she came to grips with the situation. Perhaps this "other guy" is g=just giving her the emotional support that she may be reaching out for right now. Ask her out on a date to talk, and make it about her and her feelings. (I learned this teh HARD way the first time, but my wife's confidante was another girl, sucks that your wife's is a guy).

 

The post about me being fixers is EXACTLY right. I tried that at first and only made it worse. While it may sound like you are giving up "too much", ignore the other guy stuff for now and just make it about her. Maybe this other jackass doesnt even think it is a relationship, but is only being a friend to her and a sounding board. Take him out of the picture and start doing everything you think she is getting from this guy on an emotional level. Listen to her, do things for her, and then rebuild the relationship.

 

Square, I dont know you guys personally, but it sounds so similar to what I went through it is scary. With me, I had to learn a very hard lesson, and now my relationship is even stronger. Those chemicals messing her up right now are STRONG and effecting her judgement. Be the bigger man (on the inside rather than a tough guy exterior) and work with her to resolve the problem and have her "fall in love with you again" like she said.

 

My prayers and best wishes go out to you square. best of luck, and keep us posted . . . .

[Clubfoothead]

That sucks. I certainly wish your family my best.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Square, I have been married for almost 10 years, and we have gone through 2 miscarriages and have 3 kids. The emotional rollercoaster that comes after a miscarriage is nuts, for all parties involved. My wife went into a similar withdrawal and became very introverted and sad following the miscarriages. A doctor frirnd of mine said it can be as damaging as a abortion combined with post-partum depression.

 

Our way of coping with it and getting past it was a lot of me listening and paying attention to her (in a non-sexual way) while she came to grips with the situation. Perhaps this "other guy" is g=just giving her the emotional support that she may be reaching out for right now. Ask her out on a date to talk, and make it about her and her feelings. (I learned this teh HARD way the first time, but my wife's confidante was another girl, sucks that your wife's is a guy).

 

The post about me being fixers is EXACTLY right. I tried that at first and only made it worse. While it may sound like you are giving up "too much", ignore the other guy stuff for now and just make it about her. Maybe this other jackass doesnt even think it is a relationship, but is only being a friend to her and a sounding board. Take him out of the picture and start doing everything you think she is getting from this guy on an emotional level. Listen to her, do things for her, and then rebuild the relationship.

 

Square, I dont know you guys personally, but it sounds so similar to what I went through it is scary. With me, I had to learn a very hard lesson, and now my relationship is even stronger. Those chemicals messing her up right now are STRONG and effecting her judgement. Be the bigger man (on the inside rather than a tough guy exterior) and work with her to resolve the problem and have her "fall in love with you again" like she said.

 

My prayers and best wishes go out to you square. best of luck, and keep us posted . . . .

 

Another super great post! I am reading these posts from a woman's point of view. Putting myself in your wife's shoes and asking myself what I would need from my husband right now.

[polksalet]

Here is my input fwiw. First of all of them are frakkin nuts. Romantic love is a creation of humanity over the last few hundred years. Before this the goal was to find a chick you could tolerate and survive with. SO once you get past the mythology of romantic love and this soulmate crap you can focus on what is really important. That is having a woman you can simply tolerate. It sounds like you have one so suck it up and go lay it to her.

[Square]

Here is my input fwiw. First of all of them are frakkin nuts. Romantic love is a creation of humanity over the last few hundred years. Before this the goal was to find a chick you could tolerate and survive with. SO once you get past the mythology of romantic love and this soulmate crap you can focus on what is really important. That is having a woman you can simply tolerate. It sounds like you have one so suck it up and go lay it to her.

Heh. I like your style Polks.

 

We didn't say a word from Friday morning until around 3pm today. So far it looks alright though. Still treading lightly. She has at least said she would try to work things out. It wasn't the most energetic statement she has ever said but I'll take what I can get at this point. She is fighting me on the counseling but I don't think it's negotiable. Doh, she is back from the store.