Question for Parents

[Perchoutofwater]

My wife and I had a disagreement yesterday over something I said to my daughter and I wanted to know who those of you here that have kids feel was right. My youngest daughter (8) is a pretty good soccer player, one of the top three players on her team, and her team is by far the best in their age group. She has had a really good year so far, but in the first game of a double header yesterday she played horrible, and it was because she just didn't hustle. Other parents came up to me after the game asking what was wrong with her today. Her team won by a wide margin, but she really did not contribute much at all. After the game I told her that I was really disappointed in the way she played. I told her that while I've been proud of the way she has played in every other game this season, that in this game she played horrible and that she should be embarrassed because she just didn't hustle. I told her that as long as she always gives it her all, that I would be proud of her even if she screws up, but that I wanted her to screw up at full speed. Her grand parents were coming to see the second game of the double header and told her if she wasn't going to put forth any more effort than she did in the first game, I was going to call them and tell them not to waste their time in coming to the game. The second game she played great as usual. My wife got mad at me for telling her she didn't play well and that I was disappointed. She says I should try to be positive in encouraging her. I told her that I just told my child the truth, that she didn't hustle and because of it, she played horrible. So, was I too hard on her?

[darin3]

So, was I too hard on her?

I'm not a parent - yet - but my vote would be "probably". She's 8. I see the point you were trying to make, but eh... she's 8.

[Chavez]

So, was I too hard on her?

Cripes, I'd say; less what you said than apparently how you said it.

 

Then again, it sounds like she handled it well.

[gbpfan1231]

I don't have kids but I think that a lot depends on how you say it. If you were in her face then yea too much. If you had your arm around her and was saying it in the best voice possible and with the sound of encouragement then I would say no.

[nuke'em ttg]

I've got kids and you're gonna regret that.....keep it positive at all times especially for a f'n game.....save the pep talk for the jobsite and never stop havin yer kids back in life....stoppin a Grand Parent from seein their Grand kid cause they aren't playin good is sick.....you people in texas are all messed up when it comes ta sports and raisin kids.....just want ya ta give it yer all

[Perchoutofwater]

I've got kids and you're gonna regret that.....keep it positive at all times especially for a f'n game.....save the pep talk for the jobsite and never stop havin yer kids back in life....stoppin a Grand Parent from seein their Grand kid cause they aren't playin good is sick.....you people in texas are all messed up when it comes ta sports and raisin kids.....just want ya ta give it yer all

 

My kid was upset by what I told her for about 20 minutes but then got over it and was back to her normal self. I didn't call and tell her grand parents not to come, but told her that if she wasn't going to put forth more effort that I was going to do that. I wasn't yelling at her or in her face. I was just being honest and giving her an honest assessment of her play, and letting her no that we don't enjoy watching her when she doesn't hustle.

[bushwacked]

I've got kids and you're gonna regret that...

 

Yup, if the fashion in how she plays sports is a bigger deal to you than her, you have an issue. The same one my dad had.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from, as I make a point not to provide negative commentary to my son on how he plays sports. But if your daughter is 8 years old, I don't know how else she could could interpret the situation in the manner you summarized it other than:

 

Play good = we are proud of you

 

Play bad = you are an embarrassment to me.

[wiegie]

Did she have fun playing in the first game?

[evil_gop_liars]

I've got kids and you're gonna regret that.....keep it positive at all times especially for a f'n game.....save the pep talk for the jobsite and never stop havin yer kids back in life....stoppin a Grand Parent from seein their Grand kid cause they aren't playin good is sick.....you people in texas are all messed up when it comes ta sports and raisin kids.....just want ya ta give it yer all

 

....well said.

[Perchoutofwater]

Yup, if the fashion in how she plays sports is a bigger deal to you than her, you have an issue. The same one my dad had.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from, as I make a point not to provide negative commentary to my son on how he plays sports. But if your daughter is 8 years old, I don't know how else she could could interpret the situation in the manner you summarized it other than:

 

Play good = we are proud of you

 

Play bad = you are an embarrassment to me.

 

I made a point to tell her I didn't care if she didn't score a single goal for the rest of the season as long as she hustled. I told her I didn't care if she screwed up as long as she gave it her all. I was just trying to point out that loafing was unacceptable.

