Czarina Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 She's 8 years old ferchrissakes. I think it was heavy handed and there was no reason to throw the guilt trip into the mix. You can find ways to acknowledge to her that you've noticed she wasn't having her best game without putting shame into the mix. It's not supposed to be about how much you enjoy watching her, it's about how much she enjoys playing. This, IMO is where you went off the tracks. Why would you want her motivation in sports to make you happy? Why wouldn't you want to make it about her pleasing herself, her team and her coach? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Perch, I am not a parent, but at the same time, having thought about this for a bit I don't see a problem ith what you did. I guess you can just take my opinion with that in mind. Kid's got to learn sometime that they should put their best foot forward if they are going to do something. That's not to say that other folks in here are wrong in their thinking or methods, but just because they would have handled the situation in a different fashion than you did does not make you wrong in what you did. You tols her something valuable, and holefully she will grow and learn from it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdrudge Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 her grand parents aren't going to want to see her loaf either.I've never met your parents so maybe this doesn't apply. But I had a few pairs of grandparents, and my parents and in-laws would pretty much drop anything not of significant importance to come see their grandchild play, loafing or not loafing. Yes they would probably enjoy it more if their grandchild gave it their all, but they would still want to see it. My .02 is that you were too harsh as described. I have an 8 year old of my own. I know for a fact that if I phrased your same "encouragement" to him it would have had a demotivating effect and would have caused him to loaf even more. I don't think there is a problem with encouraging them to do better and try their best, but I wouldn't have worded it the way that it sounds like you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonorator Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 everything was fine for me except the grandparent threat. a slight change would be "i know you don't want to play that way in front of your grandparents who are coming to watch you" or something like that. saying that you would call them and tell them not to come was unnecessary and too harsh for an 8 year old. as far as pushing your kids to excel and give it their all, welcome to life. but it has to be a teaching message from a more mature adult. i have slipped up and i've caught myself feeling more bad about how i was feeling vs. how my son was feeling. it's not hard to slip into living a bit through the kids and to enjoy your kid being a star in front of all the other parents. that glow can rub off in your mind and that's dangerous. i can't say i did the best job of that with my first and oldest, but i did learn the lesson for my youngest. i support him no matter what, encourage him to always, always, give it his all, tell him that i believe in him and that he'll do better next time ... and now i have a starting linebacker who doesn't play with a lot of size, but is all heart every game. it's all about him and i just try to be the best source of support i can be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_am_the_swammi Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Meh. Sometimes anything short of coddling gets the wife pissed. I think the general sentiment of perch's message was something I dont have a problem with. There were a few flaws in the delivery. I may be reading something into it, but I would guess Perch's delivery was not that of a supportive parent. Encouraging her to play up to her ability and hustle? Fine. Having a conversation that gets to the point of him threatening her with not allowing her grandparents to attend the next game tells me it was taken way too far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I may be reading something into it, but I would guess Perch's delivery was not that of a supportive parent. Encouraging her to play up to her ability and hustle? Fine. Having a conversation that gets to the point of him threatening her with not allowing her grandparents to attend the next game tells me it was taken way too far. Hence my flaws in the delivery line Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i_am_the_swammi Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Hence my flaws in the delivery line Which is why I was agreeing with you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Sacrebleu Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I think that the most important part of this thread is to make sure that Mrs Perch gets to read it so that she can lord it over Perch over how wrong he was For my .02 I too thought the grandparent threat was over the top. You are basically "dissapearing" them if she does not play well (I know you said hustle, but I am not sure how well 8 year olds differentiate between playing well, and hustling (I'm pretty sure at that age in response I would have run spastically all over the field, tackled late, and yell at myself to show that I was indeed hustling)). Not going out for ice cream seems like a less loaded negative reinforcement. I am sure though that you spoke to her lovingly and appropriately. I also do not have an 8 year old. I'll get back to you in 5 years. NB That sort of behaviour is perfectly apropriate for boys. Breaking their spirit, and crushing their soul is well worth it if they get a pro contract at the age of 18. Ca-ching Ca-Ching. There just is not enough money in women's soccer for this to be worthwhile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Which is why I was agreeing with you Noted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SEC=UGA Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 You know your child's personality better than any of us and the manner in which the child will handle the criticisms, act accordingly. I think the most valuable part of this is to let the child know that in life it is important to give your best effort in whatever you do. You may not always be successful, but you should always work hard. I think that is what you were trying to get across and applaud you for it. And since she is 8 years old, I think it is even more important now to teach her those lessons. THis is a time when they are impressionable and are creating habits that they will carry through life (incidentally, this is why I think it's afreaking shmae that they don't keep score during some of these youth league games...