whomper Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 (edited) We got some terrible news yesterday which has lead to a major decision that needs to be made. My dads brother, my Uncle Louie, died yesterday suddenly from a heart attack. I was at my parents house doing some things that needed to be done when my aunt called with the bad news. He was 81 and close to my dad. Ironically he fell in his garage too a few days ago. He went to the hospital and checked out OK. He came home and a day later my aunt said he seemed off. She called their son who is a doctor and he got on the phone with my unlce. he didnt like the way my uncle sounded so he suggested they call 911 and he was going to come to their house. Before my aunt could call my uncle stood up , then fell and was gone. I know most of you know but for those that dont my dad fell 2 weeks ago and broke his back. He had major surgery to repair the injury and has since left the hospital and is now at a rehab facility. His rehab unfortunately is not going well because his blood pressure has been high. They are trying to regulate that but it has limited him as far as how much physical therapy they can give him because he gets light headed. He has been depressed at the rehab. Sometimes when I visit him he talks a little but you can see he is sad and distant. He is going to be at the facility at least another 10 days or so. My mom hasnt told my Dad yet and there lies the difficult decision. For starters we are not sure if my dad could be transported to the services in his condition. My mom is going to speak with the doctor who was not there yesterday. The debate is whether we should tell my dad or not. My mom is absolutely tortured over this decision. She is speaking to the Doctor today as well as her parish priest. My uncles son feels that we shouldnt tell him. His sister and mother disagree. Some have said if they cant transport him to the services than let that make the decision for you. Here is how we see this as far as reason against and reasons for telling him. Reasons against He will completely shut down and not rehab This type of news will be a jolt to his heart which has been very erratic of late He may not even be able to go even if we did tell him (this we will know before we decide to tell him) If we tell him and he attends the services he will still have to go back to the facilty for 10 days at least which means he will be mourning his brother in a strange place where family can not be around him 24/7. We think of him at night when we have to leave and he is alone with his thoughts and not in his house and has none of us around him. My dad is depressed and frustrated because of his injury and this will put him in a bad state where we feel he may lose all motivation to help himself and rehab Reasons for You give him a chance to say good bye to his brother at the services which could bring the closure he will need to accept what happened. It is his brother and he has the right to know As you can see it is an awful situation. I told my mom my brother and I will support her 100 % either way. As far as my Uncle goes RIP Uncle Louie . He was that cursing italian uncle that was incredibly funny without even trying. His greatest line of all time was at my nieces Christening. This was 10 years ago. We are in the church and my niece, the christening baby, would not stop crying . My uncle is sitting behind me and I hear him telling my aunt that the baby is crying because she is hungry. Finally after 15 minutes of crying he yells to my sister in law. " Hey nancy..Give her the minuch (slang for breast in italian) Any opinions you may have would be appreciated. Thanks all Edit to add: If we decided to wait we would tell him as soon as he got home from rehab Edited June 29, 2009 by whomper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egret Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 He should know. After that, put the rest in a higher power. Tough spot to be in. We'll be thinking about you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikesVikes Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 When my brother died, we told my Dad in the nursing home. Dad died a few months later. It was a bookend to a football season. It wasn't easy to do but nobody ever regretted telling Dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtomicCEO Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I could never keep news like that from someone. I think they'd be furious and forever mistrustful after they found out the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
posty Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Tell him... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 In my very unqualified opinion - you have to tell him. If him and his brother were close he needs to know this. If he can't go to his funeral your family will never hear the end of it. I understand your reasons for not telling him but, IMO, this is a situation that you just have to tell him no matter the risks. Not being able to go to the funeral and finding out later could be a life-long blow to your dad. Do the right thing and tell him - he is an adult and needs to know this. Sometimes I think family members treat the older parents as children, making decsions for them - don't be that person. He is your dad, he is an adult, he raised you to be the fine man you are today. Reward him with the respect he deserves and tell him what happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddy Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I too think he should know. All of your reasons against make a lot of sense but I imagine he will really be upset when he finds out at some point in the future. Sorry about your uncle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nogohawk Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry for your loss - I'm sure whichever decision is made, it will be the right one. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuke'em ttg Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I only read 1/2 but i'll blurt out Tell Him.....when dad got his Cancer there was a cat & mouse game of information, he thought they took out his gall bladder and discovered the Cancer but they left it in and did a bypass procedure....he kept tellin people they took out his Gall Bladder, DR hadn't set him staight on jack chit so i discussed it with mom if we should tell him he still has it and she said yes......so i made a drawing of the bypass they did and told him he still had a Gall Bladder....I'll never forget the look he gave me and he said "damn it steve why hasn't anyone told me this" On the other hand we never told him he had 6 months...no one did...i wrestled with this and still do but when the surgean told me ta tell Mom i ran right home and gave her the news and that right there ripped all the Life & Hope out of my Mom and she hasn't been the same.....no way i was gonna lay that chit on Dad....he's a very positive person and we just went through all the treatment and next steps thinkin he'd get better but the last 2 weeks he knew and said "son I'm runnin out of gas" Just don't rush off with Info Chris, as a group think it through, as you can tell from my examples it can go either way and will haunt you the rest of your life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 very tough call. but i think he would want to know. ask the docs if you can give him some meds to control the shock and grief for a few days? had the same situation with my fil. his bro passed a month before he did, both of lung cancer. so it wasnt a total shock, but we did tell him. all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whomper Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 (edited) What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing ? The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ? Edited June 29, 2009 by whomper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry to hear Whomp, about everything. I too am in the camp that thinks you should tell him. He has a right to know, and hopefully you can find a way to get him to the services so he can say good bye to his brother. Thoughts and prayers coming to your entire family Chris. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugh 0ne Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing. The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ? Yes. His brother died. He should know. He may want to do something/send someting even if he can't attend. I think you have to tell him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing ? The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ? yes, our fil couldnt attend his brothers funeral. it was tough on him, but he was glad they told him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T_bone65 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 First off, I am sorry for the loss of your Uncle Louie. I had the same exact type of Uncle in my Uncle Sal, my mothers brother. Secondly, as much as it would pain your dad to hear this news I honestly think he should be told and go from there. Just think if he goes thru rehab and then goes home and you tell him and he doesn't have a good reaction to it since you "held" it from him. It should be a family decision in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perchoutofwater Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I think you have to tell him regardless of whether or not he is able to go. Like you said, it's his brother and he has a right to know. Also if you don't tell him there is a good possibility that when he does find out he will harbor a bunch of resentment towards the family for not telling him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brentastic Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 What if the doctors say he is unable to be transported and handle the viewing ? The main reason for telling him would be so he could attend the viewing. If he is unable to would you still tell him ? I'd still tell him. He deserves the respect (treating him like the adult he is, regardless of age or health). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief Dick Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Sorry for your loss whomp. As for your dad, tell him. I have 2 brothers, and I would be pissed if something happened to them and nobody told me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skylive5 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I understand all the pros and cons, but there can really be only one way to go on this. You have to tell him. He would never forgive you were you to wait and I don't think you want that. Doesn't matter if he can go or not...he would understand that even if it would upset him.... but not telling him would be something he would never understand no matter how you tried to rationalize it. Sorry for your loss and for your dad being in the situation he is in. My best to you whomp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Beatings Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'm going to add to the consensus already... I would tell him as well. Yes, your Dad is in a weak and vulnerable state right now, but you still need to let him know that you are going to treat him like a man and not try to shield him from this like a child. It may be VERY tough for him to hear and deal with, but I still think it's the right thing to do. The lasting resentment that could come from not telling him would probably be a lot worse for his psyche than the initial shock of his brother's death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billay Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Whether he can go to the service or not, by not telling him, you deprive him of the opportunity to grieve with everyone else. I'm not a counselor, but I would think that, particularly in your dad's case, the more he can go through the grieving process with others, the better. If he finds out late, he might feel isolated from the rest of the family, so far as the grieving process goes and it might be that much more difficult for him. Tell him, there's no way you can control what comes next. Whatever is going to happen will happen. What you can control is whether or not you all go through it together. Just my 2 cents. I'm very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Even with his condition, he needs to be told. Many hard feelings would hold afterward is that info was withheld from him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azazello1313 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 you gotta tell him. you just have to. and in any case, you don't know how he'll react. if he's already feeling totally defeated, this may not help. but it also might buck him up a little. you just don't know, but either way I think you have to tell him. sorry for your loss, man. been a tough stretch for you and your people... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursa Majoris Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Not a single person in the camp of staying quiet about it and rightly so. Another vote here for telling him. FWIW, my own dad attended his brother's funeral three weeks ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmarc117 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 it will def be stressful on him. but maybe it will also be an eye opener for him too. it will show him how fragile life is, how much people are missed when gone. maybe it will motivate him to get better and stay well!! ya never know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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