 

Did she have fun playing in the first game?

 

I don't think she did. I think she thought she could half ass it and still spank the girls she was playing against, and she realized she couldn't. Her coach also gave her an ear full at half time and actually yanked her (which I was glad he did) half way through the second half which really pissed her off.

Edited October 25, 2009 by Perchoutofwater

[nuke'em ttg]

Reason for my answer Perch is cause i've felt the same way...... our house has always been the place all the kids hang out at and i over hear the kids sayin how much they hate their parents for takin it so serious ........they started hatin the sport and their parents.......so i bite my lip...... know i've given'm a good foundation ta always give their all.......and sit back and smile when they say we wish our Dad was as cool as yours

[whomper]

I always told my kid the same thing as perch. I dont care if you screw up or make bad plays , I just want you to try as hard as you can and have fun. The only way I will be dissapointed is if you arent trying as hard as you can. My kid is the same age as Perches and my wife reacts the same way that perch's wife did. I told her I want the kid to have fun , dont get me wrong, but I also want her to learn the lessons of commitment to a team and having pride in the way she performs.

 

Yesterday my daughter was cheering. During one of the cheers she was completely turned around and talking to one of the football players that is in her class. When they had a break I pulled her to the side and told her that I wanted her to make sure she is always paying attention and when the whole team is cheering she better not be chatting with her friends.

 

They are young, do it tactfully but this is the ages where lessons are learned IMO. Have a great time but realize you are there for a reason and the best way to get something out of the activities you are in is to focus and give it your all.

Edited October 25, 2009 by whomper

[untateve]

I think you were too harsh.

 

I've coached youth soccer for about 20 years (excepting a brief hiatus when my first son was born, until he was old enough to play).

 

Every child has an off game. At least once a season, a team will have an off game. For whatever reason, they don't move well, don't hustle, make silly mistakes, etc.

 

I call my team (and my children) on this when it happens. I clearly tell them that it's obvious that they did not give their best effort. I would never tell a child I was disappointed in them and I would never tell my child that if they aren't going to try harder, I'll tell their grandparents to not bother coming to see them. Put bluntly, your saying this was an over-reaction and I think you owe your daughter an apology.

 

I would say that I was disappointed in her effort (note: Their is a subtle, but significant difference in being disappointed in your child vs disappointed in her effort) because I know that she can do so much better. I would also let her know that it's normal to have an off game once in awhile. I would then tell my child how lucky she is to have a second game today in which her grandparents are attending to so that she can show what a great soccer player she is. In saying things this way, I let my child know that it was clear that she didn't give her best effort while at the same time providing encouragement/praise for the player I know my child is.

[i_am_the_swammi]

Her grand parents were coming to see the second game of the double header and told her if she wasn't going to put forth any more effort than she did in the first game, I was going to call them and tell them not to waste their time in coming to the game.

 

I don't mind you telling her the reason she didn't play well was because she didn't hustle...telling her right after the game while it was fresh in her mind was good, as she likely was able to relate to exactly what you were saying. Hopefully, you said it with a positive, encouraging tone.

 

The part of your story that I didn't like was threatening her because she didn't play well. Her grandparents are there to support her whether she plays well or not. they love her whether she hustles or not. You should not threaten to withhold them from her just because she had an "off" game. Athletes have bad games all the time...and if this was her only one of the season, then threatening her with not allowing her grandparents to attend does indeed sound a tad harsh.

[Donutrun Jellies]

She's 8. Your mid-double-header inquisition might work at 14 -- but by then her coach probably won't want parents meddling in team dynamics. At 8? Stay positive ... Give her a hug and encouragement ... Ned to do more based on her behavior? Stay positive and lead her to it ... Ask her if anything is wrong because you didn't see her usual fire out there ... tell her how much you love to see her give her all ... Berating an 8 year old and threatening her with not letting her grandparents see her? At 8? That's cold -- even at 14, the threat is cold. I think those tactics leads more often to someone leaving the sport by the time they're 10 than becoming a Williams sister. Your question tells me you know it in your heart -- we all learn as we go along as parents. Tell her maybe you were hard on her ... give her a hug. Go back with the positive of how much you love to see her play hard. It'll work. My oldest is the captain of her college team and the positive approach still works.