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Bill Cosby said it best....I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Now go score me some goals like your life depended on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Why ask for input if you are just going to continue to argue your side? Take a step back and learn from the situation. Like others have said, I dont think the lesson was wrong, but the delivery might have been a bit harsh. Although, its impossible for any of us to know your kids personality, sounds like she is a tough cookie and handled it well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Square Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Bill Cosby said it best....I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Now go score me some goals like your life depended on it. lol, I always liked that old Cosby routine. "I'll get rid of you and make another one just like you!" Anyway, this thread makes me glad my daughter is just learning to talk. I don't know if I'm ready for all the teachable moments type things. 8 sounds young, but I think everyone is on the right track with putting emphasis on effort with their kids. I read a few articles grade school kids that they did a study on teachers telling the kids they were smart vs. teachers telling the kids they needed effort. The kids who were just told they were smart did fine at the easier stuff, but quit earlier when the subject got difficult. The teachers who put all the emphasis on how hard the child tried, ended up with better scores (this is a drastically short version, but hopefully makes sense as I tend to agree that it's better to tell your kid that you are proud of them for the effort instead of just telling them how smart/talented they are). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Irish Doggy Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Andrew! You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! You're intensity is for sht! Win! Win! Win! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexgaddis Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I would have let her find her own way home that night... Nobody puts Perchie in a corner... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ziachild007 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I told her that as long as she always gives it her all, that I would be proud of her even if she screws up, but that I wanted her to screw up at full speed. That's probably where I would have left it. My oldest is one year older than yours and like your daughter has had some success in soccer so far to this point. Actually I told her when she started (at 5 yrs old) that as long as she tried her best and gave it her all I would always be proud of her (not only in sports, but in anything she does). Now on the rare occassion that she dogs it I will pull her to the side and ask her if everything is OK and she usually picks it up herself after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_bone65 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 That's probably where I would have left it. My oldest is one year older than yours and like your daughter has had some success in soccer so far to this point. Actually I told her when she started (at 5 yrs old) that as long as she tried her best and gave it her all I would always be proud of her (not only in sports, but in anything she does). Now on the rare occassion that she dogs it I will pull her to the side and ask her if everything is OK and she usually picks it up herself after that. +1 My son is 19 now and he played soccer from when he was 5 until 14, then got tired of it. He started playing on a travel team when he is 9-10 and had a great time. When he was 8 he was 1 of 2 boys on the team playing teams of all boys, needless to say they killed every team they played that year The rest of the girls stuck together and won a ton of tournys after that. My son and the other boy moved on to travel league and played great as well. The other boy was all region his last year of high school, my son wish he had stuck with it No need to be nothing other than supportive at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 My Dad made me run wind sprints at 4 years old because I once diverted my attention with my crayon outside of the lines while he was beating me with the belt. It taught me to be tough. I told him I apologize but he said I must've not been trying hard enough. I would run the suicide drills until I puked or passed out. I remember this one time I passed out and I woke up an hour later and he was standing over me. I smiled and knew he cared then because he was looking out for me. He stepped on my hand and told me to get my lazy ass up. I could see in his eyes he loved me though. He didn't slap me as hard as when I colored outside the lines just a few hours earlier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missoula Griz Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I have a 9 year old daughter who plays on a co-ed team. She is the only girl who has scored a goal this year. I learned a lesson from my first child. I was too tough on him during sports. He got to a point where he did not want me to coach any of his sports. With her, I just find something positive, even if its an off game for her, and compliment her on that. I would lay off some. Sure we want our kids to give 100% all the time, but they are just kids. We all get lazy at sometime or another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 My son is only 15 months but I would have said the same things as you. They need to know that stuff. Letting them get away with being lazy and such is exactly what you shouldn't do. Damn, wimen, always so sensitive and crap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NAUgrad Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I see what your gettin at Perch. I've got 3 kids and all I really ask of them is to try hard. That's it! Win or lose.....whatever, just try hard. The way you phrased it does sound a little harsh. Perhaps a "hey kiddo just try your best okay"? Would've done the trick. It also very much depends on the child as well. My middle kid was extremely sensitive and would've completely lost it with that. However, my oldest would've understood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TimC Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Perch, the correct answer to solve this problem is to flip her over the next time you're having sex. You're welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double Agent Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Nothing wrong with the message Perch was delivering...just depends on how he delivered it. I want my kids in sports to have fun. But more importantly I want them learning something. If they get out there and half-ass it, then they're not learning what I want them to learn. I would talk to them about it. Having a bad game is part of sports. I would never say anything if my kid gave up a home run or quadruple bogeyed 18...so long as he or she tried. But if you play like you don't give a chit, then you're basically trying to lose. And that warrants a discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Perch, the correct answer to solve this problem is to flip her over the next time you're having sex. You're welcome. I didn't think you knew about that trick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaP'N GRuNGe Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Tell her to get out there and score a few goals and proceed to show off her bicep everytime she does something good. (I'm talking to you Santonio. Hey Sailor! New in town????) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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