Upsetting family situation

[driveby]

Something happened that has my wife and I very upset. She was nearly brought to tears over this and I feel terrible about it as well.

 

Some history to put the story in context: My son has been dating his girlfriend, Amy, for more then 3 years - he is a Junior in college, she is a freshman. She's sweet, kind, thoughtful, polite, respectful and smokin' hot. She is/was spoiled materially and somewhat sheltered by her parents. For instance, when she got her drivers license her mother bought a new car and gave Amy the BMW - but she didn't like to drive so the car pretty much sat while my son picked her up and dropped her off. She has an older brother who just graduated from college and is applying to medical school. He was a star in high school, both academically and athletically. He is also a talented musician. It's obvious they dote on her brother and openly wonder why she can't be more like him.

 

So, we are leaving tomorrow and driving up to Wisconsin for Christmas. Staying first at my mothers and then driving down to Madison to stay with my father-in-law and celebrate Christmas Eve and Day with family we both have living there. About 3 weeks ago we floated the idea that maybe Amy could fly up to Madison on the 26th, spend a few day getting paraded around for the relatives, and then ride back to Houston with us. We really didn't think she would do it as she had never flown by herself. However, last week she said she could go and bought a ticket. So far so good, we were really excited she was going to be able to spend some time with us and naturally my son was very happy he was going to see her.

 

Last night my son joined my wife and I for dinner (he took his last final yesterday and had been studying a bunch so we hadn't seen or talked to him much this past week). He said that Amy's father told Amy that since she was going to be out of town anyways - with us - the rest of the family (Amy's mom, dad, and brother) were going to Paris. Apparently this was a spur of the moment thing - apparently.

 

We feel just terrible about this for 2 reasons.

 

1 - It's incredible to us that someone would leave their daughter behind when taking a trip to Paris (Amy has never been out the the country - Well Canada but that doesn't really count) Maybe we're just small town rubes - but a trip to Paris is a pretty big thing - especially during the holidays. Amy is putting on a pretty good face but it's obvious she is crushed and I'm pretty sure she would rather go with her family to Paris then with us to Wisconsin. And to add insult to injury - they will be going to the airport together - she getting on the plane to Wisconsin - they the plane to Paris.

 

and 2 - We now feel like we really need to do everything we can to show her a good time in Madison while her family is strolling around Paris. I'm also afraid we may not be able to hide the fact that we are dismayed that her parents did not include her - they could have easily written off her ticket to Madison and taken her to Paris. We also feel incredibly guilty for inviting her in light of these developments.

 

Are we overreacting? Would you leave your child behind if you decided to take a trip to Paris - even if they had made other arrangements?

 

TIA

[AtomicCEO]

terrible.

[geeteebee]

Maybe they are just going to Paris, TX.

 

 

Seriously, that is messed up. All you can do is treat her like you would you own child, which apparently is not how her own parents treat her. No need to go out of your way to show her a good time. If she is going to be your future daughter in law then you don't want to always feel pressured to make sure she has fun. You want her to be comfortable around her husband's family-as they are normally. If she's from Houston, then most likely just getting her out and having snowball fights or going sledding will be plenty of fun and an experience she isn't used to and will provide her with many fun memories.

[twiley]

I wouldn't say you're overreacting and you're only human to have thoughts like that but the only thing you can do is show her a good time. You shouldn't feel guilty at all and it sounds like this other family is what you would call a bunch of grade-A El Guapos.

 

I'm just assuming but I'm willing to bet that this goes way deeper than just this trip. There's probably a long list of issues that this family is dealing with and honestly, it's not your problem. I think all you really need to do is treat Amy like she's family because she's certainly not getting that treatment from her real one.

[peepinmofo]

Well, try not to dwell on it too much. Its the holidays, and like you saidm just make sure she has a great time. Make her happy that she will get to spend the holidays with people that care and love her rather than (dont be to be rude) a bunch of a holes.

 

Pretty messed up, but you know what? It could always be so much worse...

[cre8tiff]

You can't fix other folk's family situations. Just be your normal selves and show her a good time.

 

My wife's mother was horrible to her and I got into the fray once, and they BOTH bit me for it.

 

Stay out of her family biz and let the poor girl enjoy her time with you.

[Kid Cid]

As someone who has sat in Amy's seat all my life when it comes to family, I feel for her. All I can say is that I echo peep's thoughts in that you need to remind her that life and the holidays are about more than material goods (impossible around Christmas I know, but that's another thread) and that she is with people that love and respect her for who she is. In the long run, hopefully she is smart enough to surround herself with the people that want to be around her, not just the ones that pay to do it.

