Big Country Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Here's the story: The other night after dinner my son comes up to me to say that there is "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying their, looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad. Can you help?" So, I put on my best lizard whisperer expressions on my face and followed him to his bedroom. One of the lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired 9I think she actually said this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). "Yeah, Bert andf Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breeched," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbedthe foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a patern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet, with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breather, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean waht she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "Waht do you think, Doc, a C-Section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Carey, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going ot happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occassionally, as they come intomaturity, like most male species, they um... um... masterbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just...just...escited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. And them my vicious, crule wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going ot be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140 One cage: $50 Trip to the vet: $30 Memory of your husband pulling on a lizards winkie: PRICELESS! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cameltosis Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Was the lizard shaved or bushy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Leaping lizzards! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twiley Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RFFL Chump Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 nice.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broncosn05 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Lizards lay eggs. except ernie, he lays your hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dabuffbills Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 so you helped a lizard jerk off? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isleseeya Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 This is a gem .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footballjoe Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Thank you for cheering me up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mojo20 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Holy S that is F'in funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spain Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Who among us hasnt given an amphibian a handjob at some point during our lives? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy Neutron Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGrunt Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Awesome story. That definitely made my night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retrograde assault Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I would never take my lizard to a vet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGrunt Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I would never take my lizard to a vet. Tell me about it. You can only imagine the amount of pain that lizard had with blue balls for the entire trip to the vet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
max Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caveman_Nick Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Good Lord that was priceless. Great story BC, and very well told. Did the wizards peeener look like this: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
untateve Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the term "drain the lizard." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yukon Cornelius Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darin3 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a patern here with the females in my house?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpholmes Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Priceless, thank you very much. Can we pin this? Forever? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGrunt Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Priceless, thank you very much. Can we pin this? Forever? +1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pope Flick Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 In the right atmosphere, with a little booze and a face to face first hand account this has piss your pants potential all over it. Was it YOUR wife that called 9-11 from the burger king drive thru? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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