[Caveman_Nick]

Yup, if the fashion in how she plays sports is a bigger deal to you than her, you have an issue. The same one my dad had.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from, as I make a point not to provide negative commentary to my son on how he plays sports. But if your daughter is 8 years old, I don't know how else she could could interpret the situation in the manner you summarized it other than:

 

Play good = we are proud of you

 

Play bad = you are an embarrassment to me.

 

I don't think that's what was said.

 

"Put forth your best effort, I'm prud of you no matter how you perform Dog it, and I'm dissappointed." Was what I got out of it.

[bushwacked]

Maybe you should dress up like a clown and have you're 8 year old daughter guess if your trying to be Black Face Obama or John Wayne Gacy. If she guesses wrong you can continue to bombard her with your disappointment. If she guesses right, she'll still want to know why there is a deathly smell coming from the crawl space.

[bushwacked]

I don't think that's what was said.

 

"Put forth your best effort, I'm prud of you no matter how you perform Dog it, and I'm dissappointed." Was what I got out of it.

 

If that was all that was said, Perch wouldn't be asking for advice and his wife wouldn't be pissed.

[Perchoutofwater]

If that was all that was said, Perch wouldn't be asking for advice and his wife wouldn't be pissed.

 

Nope, that is pretty much it, that and her grand parents aren't going to want to see her loaf either.

[Perchoutofwater]

Maybe you should dress up like a clown and have you're 8 year old daughter guess if your trying to be Black Face Obama or John Wayne Gacy. If she guesses wrong you can continue to bombard her with your disappointment. If she guesses right, she'll still want to know why there is a deathly smell coming from the crawl space.

 

I can't believe you bit on that stinky bait in the thread that got closed this morning regarding the tailgate and politics.

[whomper]

If that was all that was said, Perch wouldn't be asking for advice and his wife wouldn't be pissed.

 

 

Meh. Sometimes anything short of coddling gets the wife pissed. I think the general sentiment of perch's message was something I dont have a problem with. There were a few flaws in the delivery. If I am standing next to my wife during a game and say the slightest negative thing just to her about the kids performance she quickly says I am over reacting. I will say that I dont think in all the games of both of my kids I have ever said anything negative about anything else except effort. When my kids look over at me during a game I am always smiling and clapping and giving them the thumbs up. I know my kids are little and I know I am not going to get red faced laying out effort on every play but if I am watching and I see them just mailing it in for their time that they are in the game I let them know about it. I just tell them they need to try harder and that they joined the team for a reason , to have fun , learn the game learn, sportsmanship and work hard.

 

I remember a few years ago my oldest was playing soccer . She was about 6. She was going after the ball and had a pretty clear break away and a defender tripped while they were going for the ball. Instead of taking the breakaway my kid stopped in her tracks and helped the other kid up. At that age I was happier with what she did than I would have been if she had scored a goal. Obviously if she was older it just would have been part of the game and she would have taken the break away.

Edited October 26, 2009 by whomper

[bushwacked]

I can't believe you bit on that stinky bait in the thread that got closed this morning regarding the tailgate and politics.

 

It's clear; I'm simply a pawn relative to your cunning intellect and wordsmanship. Now, back to your family problem.......

[bushwacked]

I think the general sentiment of perch's message was something I dont have a problem with. There were a few flaws in the delivery.

 

The delivery of a message to a young person's psyche is worthy. I see my kid attempting to do numerous things every day that he isn't advanced enough to to. The last thing I'd ever tell him is that he isn't old enough or give him an inclination that I was dissapointed.

[billay]

I get your point, but I think for 8 years old, it was perhaps a bit much.

[ljbrun]

She's 8 - I might suggest emphasizing;

the greater joy and satisfaction she would get from putting in a good effort into whatever activity she's doing

the joy that you get when you watch her doing something that makes her happy

that in a team activity her teammates rely on her to try her best and she should encourage and support her teammates

 

Temper your expectations. Kids develop at different rates. The best player today may not have the size, speed, coordination, or interest by high school.

 

Other than that. Drive her to and from practices and games. Bring orange slices or whatever when it's your turn. Take pictures. Make friends with the other parents, but try not to hit on any moms unless you're both single.