[detlef]

Nothing I can add that hasn't been said. Really screwed up on the part of her family. No need to heap pressure on yourselves, just treat her like family and hope for the best.

[Savage Beatings]

Here's my advice... don't worry too much about having her see the sites of Madison (because no matter what it will never compare). The only way that you guys will be able to make her trip incredibly special so that she feels good about being with you instead of missing out on Paris, is to show her the way that a close and loving family spends Christmas together. Play board games, drink egg nog, have snowball fights, snuggle by the fire, sing Christmas carols, etc. Just make sure you gusy aren't sitting around silently watching tv the whole time. If she feels like she is a part of a warm loving family experience, then that's where she will find the value and cherish the memory of the trip.

[gilthorp]

sounds like the parents need a kick in the rear.

 

Take her to a few strip clubs in Madison and she'll forget all about it.

[TimC]

Make her feel like part of your family because she probably doesn't feel like part of her own family. And that would mean more to her than a trip to smelly, disgusting France.

[TimC]

Pics?

[Sox]

Treat her as you would your own;there's nothing you can do to soften the blow that her family happens to be a bunch of controlling jerks.

 

Spur of the moment my ass.When she decided to spend the holiday with you instead of them,they decided to go to Paris to flip her a big screw you for having the audacity to spend the holiday with anybody but them,or getting their "permission".How dare she make a decision without their approval! I can only go by what you've written,and it tells me they are controlling.

 

Don't by any means hold that against her.I just hope they don't try to sabotage the relationship in the future,because it sure seems that's what they're doing here,to me at least.

[Egret]

Here's my advice... don't worry too much about having her see the sites of Madison (because no matter what it will never compare). The only way that you guys will be able to make her trip incredibly special so that she feels good about being with you instead of missing out on Paris, is to show her the way that a close and loving family spends Christmas together. Play board games, drink egg nog, have snowball fights, snuggle by the fire, sing Christmas carols, etc. Just make sure you gusy aren't sitting around silently watching tv the whole time. If she feels like she is a part of a warm loving family experience, then that's where she will find the value and cherish the memory of the trip.

Sage advice.

[rajncajn]

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. Some very good advice in this thread.

[millerx]

+1

 

You can't fix other people's problems, but you can make her feel part of your family and no worries as your son and her will have sex as much as possible. I recommend even knocking on closet doors before you open them.

 

To spin off from this, maybe you would be willing to do something extra-special for her and your son to make it memorable for the them. Find a romantic place within driving distance and book a room for just one night. Allow them to do all the family things (as mentioned), meet the extended family, etc. But then give them an unexpected night away from everyone at the place you booked. It will be a memory they will carry with them and be able to fondly remember. She will probably even be thankful she didn't go to Paris.

[SteelBunz]

Everyone's right.....this goes much deeper than this one trip. And I'm not defending her family by any means. But I wonder if they weren't a little saddened that she had decided NOT to be with them at Christmas in the first place. So lo and behold.....spur of the moment Paris trip. Sort of a......Fine......you want to be with your boyfriend for Christmas??......we'll just do something spectacular without you.....kind of sentiment.

 

I feel bad for her. Like her parents were giving her a test. I'd be proud of her If I were you. She didn't give in and cancel her plans to appease her parents and go to Paris. I don't think she's as materialistic as you think. She's hurt more about not being included.....not so much that it's Paris.

 

Be careful with this, driveby. I see the beginnings of her family vying for holiday time with your family in your future. Whether they do it by enticement or guilt......or whatever......if Amy and your son end up married......they are in for some rough holidays for a couple years trying to please everyone, it sounds. If it comes to that down the road......like most couples in the first years, they'll run themselves ragged trying to see everyone for every holiday on everyone else's schedules.

 

That's what I see in the future. For now......just show her a wonderful time......like you were GOING to do anyway. Even though you say Amy's parents treat her brother as the golden child......I think it might be more coming to terms that she's growing up, has a steady bf......and is making decisions that don't include them. Tough nut to swallow as parents. And it's different with girls. Boys you expect to go off and do their own thing. But she's just a Freshman......they probably thought they'd have another 3 years of her around on breaks and such.

 

(I have similar experiences to this one......that's where I'm coming from here. Both in college......and now that I'm married. We decided years ago it was just physically impossible to be everywhere during the holidays. And what's worse.....you never feel like you have a holiday to yourselves either.....for just you two to celebrate. So MrBunz's family gets Thanksgiving...mine gets Christmas......lol. Then we go see his parents in January for an extended Christmas.)

 

Amy will have a great time with you guys! Don't worry about "making it up to her." It's not a competition. Just have fun!

[Azazello1313]

Here's my advice... don't worry too much about having her see the sites of Madison (because no matter what it will never compare). The only way that you guys will be able to make her trip incredibly special so that she feels good about being with you instead of missing out on Paris, is to show her the way that a close and loving family spends Christmas together. Play board games, drink egg nog, have snowball fights, snuggle by the fire, sing Christmas carols, etc. Just make sure you gusy aren't sitting around silently watching tv the whole time. If she feels like she is a part of a warm loving family experience, then that's where she will find the value and cherish the memory of the trip.

 

almost exactly what I was going to post.

 

Pics?

 

well, that too.

[Savage Beatings]

You could also hire someone to plant a bloody knife, some coke, and a dead hooker inside Amy's brother's bedroom. Then just laugh at her parents and say, Golden Child my ass!

 

Merry Christmas!

[i_am_the_swammi]

Sounds like she has a pretty petty set of parents that likely have stuck it to her countless other times (of which you likely aren't aware). Here's hoping that she gets a sense of what a loving family means to each other, and she models herself around what she sees now, versus what she has been subject to in the past.

 

However, I wouldn't do anything special or out-of-the-oridinary. If you try to put on airs, it will likely come accross as transparent. If you just be yourselves, it will come accross as genuine...something she likely has not encounteres her 18 previosu Christmas's.

 

On a harsher note, she is 19....its time for her to step-up and grow-up, and get out from beneath Mommy & Daddy's lavish lifestyle. Missing out on an all-expenses paid trip to Paris (where she would likely be in her brother's shadow anyway) could be the best thing for her.

[SteelBunz]

You could also hire someone to plant a bloody knife, some coke, and a dead hooker inside Amy's brother's bedroom. Then just laugh at her parents and say, Golden Child my ass!

 

Merry Christmas!

or in his suitcase.....he won't be coming home very soon.

[wiegie]

Everyone's right.....this goes much deeper than this one trip. And I'm not defending her family by any means. But I wonder if they weren't a little saddened that she had decided NOT to be with them at Christmas in the first place. So lo and behold.....spur of the moment Paris trip. Sort of a......Fine......you want to be with your boyfriend for Christmas??......we'll just do something spectacular without you.....kind of sentiment.

only problem with this analysis is that she WILL be with her family for Christmas itself--she's not going up to the land of bubblers and cheese curds until the 26th (and since she is only going to spending a few days in Wisconsin, she's going to be spending the majority of her break with her family anyway).

 

As was said above, whatEVER you do, do not badmouth her family.

 

(Also, would you have been insulted/offended if her family had decided to take her to Paris too instead of her coming up to Wisconsin. It is possible that they were trying not to offend you by not trying to get her to ditch you and come to Paris with them.)

 

As everyone says, just treat her kindly like she was part of your family and let things run its course.

[Cameltosis]

Play board games, drink egg nog, have snowball fights, snuggle by the fire, sing Christmas carols, etc. Just make sure you gusy aren't sitting around silently watching tv the whole time.

 

Damn. My childhood sucked.

[driveby]

only problem with this analysis is that she WILL be with her family for Christmas itself--she's not going up to the land of bubblers and cheese curds until the 26th (and since she is only going to spending a few days in Wisconsin, she's going to be spending the majority of her break with her family anyway).

 

As was said above, whatEVER you do, do not badmouth her family.

 

(Also, would you have been insulted/offended if her family had decided to take her to Paris too instead of her coming up to Wisconsin. It is possible that they were trying not to offend you by not trying to get her to ditch you and come to Paris with them.)

 

As everyone says, just treat her kindly like she was part of your family and let things run its course.

Correct on the dates. We made sure our offer allowed her to spend Christmas day with her family.

 

We try not to say anything negative, glass houses.

 

And we would absolutely not be offended if she cancelled on us at the last minute to go to Paris with her family - if they think that we would, we have much bigger issues than I thought.

 

A thought just occured to me that perhaps she doesn't have a passport. Never been out of the country?

[TimC]

Damn. My childhood sucked.

 

I remember the year I got booze under the tree from my Dad. I was 6. He said if I didn't want it, then he'd take it. That's okay, I know he loved me because the next year I got a Hickory Farms yule log...but I really think it was road kill that had flown in the yard the night before. At 8, he passed out before we ever woke up and we decorated him like a tree. Of course, we couldn't afford decorations so we put the fallen leaves on him and held it on with spit. Then when I was 10, things got really bad.....